The Dance of Connection

I want to tell you I loved this blog entry. I plan to print a copy to keep.

Second, I'm wondering what you would tell someone who is convinced s/he is unworthy, unlovable, and deeply inadequate?

I participate in a forum for people who identify as socially anxious or having avoidant personality disorder. While I personally have made progress against social anxiety, I'd like to help others in the group who are not so far along the path. But, it's really tough. Some have had so many negative life experiences, they can't believe anything good about themselves. They isolate themselves and defensively reject others. They drop out of or reject the idea of therapy. I'm often at a loss for what to say to them. Any thoughts?

Take a look at my book, The Dance of Fear. It's speaks to the important question that you're raising.

I have read all your books and they have changed my life.
I too know about feeling unworthy, unlovable, and deeply inadequate.
I used to feel that way with dealing with others and then I realised after a lot of self reflection and observation of other more confident people that the feeling of reflection was actually coming from within. In fact I was projecting rejection, when I thought I was being rejected!
In the past I would suck up to people who I thought was rejecting me with some crazy notion that maybe they would like me! After a lot of soul searching I finally realised that if I was in a situation that I expected to be rejected that I would be friendly regardless because I was a friendly, nice person.
In the past I would be friendly desperately wanting their approval, imagining rejection that often wasn't there or if it was it was because they could sense my desperation. Now if people aren't friendly back it doesn't faze me, maybe they had a bad day, maybe thats the way they are or maybe I remind them of a great aunt they didn't like. But the funny thing I don't really get rejected anymore and if I do I don't go back for more rejection.
At the end of the day one thing you taught me is that you can't control others you can only control yourself, and it is so important to remember that when dealing with rejection.

Thanks for sharing this!

Harriet, I've just discovered you and your work. I'm listening to your "Dance of Anger".
Just discovered that what I thought was a dalliance of my husband's hsa actually been a 30-year relationship. Just a few years longer than our marriage. Ick!
Listening to "Anger" has helped me craft an outline for a difficult discussion I plan to have w/my husband on his return from a trip. Wish me luck . . .

Good luck!
You might want to eyeball the book, After the Affair.