QUESTION
Hi Irene,
I was best friends with this girl for about three years. We did everything together, we hung out at school, went out together after school, and then IM-ed each other every day for hours. She was one of the best friends I've ever had.
Then, a few months ago, she started being distant and mean. I tried to talk to her about it, or to let her know that I didn't like certain things she was doing, but she just denied everything and didn't want to talk. It seemed like she went out of her way to let me know that she didn't care about me anymore without saying anything outright. Over the summer, I saw that she had replaced me with another best friend, and I gave her a wide berth and assumed the friendship was over.
Now, when we came back to school she acts like the last few months never happened, and when I asked why she didn't contact me all summer, she said she messaged me on Facebook and texted me a bunch of times, but when I didn't reply, she assumed I was mad at her. The thing is, I didn't get any of these messages or texts, and I feel like she's lying. She wants to be friends again, but I can't just forget all the hurt and pain she caused me in the past, and I'm not sure if I believe her story. I am really confused by her behavior, and I want to move on. What should I
do?
Pilar
ANSWER
Hi Pilar,
You had to feel very hurt when your friend suddenly ditched you, without any reason or explanation, for another best friend. You handled the situation with tact and grace—trying to talk to her about it and giving her space. Given her erratic behavior coupled with her unwillingness to admit or speak about what happened afterwards, it sounds like you are ready to move on and I don't blame you.
One of the requisites of a healthy friendship is being able to feel safe with a friend—knowing that you can be yourself without putting on airs. Knowing you can tell her something without it going further. Knowing your friend will be there for you, that she'll have your back if you need her. Knowing that you can believe the words she is saying to you. Once that trust is broken, the friendship has changed and it can be very hard going back to the relationship you once had.
Seems to me that you have two choices: You can remain ex-friends or you can resurrect a more distant relationship. Because of what has happened, you will need to be more guarded, more skeptical of the things she says, and more protective of yourself. Depending on how she acts in the future, you may be able to overcome this wedge but it's always best to proceed with caution because the chances are good that it could happen again. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.
Hope this helps.
My best,
Irene
Prior posts on The Friendship Blog that touch upon the issue of trust between friends:
