The Dance of Connection

Rescuing women and men from the quicksand of difficult relationships.

Harriet Lerner, Ph.D., is best known for her work on marital and family relationships and the psychology of women. Her books include The Dance of Anger and The Dance of Fear. See full bio

August 5, 2009

Female Friendship: Two Pieces of Advice

When I was sixteen my best friend dropped me for another girl because I wasn't "deep" enough for her. I felt devastated, my confidence crushed. Here's my advice about friendship: Read More

August 2, 2009

"I still miss my mother"--A Message to Daughters

Time will dull the edge of grief, but the loss of a mother is an emotional event of enormous proportions. We don't just "get over it" after a prescribed period of time. Read More

July 22, 2009

Is it Love or is it Sauerkraut?

Call it love or call it sauerkraut. The most important question isn't the intensity of the love we feel but whether the relationship is good for us and whether we are navigating our part of it in a solid way. Read More

July 20, 2009

How to Overcome Your Dread of Public Speaking, Part II

Terrified of public speaking? Just sign up for the ride. Of course, you also need to show up at the appropriate time. But don't wait until your anxiety or dread is fixed or analyzed away, or you'll wait too long. Read More

July 20, 2009

How to Overcome Your Dread of Public Speaking, Part I

Several years ago, while lecturing in Seattle, I faced my most dreaded fantasy. I stood at the lectern in front of hundreds of people who had left the comfort of their homes and had paid a considerable sum to hear me. And my talk had disappeared. Read More

June 27, 2009

The murder of Dr. George Tiller: Whose Truth Counts?

Only for the briefest moments have I glimpsed in myself another woman--poor, pregnant, and without choice. In these moments, fear radiates to the very edges of my imagination. Read More

June 27, 2009

Anxiety Deficiency Disorder???

What about a diagnostic label for folks who fail to get anxious when they should? Read More

June 12, 2009

Hating Fred

Fred Phelps hates "fags" and "fag-lovers" and we hate Fred. The citizens of Topeka organize counterdemonstrations, and offer support to the victims of Fred's harassment. No one asks why we hate Fred. It's obvious. Or is it? Read More

June 11, 2009

Should You Take His Name?

When I married in Berkeley in the seventies, I transformed myself from Harriet Goldhor (pronounced Goldhoar) to Harriet Lerner with a great sense of relief. The last syllable of my name evoked merciless teasing during my adolescence in Brooklyn.

June 10, 2009

Surviving Difficult People at Work

When I got sufficiently uncomfortable in my own workplace, I stayed in my office, shut the door, and tried to speak to those difficult folks only when absolutely necessary. So what's wrong with that? Read More

Books by Harriet Lerner, Ph.D.

The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships

The Dance of Intimacy

The Dance of Connection: How to Talk to Someone When You're Mad, Hurt, Scared, Frustrated, Insulted, Betrayed, or Desperate

The Dance of Fear: Rising Above Anxiety, Fear, and Shame to Be Your Best and Bravest Self

The Mother Dance: How Children Change Your Life

The Dance of Deception: A Guide to Authenticity and Truth-Telling in Women's Relationships

Women in Therapy

Franny B. Kranny, There's a Bird in Your Hair!

Relationships Basics

Love is the most profound emotion known to human beings. For most people, romantic relationships are the most meaningful element in their lives. But the ability to have a healthy, loving relationship is not innate. Almost all of us have experienced a failed relationship, and most of us have to work consciously to master the skills necessary to make them flourish.

Go to the Relationships Basics page for more on Relationships including:

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Books by Harriet Lerner, Ph.D.

Relationships Basics

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