QUESTION
Hi Irene,
I've read your book and enjoy reading your blog. For the past year or so I've found myself in a strange place with some of my girlfriends. I'm 41 years old and have had many of the same friends since high school, all of them married with small children. I always hoped to have children and I hold out hope that I still might one day, but that is looking less and less likely.
My problem is one friend in particular, who accused me of being "stingy" with my time and ungenerous. I was hurt, mostly because she lashed out with such venom. I pointed out to her that she was only making time for me in large group settings and that her full-time job, family, trips, and other activities made it nearly impossible to see her.
I told her that I was lonely and that it was hard to be the single person and always happy for everyone else (she accused me of NOT being happy for other people). She relented a bit and is now making an effort to make time for me, but often that means suggesting I come watch her son's hockey game with her (Her son is my godson).
I guess I had finally admitted to myself that I wasn't really enjoying her company. I have made new friends who are also single and started new hobbies (which she has not shown any interest in). But now she is making a point of trying to arrange get-togethers and I'm not really sure I want to meet with her anymore. Do I just have to tell her that?
Thanks,
Debra
ANSWER
Dear Debra,
When a close friend lashes out at you in anger, it hurts and isn't easily forgotten. In this case it led you to reassess your friendship.
It sounds like your friend's time is quite consumed because she is juggling work with parenting and other responsibilities. I'm not sure why she accused you of being stingy with your time when it is more likely that she, out of necessity, has to ration hers.
Does it have to be an either-or situation? It sounds like you have a long shared history between you. Can't you nurture your new friendship and interests and still see your old friend and your godson on occasion, too? There's no harm letting her know, too, that you enjoy your hobbies and have found some single friends with similar interests.
Hope this helps!
Best, Irene
P.S. If motherhood is something you still yearn for, don't give up yet.
Related posts on The Friendship Blog:
Friendship by the Book:Making Time for Friends
Making time for friends: Snail Mail or Email?
Guest Post: The Mother Divide - Friends with children and friends without
Follow The Friendship Doctor on Twitter.
