The Friendship Doctor

Glad to see an article like this; never have before. Unfortunately, though I'm experiencing something similar, I can honestly say the 5 points are not applicable to my situation. Any other ideas I can consider?

I could only list five in a blog post....but there are more reasons in my book:-)

Can you speak to a very close friend or relative to ask them what they think?

My best,
Irene

Wow. A close friend of mine is moving to the other coast and picked an off-base argument with my husband over a miscommunication/misunderstanding that happened six years ago. It got way out of hand--and it was like watching a train wreck about to happen--because I know them both I could see them pushing each other's buttons as the argument escalated. (I am actually a very easy to get along with person, but I noticed over the years that my single female friends will pick fights with my spouse (current and ex), and I can't help but think it's a fight by proxy either with me or their exes.) Anyway, because I have been non-confrontational in the past and the arguments always seems to resurface (like this one) when I thought they had gone away, I decided that I would not move on from this argument until both sides acknowledged (if not apologized)what the other person was feeling. My husband did so almost immediately (at my urging--i.e. "you're moving, you're stressed, how can I help?") but my friend won't acknowledge that she was out of line, saying she was "right" so I'm cutting her off. Am I being as big an idiot as I think she is? By the way, I also notice that my single female friends always accuse me of having it easy because I have a husband--which I find laughable, so I never even address it. But I'm thinking now that's part of it, too.

Sounds like an argument over nothing and if your husband was first to offer the olive branch, your friend should have responded in kind (after all he is your husband and you have to live with him :-).

Maybe you can cut back rather than cut her off completely. My hope is that she'll realize the mistake she made. If she is consistently this way, maybe it's better to let go.

Best,
Irene

Yikes, all five points kind of fit my personality... and I'm constantly having problems with close friends. I guess that means I'm a perpetually toxic friend... What should I do to stop myself from destroying my relationships?

Sounds like you just realized why you are having these problems. Now that you have more insight, can't you experiment with changing some of the behaviors that are getting in the way of your friendships? You don't have to do a major personality overhaul...just take little steps.
Best,
Irene

Dr. Levine, what is the name of your book and where could i pick it up?

Hi Anonymous:

My book, Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend, is available online from Amazon or Barnes & Noble---and at Borders, B&N, Waldenbooks and some independent bookstores.

If it isn't there, it can be ordered.

Thanks for asking!

Irene S. Levine, PhD

I think this is a very ignorant article, in that you are saying that someone who is depressed is a toxic friend. Depression is a disease, and you as a doctor should know that. Instead of dismissing friends as toxic, friends need to be supportive of one another in order to battle depression- a serious medical condition. It won't get any better if a person who is depressed thinks they are a toxic friend because of their mental problems. That's an absolutely horrible thing to say- not constructive at all. Be more considerate next time. I suffer from depression, and my friends support me through it- thinking myself as a "toxic friend" is an extremely negative way to view myself- and I hope no depressed person thinks badly of themselves because of your inconsiderate and ignorant view of depression.

Depression is a serious, but treatable, medical condition. Too often, friends are placed in the awkward position of being asked to provide ongoing support for someone who is unwilling to seek professional treatment. A situation like this doesn't serve either friend well.

I'm glad you raised this important issue which I care about deeply and have written about in more depth on my blog. You might want to take a look at this post: http://www.thefriendshipblog.com/blog/psych-101-when-a-close-friend-depr...

Best wishes for your recovery and your friendships!
Irene

I'm in the process of ending what I consider a toxic friendship; I've heard this phase before and wanted to read more about this b/c I really don't want to end the friendship (I had some good times with this person) but it's time. I tried my best communicating my feelings, not suggesting that I'm upset but letting her know. This person has a selective memory (something she said her bf mentioned and I responded I've notice her do this sometimes), always assumes the opposite of how I feel or will respond even if I tell her how I feel and when I respond to her...Never wants to hear anything from me that is emotional; she short and quickly changes the subject; but I listen to her turmoil at home and with an ex..give her advice which she says has helped her with these turbulent times. Acts as if the relationship is not that important but will always remind me that I'm her "best friend" even though she dismisses my feelings and ignores concerns. Told me how excited she was to celebrate an upcoming birthday, then told me she had other plans,is not coming and that she see's me at work everyday anyway. It's made me so sad and physically sick to come to the realization that I've been duped. I'm glad I will have this book to read (ordered); it's been a tough month and I need to move on from this....