I have been saying this same thing for the past 5-8 years as my family was slowly lost to the world of multimedia!

Yes, screens can be highly seductive . . . but a poor substitute for face-time with our loved-ones.

People often hear about the hazards of overeating, a sedentary lifestyle and various form of substance abuse but most have no idea that a lack of social contact can be at least as hazardous to one's mental/physical health. No doubt the weather and the distance between dwelling can play a part but even in a sunny, tightly organized area like Southern California, culture can curtail contact. Living in the northeast it was not uncommon to simply drop in on friends. Here, I would never dream of doing such a thing and would be quite surprised if someone knocked on my door unexpectedly. Have a nice day...alone.

Steve Mason
PT Blogger

I find it interesting that in this kind of antisocial environment, there are lots of people trying to reconnect: our kids. The digital natives, as they're often termed, are secluded (sometimes against their will by overprotective, paranoid parents) in their homes. But they have a ticket out in the internet.

Have you ever really looked at the screen-time of many of these children and teens? In online video games, they forge close friendships and create guilds and tribes of a few dozen people who come to know each other very well by working together for common goals and confiding in each other. Sounds a lot like the hunter-gatherer tribes we evolved with, eh? They also connect via instant messengers, Facebook, and other social media.

Adults are always trying to figure out how this demographic thinks in order to best profit from the new ways of using technology, but it looks to me like the kids are simply creating for themselves the networks, families, and social support systems that are lacking in everyday life. The only difference is that the network itself is disconnected from physical space - they're in touch even though they may be halfway across the continent (or world). And they feel just as isolated when cut off from the internet as would a hunter-gatherer child whisked away from his family and tribe.

Ironically, those who sit in front of the computer all the time are counted as isolated. Many may be connected, just in a different way.

This is a great coping card for people who typically give themselves permission to stay disconnected.

Dr. Ilardi wrote:

"According to Robert Putnam, sociologist and
author of the influential book, Bowling Alone,
for every 10 minutes added to commute time,
there's a roughly 10% decrease in social ties."

Robert Putnam is the scientist who has really
documented the destruction of America's civic
society.

His conclusion was that though commuting may
be a small factor, the main culprit is television.

This from his American Prospect article:

"Controlling for education, income, age, race,
place of residence, work status, and gender,
TV viewing is strongly and negatively related
to social trust and group membership, whereas
the same correlations with newspaper reading
are positive. Within every educational category,
heavy readers are avid joiners, whereas heavy
viewers are more likely to be loners. In fact,
more detailed analysis suggests that heavy TV
watching is one important reason why less
educated people are less engaged in the life
of their communities. Controlling for
differential TV exposure significantly
reduces the correlation between education
and engagement."

"Viewing and reading are themselves uncorrelated
--some people do lots of both, some do little
of either--but "pure readers" (that is, people
who watch less TV than average and read more
newspapers than average) belong to 76 percent
more civic organizations than "pure viewers"
(controlling for education, as always). Precisely
the same pattern applies to other indicators
of civic engagement, including social trust
and voting turnout. "Pure readers," for example,
are 55 percent more trusting than "pure viewers."

http://www.prospect.org/cs/articles?article=the_strange_disappearance_of...

I like the idea of the social disconnect of tradition. Social racism has a broken back because of this societal lack of cohesion. Depressives can't dominate and form hate groups like they once could. When I think of isolation I think of how ''gangs'' are now in the periphery,and such things give me a happy isolation. Sincerely,David

All great thinkers these days understand that unethical behavior of all kinds is directly related to mental illness. Sincerely,David

Steve,

Thank you for the work you're doing, it is educational for the public and validating for those who need the support. I am in my late 30's and single. I've struggled with depression for many years now. One of the biggest challenges for me has been watching my whole social network get married, have children and for their relationship with me to be way less important to them. I actually find that the american family is quite self-centered, self-focused and I can understand why, based on the incessant demands of every day life. That said, I will never in my life forget what it has felt like to be "left out" like I have been. It is like everyone else, even my family, is "all set" and their interest in me is tangential. The revolving female friendships only reinforce this isolation as most females in my age group want to get married and only spend time with ea other as a means to find a man. I KNOW that my depression has to do with isolation and loneliness and what is strange is how much i IDENTIFY with elderly people who are alone as well. It's no surprise that I was the one visiting an elder when her sister died and she was then alone - none of the other families visited her and it made her so sad. Not even once in a matter of years? But I know what it feels like to feel abandoned and I could feel her pain. Perhaps my depression is chemical, and I've worked in mental health and know a lot about this. But I know that 90% of my issue is social and the fact that even though people say they love me, they don't need me and I feel their indifference and have noted the effects of their Darwinian approach to living. I've said too much already, but the last thing I'll say is that a friend of mine is now going through a divorce. She has two kids, her husband wants out. She is devastated by the betrayal of his family, as they have withdrawn from her as if the last 15 years of togetherness meant nothing. She is now experiencing the abandonment and betrayal that I've been going through on the front-end - she's getting it on the back-end. I just think that people need to be aware of others because one day, it just might be them left to feel this way and it's not pretty.

I am 25 and I've been alone my entire life. Right now its hard to deal with as I'm sleeping with a loaded shotgun, I've been weeping all day thinking about how all my years are marked by lonliness. I just can't make the connections with anyone, I've been active, I've been shut in. Its at the point now where its impossible to talk to anyone, I am too weird to them. I can't face another day of this shit, I'd rather just not deal with it. I'm not a fat dork that sits on the internet all day, I've been around and have had many interesting life experiences but it all leads back to this eating lonliness. It feels like there is nothing in my heart, when it hurts, there is an emptiness in my chest. It is actually physically painful to be this depressed. Anyways, those in this condition are the laughing stock, humans suck and I am ashamed to be one.

Thank you for reaching out with such honesty in describing the painful loneliness you're experiencing right now. That awful feeling of isolation is one of the most devastating symptoms of depression, and one that can lead to thoughts of death as a form of escape. Please know, though, that the horrific pain of depression can be lifted with the right help: there are compassionate people out there who truly care - who can help you find the path back to a fulfilling life - even when it seems like just the opposite is true. Although you're feeling like "those in this condition are the laughing stock", those of us who understand depression know that it's no laughing matter at all. Quite the opposite: it can be a matter of life and death.

Because you've said "I can't face another day", I genuinely hope you'll reach out for help right away. If you don't know a good clinician in your area to contact during this crisis, you can always call 911 or contact the e.r. of a local hospital. You can also try asking your doctor's office for a referral, although that may take longer. Finally, to speak with a trained crisis counselor immediately, you can call one of the numbers listed at http://suicidehotlines.com/

The most important thing is that you find your way to someone who can help you through this difficult, painful time. You don't have to suffer through it on your own.

Wow! Great article. As I was preparing to share with the men of my church about the need to be together, I found your article. Please forgive me, but I am one of those who is skeptical of the whole psychology industry, but I found your article to be both wise and compassionate. Maybe together, both clergy like myself and psychologists like you, we can help people out of the increasing hell of isolation. This is my hope and prayer.

Thanks for the kind words!