QUESTION
Dear Irene,
I have only had one (true) female friend in my life. She has been my childhood friend since I was ten and we've been friends ever since. I grew up in Lebanon and then moved to the US to attend college there. She stayed in Lebanon.
Although I am still very close to her (in the sense that no matter how little we talk we somehow still understand each other), I've been trying to make new female friends in the US and finding it extremely difficult.
First, it seems that the college girls that I'm bumping into have hidden odes that I don't seem to understand. They seem a tad more dramatic than necessary and although I do understand American humor it seems I don't understand theirs. I had absolutely no problem in making guy friends, and one of them also became a very close friend. But they are elements of female friendship that I need.
College girls here seem on one extreme too self-centered (and like to talk more than listen) or the opposite too nice (to the point that I unfortunately feel superior and uncomfortable). And that made me wonder, is it possible that what came between me and the other girl is a cultural difference? Maybe it's my personality?
It's important to note that a lot of girls consider themselves friends ith me but I don't consider them as friends-these are one-way relationships. I listen to what they have to say, give them advice about it or discuss their decisions. But it seems they don't care to listen to me (truly) when it comes to things I want to discuss.
Signed
Hakima
ANSWER
Hi Hakima,
There may well be some cultural differences between you and the women you meet on campus. By virtue of you having grown up in Lebanon (and still being connected to the culture) and now living in the U.S., you are probably more aware of these differences than me.
What strikes me though, is that you've only had one lifetime experience in making a true friend. Maybe it's difficult for you to make new friends, perhaps you choose the wrong people, or perhaps you don't give new relationships a chance to deepen.
Since this is a problem you are aware of and that's troubling you, I think it could be helpful to speak to an RA or counselor at your school to see if they can offer some insight or ideas about how you can get more immersed in the college culture and make friendships that are mutually rewarding.
Hope this helps!
My best,
Irene
Prior posts on The Friendship Blog on making friends:
Why do some women having such a hard time making friends: Nature or nurture?
Making friends at college
To visit the new Friendship Forums and talk with others about your friendship problems and quandaries---click the tab above.
