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Facebook friendships may provide a way to remain friends and give someone space
QUESTION
Hi Irene,
I am not legally married, but live with a wonderful man who has given me amazing children. We don't have the perfect relationship, but we enjoy our family life, we set time for ourselves, and balance things out to keep the relationship alive. We've gone through many ups and downs and are still together.
I've always had time for my friends, my other half, and children, but I am sad because I don't see a good friend of mine as often as I did before. It also makes me sad that I sense envy from her part.
She is legally married, but her husband lives in a separate home and doesn't spend much time with her because they are "giving time for each other" to make things better. I find that whenever she sees pictures of my "hubby" and I together she gets jealous. If I ask her to join us and other couples for dinner with her husband, she gets insulted.
She has also tried to detach herself from our friendship by not having enough time to spend together as we did in the past. She is always busy and doesn't even have time to talk over the phone. We only communicate through Facebook, and that makes me pretty sad.
I know my relationship is not perfect, that I don't have the same amount of money she has, or the same material things that she owns, but I feel happy having my partner and living the way I do. It would just make things better if she could share that joy with me instead of feeling envious. What should I do? Should I just let go?
Signed, Rosa
ANSWER
Dear Rosa,
From your note, I can't really be sure what's going on with your friend. A few thoughts came to mind:
1) If your friend has recently moved away from her husband and has also distanced herself from you, it could be that she is trying to make changes in her life. She may not be at a point where she feels comfortable discussing these changes with others.
2) It is understandable that given her current situation in terms of her husband, it may be difficult for her to feel demonstrably happy with you. She may be feeling despondent and down, in general.
3) Since it can be uncomfortable to socialize with other people when someone is not getting along with his/her spouse, this may explain her reluctance to get together as couples.
4) Finally, your relationship with your friend as you describe it sounds pretty competitive. You and she seem to be preoccupied with comparing yourselves along various domains (e.g. marriage, money, and material possessions).
Right now, I would suggest that you step back and give her the space she seems to need. Perhaps when your friend has worked out her own personal situation, it may put her relationship with you on more of an even keel.
Let her know that you still care about her and miss spending time together (if that's how you feel). Remaining friends with her on Facebook will leave the door open in case she and you both want more from the friendship at some future time. That may be all she can handle right now.
Hope this helps.
Best, Irene
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