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QUESTION
Hi Irene,
Is it normal to care more about your girl friends than finding a guy? I'm 25, never had a boyfriend, and simply don't care about having one (And no, I'm not a lesbian; I've always been straight).
I mean, it would be nice to have romance in my life, but my relationships with my female friends are way more important to me. I have a group of five friends, and I feel like our friendship is a sine function graph: there are times when we get together often, and then there are lonely periods, when I don't see them in a long time. Then I start to wonder whether they still like me.
I didn't have friends until the end of high school, so maybe that's why they are so important to me. I looked at people talking and laughing in their group of friends, not even daring to hope that this would be me someday. And now that I've gotten a taste of what having a social life is like, I feel like I just *can't* go back.
So what do I do during those lonely periods? I want to learn to keep my spirits up because the last thing I need is for my friends to think I'm needy. If possible, I'd like to avoid those periods altogether, but that's pretty tricky in this busy world of ours. Sorry this was so long and rambling; hope it made sense.
Signed, Lydia
ANSWER
Hi Lydia,
There are vast individual differences in terms of people's needs for friendship with members of the same sex and the opposite sex. It sounds like you were a late bloomer socially who is just getting involved with female friends but I have no reason to believe you're not "normal," at least on this dimension.
Since you had no friends until the end of high school, I would guess that you are probably somewhat shy and reserved by nature. You say that you always had the sense that you were on the outside of the crowd looking in.
I don't know whether you are still a student or not but as young people leave high school, their lives become more complex as they take on additional responsibilities in terms of work, school or family obligations. Friends are less likely to be at the same place at the same time so getting together -- especially with a group of friends -- often takes more work.
If your friends aren't always available, continue to make a new friend or two using the same skills you honed in high school. Also bear in mind that you can't make up for lost time and that you need to feel comfortable being alone, too. Finally, there's no rush in looking for romance if it isn't something that is important to you right now.
Hope this reassures you!
Best, Irene
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