Paired up with a distancer? Many distancers are viscerally allergic to intensity, and become more so with time. They may say, “I don’t like to talk,” but they’ve actually stopped talking because they fear getting trapped in a conversation that feels awful to them.
If your complaint is “He won’t talk" or “She won’t talk,” check yourself on the intensity meter. Remember that even positive intensity can also lead to more distance once the pursuit-distance dynamic is in place.
Being intensely generous or solicitous (frequently asking if your partner is okay, showering him or her with praise, wanting a “real kiss” while your partner is cooking dinner rather than a peck on the cheek) is unhelpful when a distancer is feeling crowded. Lowering intensity doesn’t mean shifting it from negative to positive—it means turning it off.
Getting out of pursuit mode may mean ratcheting down your level of intensity—which includes loud, fast-paced speech, interruption, over-talking and offering help or advice that isn’t asked for. This is not to suggest that these are neurotic traits or that you have some kind of personality disorder. A different partner, with a different cultural background, personal history, sibling constellation, and temperament might enjoy these very same qualities. He might view himself as lucky to have found such an articulate, impassioned, energetic partner.