QUESTION
Hi Irene,
One winter break I invited a close friend of mine home from school and was really excited to host her. We were both ambitious students, and although we had been slightly competitive before (when we took one class together - probably not the best idea), we managed to keep rivalry out of our friendship. She was headed for grad school and I was headed for med school, so I thought we'd have no reason to allow petty jealousies or competitiveness cloud our friendship. Also, we'd been roommates for a year and lived together without any problems.
Anyway, when this close friend came home with me, there was immediately a lot of tension between us. This is awkward but my family is extremely rich, and my friend is quite poor. This never came up in college because I dressed like everyone else and never gave a hint that I had money. I didn't even think my friend would notice that when she came to visit me, it just wasn't on my radar at all.
She became sullen, silent, unaccountably grumpy, and strangely secretive about her thoughts and feelings. I began to resent her behavior, and we parted a little coldly when the holiday ended. Since then we have both tried to re-establish the old camaraderie repeatedly, but the equation has changed. She began to compete with me more openly, even going so far as to date a guy who is almost exactly like my boyfriend and, in all kinds of details big and small, trying to copy the details of my life. It makes me feel invaded.
She has also stopped confiding in me, and acts aloof when I try to chat with her. The aloofness is really what gets me, because I went out of my way to be a good friend to her and I don't deserve that.
The bottom line: Can two ambitious women really be friends, true friends? And my second question, which is going to be super-awkward, is this: Can women of different social status or socio-economic background sustain a healthy, non-competitive, equal friendship?
Any thoughts or insight on that would be much appreciated!
Signed,
Kate
ANSWER
Dear Kate,
It sounds like although it was kept under check at school, there was always some rivalry between you and your friend. Even though two women may both be ambitious, it doesn't mean they need to be in direct competition with each other---this is particularly the case since you both decided to pursue two completely different career paths.
It sounds like your college friend was rather shocked to find out about your family's wealth---and never suspected it before coming home with you. If she is a competitive person, she may have felt like you withheld this information from her and moreover, that it gave you an unfair edge over her.
Even though you may have no problem being friends with someone of a different background and financial status, the gap between you seems to have made your friend feel uncomfortable, especially when she was on your turf. Perhaps, this was just the final blow to a relationship that was too competitive from the onset.
At this point, I would suggest that you try to refrain from being angry with her. Her aloofness is probably a result of her awkwardness and discomfort. Maybe with school ending, your lives have become too disparate. Or maybe you both need some time apart to be able to reconnect in the way you once did.
Two ambitious women can, indeed, be friends if their friendship isn't dominated by competition with each other, by one or both parties. Look at Oprah and her friend, Gayle King.
Hope this helps.
Best,
Irene
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