The Friendship Doctor

Send in your friendship questions and quandaries and get expert answers and solutions.

by Irene S. Levine, Ph.D.

Aftermath of a Teen Friendship Breakup: Should Bethany Be Forced to Attend the Wedding?

Your daughter's feelings need to be your first priority.

Published on October 23, 2011 by Irene S. Levine, Ph.D. in The Friendship Doctor

QUESTION

Hi Irene,

My daughter, Bethany, her older sister, and I were invited to her friend Dawn's sister's wedding. The bride and my older daughter became friendly over the years; Bethany and Dawn, who are now both 14 years old and in high school, were best friends since second grade.

The two girls usually did everything together until Dawn began keeping her separate from her other friends and then not contacting her. My daughter's summer was horrible because she kept hoping to see her friend and it never happened.

About a month ago, after I bought Bethany your book, Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend, she decided to call her friend and talk about their relationship. Dawn told her she wasn't her best friend and that she did not have a best friend anymore.

Today's question: Bethany is a little uncomfortable around Dawn now. Initially, she cried a lot but is handling the loss of the friendship pretty well. Your book helped her understand the friendship better than she had before. She is making new friends in high school and found out that the homecoming dance is the same day/night as Dawn's sister's wedding. Should Bethany go to the wedding? Do I need to make her go or can I get her out of it? Or can I allow her to skip it and enjoy the time with other new friends at the school dance?

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Plans for Bethany to go to the wedding were made so long ago when the two girls were in a different place in their relationship. Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated. We both loved your book and read it together one night.

Thanks,

Julie

ANSWER

Hi Julie,

Speak to Bethany and see what feels most comfortable for her. While you may feel some obligation to the bride and her family, your daughter's feelings need to be your first priority.

If Bethany prefers to go to the homecoming dance with her friends, support her choice and tell her that you'll graciously explain to the bride that she has a competing commitment. My guess is that both Bethany AND Dawn will feel relieved. The bride is probably more concerned about your older daughter being at her wedding.

It's great that you have a close relationship with your daughter and can support her through some of the land mines that occur with regard to teen friendships. I'm so happy to hear that my book was helpful in this regard.

Warm regards,

Irene

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Tags: adolescent, best friend, best friends, breakup, dumped, feelings, friendship, friendship advice, guess, homecoming dance, irene, new friends, obligation, older sister, relationship, second grade, surviving a breakup, teen, two girls, wedding

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Irene S. Levine, Ph.D., is a psychologist and professor of psychiatry at the NYU School of Medicine. Her latest book is Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup With Your Best Friend.

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