Handling a 'friend' who doesn’t get the message

Avoiding hurt and acting with grace

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

While I was in graduate school I worked on a project with a classmate named Mindy. We hung out a few times and I realized that I had little in common with her, and that I would rather spend free time with my close-knit group of old friends. However, she would say she's so happy we are such close friends and planned her parties around my schedule, which I found overwhelming.

Since I've finished school and started working, Mindy has contacted me several times to hang out. I tell her I'm busy or have other plans but she doesn't let up. After a few rejections, she texted to ask whether I was angry at her. I responded that I wasn't but I was busy with work and life.

I thought I sent a strong signal that I don't want to develop a friendship with her and she stopped calling me for a few weeks. But I just received a needy email from her wanting to spend time with me and I'm stressed out. Initially, I wanted to maintain a pleasant relationship with her as I did not mind her occasional company and we also both work in a very small field. But now she demands a very serious friendship from me, I feel uncomfortable. Should I ignore her email, come up with another excuse, or tell her that I feel uncomfortable with her expectations of our friendship?

Signed,
Jade

ANSWER

Dear Jade,

Friendships are voluntary relationships and need to be reciprocal if they are to be mutually satisfying. You are under no obligation to be anyone's friend. It's a choice you make and it's clear that you want out of this relationship. It's also great that you gave a new friendship a chance to see if it would work out.

Even though you aren't interested in maintaining a friendship, I would respond to her email (although you can wait a few days rather than respond immediately). Since she is involved in your field of work, I think you can tell her that you want to maintain a professional relationship with her but really don't have much time to socialize with her. She sounds very needy and probably doesn't have other friends. So don't be surprised if she initiates contact again. If that occurs, firmly tell her that you can't see her and will contact her if things change in your life. Reassure her that it has to do with you, not her.

This sounds like an uncomfortable situation and I respect your wanting to handle the situation gracefully. Hope this helps.

Best,
Irene

Other posts about breaking up on The Friendship Blog:

Needy friends: A friend indeed?

Why breaking up is so hard to do

Getting out of a sticky friendship

Have a friendship question or dilemma, send it to The Friendship Doctor.