The Friendship Doctor

Send in your friendship questions and quandaries and get expert answers and solutions

She asks: Should I throw the Maid of Honor under a bus?

Honest mistakes do occur...

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

Bride invites me to the bridal shower, the bachelorette party and wedding. Says call Maid of Honor for details. Maid of Honor doesn't call/text or email back. Bride says she is bummed I didn't make it, but I tried to.

What do I do? Throw the Maid of Honor under the bus? Ignore it and say sorry I couldn't make it. The wedding is this Saturday. Do I go? Do I bring a gift? I am confused. Is this a really bad game? It's weird. Yes, I know the Maid of Honor and thought we were on good terms. Any help is welcome.

Signed,
Shannon

 

ANSWER

Dear Shannon:

This sounds like a disappointing and awkward situation. It's frustrating when someone says "call so and so for the details" and then the point person messes up or neglects her responsibilities.

You need to call the Maid of Honor (MOH) to try to figure out why this happened. Politely tell her that you and the bride were upset that you weren't able to make the shower and bachelorette party and see if she has an explanation. (I assume the bride sent out invitations to the wedding in which case you can attend without having to go through the MOH).

Honest mistakes do occur. Ask the MOH if she received your first message. It is possible that she was so overwhelmed with her responsibilities that she misplaced it or forgot to respond? Alternatively, it could be that the busy bride forgot to give your name to the MOH as someone she wanted invited to pre-wedding festivities.

Another possibility may be that this Maid of Honor (MOH) is an ambivalent friend (a frenemy) who is insecure about the bride's relationship with you and was, consciously or unconsciously, trying to undermine it. If this appears to have been the case, you need to decide if you want to let the bride know what happened (after the wedding, of course.)

Obviously, the MOH is a very good friend of the bride. Telling the bride that the MOH did not include you may make the bride feel as if she has to choose sides, you or the MOH. You need to be prepared to be on the "losing" side. If you decide not to say anything to the bride other than you and the MOH got your wires crossed, you have learned a lesson about the MOH and need to limit your contact with her.

Try to separate your feelings about the bride from your feelings about her MOH and this fiasco. Of course, go to the wedding and bring a gift.

Best,
Irene

 

Related posts on The Friendship Blog

What can a bride do about an out-of-control MOH?

For Better or Worse: Weddings and Friendship

A friendly case of MOH abuse

For Better or Worse: Weddings and Friendship - Part II

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Irene S. Levine, Ph.D., is a psychologist and professor of psychiatry at the NYU School of Medicine. Her latest book is Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup With Your Best Friend.

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