QUESTION
Dear Irene,
I've known Pete since third grade and I've always felt close to him, as though I could trust him with my life. But our friendship doesn't seem to be the same way for him although he used to say it was.
He recently started dating a girl who asked if she could be my friend. Of course I said yes, because I want to support him in any choices he makes. But lately things have gone sour. She thinks we have become too close, and has been making up stories about me "harassing" her when I have been nothing but nice.
Now he says that he doesn't want to be friends with me, because she's the best thing that's ever happened to him. I've tried to talk to him about it but he completely ignores me. Also, she knows things about me that only he could have told her, and it hurts me that he would share my personal information with somebody, especially when that person doesn't like me.
I don't want to sound petty or even selfish. I just need some advice on whether I should leave things they way they are (because I know he will never take the initiative to open communication) or try to talk to him some more?
Sincerely,
Tammy
ANSWER
Dear Tammy,
While it feels terrible when it happens, this isn't an unusual situation. Often a man or woman becomes so wrapped up in a romantic relationship that they forget everyone else, including friends of the same or opposite sex. This is mostly likely to occur during the early phases of a relationship, when two people just can't seem to get enough of one another.
Making it worse, Pete's girlfriend may be insecure and jealous, leading her to feel threatened by your once-close relationship with him. Perhaps her defensive strategy was to befriend you so you would become her friend instead of his. Pete may feel that keeping up the friendship threatens his relationship with her.
A couple of other possibilities: The friendship may have been more meaningful to you than it was to Pete and he is simply oblivious to your feelings. Or could Pete have felt like he was more than "just friends" with you and feel guilty about maintaining the friendship now that he's in love? Whatever the reasons, Pete has cut you off and that's a bummer.
Friendships often change as people's lives go through different phases. If you give this situation some time, Pete may realize that he's lost a good friend and you may be able to resurrect the friendship. But don't wait for it to happen. Stay involved with other friends who are more available to you. I hope this is helpful.
Best,
Irene
Have a question about a friendship? Send it to: Irene@TheFriendshipBlog.com
