The Friendship Doctor

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by Irene S. Levine, Ph.D.

Miffed: My Friend Doesn't Know How to Say "Thank You"

Burying a problem only leads to resentment

Published on August 24, 2011 by Irene S. Levine, Ph.D. in The Friendship Doctor

A friend sends a gift to her friend's teenage daughter and receives no acknowledgement. Should she say something?

QUESTION

Hi Irene,

My friend is having a hard time financially and hasn't been shy in letting me know. When it came time for her daughter's high school graduation last May, I sent the girl, whom I had never met, a graduation card with a $50 bill inside to help pay for some of the extras at college.

It's been two months and I never received so much as a thank you from the mother or daughter. I began to wonder if the girl had even received the gift so I asked the mom. All she said was, "Yes." I'm still baffled that neither one had the courtesy to thank me for what I though was a generous gift. How shall I handle this uncomfortable situation?

Best,

Leslie

ANSWER

Dear Leslie,

Since the mom, rather than the daughter, is your friend, I think you need to be frank with her and tell her that you felt hurt that you never received a thank you.

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Your friend owes you some kind of explanation about why her daughter didn't acknowledge your generosity. My hunch is she probably thought her daughter would thank you and will be embarrassed to hear that the graduate never did. I would say that the mom might be uncomfortable talking about money right now but from what you say, this hasn't been the case.

If you don't talk about this with your friend, you will only build up resentment towards her and it will create a wedge between you.

Hope this helps.

My best,

Irene

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Tags: acknowledgement, children, disappointment, etiquette, friend, friendship, generosity, gifts, hard time, high school graduation, hunch, irene, mom, money, nbsp, resentment, s high school, talking about money, teenage daughter, thank you, uncomfortable situation

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Irene S. Levine, Ph.D., is a psychologist and professor of psychiatry at the NYU School of Medicine. Her latest book is Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup With Your Best Friend.

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