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QUESTION
Dear Irene,
I've become friends with a man who happens to be a psychologist. I've tried to be careful from the start to make sure I don't "use" him like a free therapy outlet, but he's made it clear on more than one occasion that he's there to listen if I need to talk.
He has been amazingly supportive, and I want to be equally supportive in return. I've made it clear to him that I'm always there to listen, too, and there have been plenty of times that he's vented to me for hours on end. But when I vent to him, he always has the right things to say... answers, solutions, advice, explanations, ways to re-frame the way I'm thinking, etc. I feel inadequate when I don't have any of those things to offer him.
He hasn't shown any signs of unhappiness with our friendship that I can see, so I guess I must be doing something right. I just feel bad that any time I try to say something comforting or supportive, or offer any advice, his response is "yeah, I know," because he does know. He knows almost anything that I could say. I say it anyway, because I think it can feel good to hear someone say it.
But still... I just feel like he is such an amazing person to have in my life, and I feel like I could be better for him than I am somehow. I guess some of my feelings of inadequacy are because I've always been a supportive, advice-giving person for my friends. It's been a pattern that people gravitate towards me and I help them, I offer them advice and get to see how that advice benefits them over time. I like it. But this time, I'm outdone — I feel like I'm not as good of a friend to him as I have been to everyone else that I've known. And that bothers me.
Do you have any advice? I don't know how to deal with my feelings of inadequacy in this friendship, and I don't know how I can grow to be a better friend for him like I want to be.
Signed, Doug
ANSWER
Dear Doug,
When this question is raised it's usually asked in the context of a therapist becoming friends with a patient, past or present, and this often raises ethical dilemmas. In this case, however, I'm assuming your friend never had a professional relationship with you. He is a friend who happens to be a psychologist.
Psychologists, psychiatrists, social workers, counselors and other people in the so-called "helping professions" may be helpers professionally but they are also people who have lives outside of their work, often shared with friends and family.
Although your friend has specialized training and experience, he is a mere mortal with many of the same feelings and problems as anyone else. Since he chooses to spend time socializing with you and expresses his feelings and frustrations, he sees himself as your friend and not your therapist. True, his training might enhance his ability to understand or say the right things—but he might be an empathetic and supportive person if he was trained as a chiropractor or plumber.
You need to be careful about pigeonholing him in the role of a therapist if you want to remain friends. Also, you need to make sure that your friendship isn't limited to listening to each other's problems.
It's nice that people gravitate to you for advice and suggests that you are a good listener and advice-giver too, although that's not your line of work. My hunch is that your friend sees this friendship as one of give and take. Perhaps, he is less needy and seems more self-assured than other people you have been friends with, and that has you rattled a bit.
There is one other common misconception about psychologists that I would like to address although you haven't raised it. People often ask psychologists and psychiatrists if they can read people's minds and/or if they analyze everything people say. Most professionals have little interest in blurring the boundaries between their work and their friendships. If you were trained as a TV repairman or IT person, would you want your friendships focused on fixing your friends' TVs or computers?
Hope this helps.
Best, Irene
