The Friendship Doctor

Send in your friendship questions and quandaries and get expert answers and solutions.

by Irene S. Levine, Ph.D.

Friends in Unlikely Places: The Ex-Factor

By Irene S. Levine, Ph.D. on February 11, 2010 in The Friendship Doctor

Whether it's an ex-girlfriend, ex-wife, or ex-lover, most women would immediately dismiss the possibility of negotiating a real friendship with a living apparition from their partner's past. Admittedly, these relationships are thorny but they can have some upsides. Read More

I babysit for my ex-boyfriend sometimes

Submitted by LB on February 12, 2010 - 7:54am.

and his wife and I meet up from time to time to chat, although I'm somehow still considered HIS friend.

3 years after I broke off the engagement and moved out of our home, he was widowed suddenly and left alone with a month-old baby. He called me and asked for help. My brand-new husband, who didn't know him, is a prince among men. He said, 'Oh how awful. I'm so glad he knew he could call you. Go.' and I flew down to help for a couple of weeks. The next time I went, about a month later, my husband travelled with me. They hit it off. And we made it a regular thing.

And when he met his second wife she was fine with it. A year later, they moved to our city.

I'm so glad it's worked out so well for our partners. I have to admit, I'm not sure I'd be so strong. But I hope I would be.

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Thanks for sharing your story~

Submitted by Irene S. Levine, Ph.D. on February 12, 2010 - 2:23pm.

It suggests a bit of maturity and openness and everyone's parts--and it sounds like there is a genuine affection between each of the pairs.

Best,
Irene

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She wants to be friends

Submitted by CW on December 21, 2010 - 2:35pm.

I see your point, and it is exactly right, but I can't quite embrace it.

My husband's ex wife contacted me sort of out of the blue 2 years ago. Apparently we were members of the same online group. My husband did not want me to have anything to do with her. She cheated on him in a horrible way and lied a lot when they were together - something she admits to (she also cheated on her next husband and is now on #3). So, he doesn't like her.

But she was persistant. And I know from my blog statistics that she googles me. A lot. Weekly even. And she visits my blog more than 50 times a month consistantly.

But she does seem nice. We do have a lot in common. If he weren't a factor, we might be able to be friends. But I can't get past what she did to him and am somewhat weirded out by just how persistant her interest in me has become. I have NEVER met her in real life, but she has been in contact with me under various pseudonyms over the course of two years.

I just don't get it.

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What you want

Submitted by Lauree Ostrofsky on December 27, 2010 - 7:13am.

Hi CW,

Thanks for sharing your story. Reading it, like you I'm left with a ton of questions. Why is she doing this? Why pseudonyms? What is she hoping to accomplish?

Unfortunately neither of us will get anywhere with those questions. I wonder if there's a way to respond to her genuinely and within comfortable boundaries for you.

For instance...say what's true: you have a lot in common and under other circumstances you might pursue a friendship. Because of a past you weren't involved in, that cannot happen. Next, say what you want. It could be asking why she is persistently reaching out, or a respectful request to not contact you anymore.

You might get an answer, or at least feel less uncomfortable about this situation. Either way...keep me posted!

Best,
Lauree

lauree [at] simplyleap [dot] com

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Irene S. Levine, Ph.D., is a psychologist and professor of psychiatry at the NYU School of Medicine. Her latest book is Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup With Your Best Friend.

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