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Big issues come in small packages.
When you agree to do something — no matter how small — do it. If you’ve told her that you’ll clean out the refrigerator by Sunday, do it by Sunday. If Sunday comes along and you’re too busy, take the initiative to say, “I’m really sorry I can’t get to it today. I’ll do it tomorrow."
Many men tell me they don’t understand why their partners get so upset when they “can’t remember” to pick their socks off the floor. “I do a thousand things for her,” one guy told me. “In fact, I do more than 50 percent. Why does she make such a big deal out of it?"
Here’s the answer: It’s a big deal.
Rule # 9 in my book, Marriage Rules: When your partner makes a fair request, she needs to know that her voice can affect you. It doesn’t matter how trivial the issue is. If you believe that the request is unfair, re-negotiate the relationship contract around the “who-does-what” question. (“I know I agreed to take out the garbage Wednesday nights, but that’s my biggest workday, and I’d like you to do it.”)
Never assume that your overall contribution to a relationship or household compensates for failing to do what you say you’ll do. Apologize when you slip up. Do better next time. Don’t use your Attention Deficit Disorder (or any other diagnosis for that matter) as an excuse for irresponsible behavior.
When you say you’re going to put the cap on the toothpaste, and then don’t, the issue is no longer about a small thing (toothpaste), but a big thing (reliability and respect).
Of course you’ll slip up. But it’s what you do most of the time (not all of the time) that matters.
