As with past blog posts Dr. Kennedy and I attempt to understand and convey how relationships are affected, negatively or positively, by the use of technology. Social media, smart phones and other web-based technologies have evolved at such a rapid pace that we are struggling to make sense, cognitively and emotionally, of how to integrate these omnipresent technological advances into our daily lives.

In writing this blog I am assuming that most parents want to remain emotionally connected to their children when they are away at college but, at the same time, they also want their children to develop into independent, happy and resilient adults. So then how does modern telecommunications technology hinder or promote these two goals? And to complicate matters further, does the type of technology make a difference?

In a 2010 paper from West Virginia University, College Students' Use of Electronic Communication with Parents: Links to Loneliness, Attachment, and Relationship Quality, the authors (Gentzler, Oberhauser, Wasterman & Nadorff) surveyed 211 students to determine the differences in type of technology they utilized to communicate back home and its effect on students. The authors examined the frequency of college students' use of four mediums: phone, text messaging, social-networking sites and email. They investigated whether students' frequency of using these various technologies were associated with levels of loneliness, attachment and the quality of their relationship with their parents. Their study suggests that modes of communication with parents are differentially related to adjustment and relationship quality. "Specifically, college students who report more supportive, satisfying, and emotionally intimate parental relationships talk to their parent(s) on the phone more often. But those who use social-networking sites to communicate with parents report higher levels of loneliness, anxious attachment, and conflict within the parental relationship".

One potential hypothesis as to why it was beneficial for students to talk via phone rather than facebook or texting is that the phone provides the optimal amount of closeness which fits with a previous report that college students view mobile phones as essential tools to remain in close contact with parents while not infringing upon their independence (Chen, Katz. Extending family to school life: College students' use of the mobile phone.) However, it is the action of "talking" on their mobile phones, not texting, emailing, etc. that makes the difference.

So now that we know that it might be helpful to pick-up the phone rather than stalk your children on Facebook, let's look at this infringing upon their independence issue. Although parents and students are communicating much more significantly than previous generations did, the amount of communication doesn't seem to be the problem as much as what is being communicated i.e. it is the issue of quantity vs. quality.

Without fail, each Fall I have parents (who have just sent their kids off to college) sitting in my office attempting to figure how involved they should be in their child's life. Not that long ago parents and children survived the separation with a phone call once a week on the pay phone in the dormitory hall. Nowadays, because there are so many options to stay in touch, there seems to be pressure to use them all and this goes both ways. Homesick children are texting every 15 minutes about how homesick they are, how they want to switch dorm rooms because "their roommate is a freak, their teacher clearly hates them, they shouldn't have taken French afterall" and so on... In this scenario, parents get sucked into their old role of problem solving. They are initially relieved because their fears that they had lost their child forever were clearly unfounded and they are needed afterall! Certainly, but not necessarily in the way parents may think.

Then sometimes it isn't the child that is reaching out problematically it is the parent wanting to know each and every grade on a paper, what they had for lunch or more outrageously, even editing their child's papers (thanks to track changes). A friend of mine who teaches at UC Santa Cruz says it would have been unheard of for a professor to receive a call or email from a student's parent 15 years ago, but it now occurs with regularity. Parents will email because they are upset over a grade on a paper or final report.

In the face of all the many ways parents and college students can instantaneously reach out to one another we need to remember the important goals: Remain connected while promoting resiliency and responsibility. Parents remember that you are not paying for college to undermine academic and psychological growth but rather want to encourage your children to problem solve and develop psychologically.

Helpful Hints:

1. Allow them to contact you more often than you contact to them.

2. Discuss how often you would like to check in and try to stick to it.

3. Teach help seeking skills (If they call and complain about a professor or roommate don't get involved in the details just ask them what resources are available to work through these issues, i.e. advisors, office hours, etc.).

4. Don't read every Facebook post and consider setting controls that encourage boundaries.

5. Pick-up the phone and have a real conversation.

6. Write letters. Students report that they love getting something in their mailbox when they check (something that happens much less these days).

7. With each interaction ask yourself "Am I promoting resiliency and responsibility?"