The Dance of Connection

I think Dr. Lerner needs to get out more. I know at least ten people who have had open marriages for years and done just fine. Most say it brings them closer together. It's not for everyone, for sure, but the idea that restraint of sex outside marriage "is the glue that keeps couples connected" is deeply sad - it makes marriage sound like nothing but Stockholm Syndrome for two.

... with the previous comment. Dr. Lerner makes sweeping pronouncements about open marriage with absolutely no data to support her conclusions, just anecdotes from her therapy clients. Presumably, happy couples in open marriages don't seek her help.

What always confuses me about those who warn of the risks of couples experimenting with non-traditional marriage is how blindly they ignore the risk of doing nothing. The unspoken assumption that ignoring the problem means NOT risking the marriage is beyond doubtful.

Perhaps the author has encountered so few successful open relationships because the participants in those don't need counseling?

Khym and I have been together 23 years, married for 20, and have had an active "open marriage" for the last seven. We're still happy and still together, and our trust and respect for one another is stronger than ever.

I am familiar with Dr. Lerner's books, and The Dance of Anger has helped several people that I know. So it was especially disturbing to read an article entitled "*Truths* About Open Marriage." Presuming to speak so authoritatively on a subject in which she has so little knowledge or experience is shocking indeed.

I can understand that she may not have happened to run across many successful open relationships, and twenty years ago, this was understandable; most of them had to hide. But there have been so many articles on polyamory and open marriage in the last few years, most of them quite positive, that it is shocking that she would voice such uninformed opinions. Newsweek had a major spread on it last summer. She can find many more referenced at:
http://polyinthemedia.blogspot.com/.

There are numerous websites she can go to for more information about open relationships, including www.lovemore.com ; there is an academic consortium for researchers of alternative sexuality that she could consult (www.caras.ws); there are e-lists for researchers, and for therapists. There are lists of therapists who are knowledgeable about non-monogamous relationships. There are innumerable support groups online.

I personally know dozens of long-term (15+ yr) open marriages and relationships, and most are among the most loving and stable relationships I know. The vast majority won't be found in a therapist's office, because they long ago learned how to communicate directly with each other without someone else's help.

If Dr. Lerner would like to update her information, I would be happy to provide her with a wealth of highly credentialed individuals and groups that could offer credible and substantiable data on this matter. She can reach me at: open (at) cfnc (dot) us.

Because philosophies of life tend to be autobiographical, it's difficult to make sweeping judgments regarding something like marriage. However, that said, it's been my experience that open marriages work extremely well. They effectively eliminate a major cause of marital discord - monogamy.

By way of evidence for this statement, note that the divorce rate for those in the Lifestyle is significantly below that of the population in general. Indeed, this group always struck me as being much closer and far more satisfied in their relationship than average.

Perhaps if you attended a Swinger's convention or visited one of their resorts it might provide some valuable insights.

Steve Mason
PT Blogger

Well, to some degree, she's right. I mean, open relationships aren't for everyone. It's been my experience that having an open relationship DOES set off the triggers she mentions (and I understand that may not be true for everyone). However, that's EXACTLY what makes it work (for me). I'm forced to confront all those hidden feelings of not-good-enough that don't come to the surface as strongly in a relationship where your mate is (as far as you know) the only one. Being forced to face and confront, and deal with, these feelings has made my marriage so much stronger than it would otherwise have been. It absolutely sucks during the process, but I always reaffirm my desire to live this lifestyle (as does my partner). Communication is key, as many others have said, and knowing what you want is essential. Working toward it together has been a great joy in my marriage, and I am grateful to have an open relationship - the highs and the lows. The more you work at it, the more the lows tend to go away, and it's well worth the work. YMMV.

Both Dr. Lerner's article and the comments made by readers are extraordinarily thoughtful and insightful. What I object to is the title of the article - she has presented her point of view, and her biased point of view at that. No problem. But labeling it as "the truth" coming from "an authority" is a disservice. In my forthcoming book Polyamory in the 21st Century (Rowman and Littlefield, June 2010) I examine both the upside and the downside of non-monogamy. Non-monogamy (or polyamory as some prefer to call it) has a shadow side, as does monogamy. But lets at least be accurate. There is no evidence that monogamous relationships in general work any better than non-monogamous ones. I would love to see more quality research on this important question, but until the data is in, let's refrain from presenting opinions as facts.

Deborah Anapol, Ph.D.
author and relationship coach
taj@lovewithoutlimits.com

I appreciate the sensible, firm, but polite challenges to Dr. Lerner's article. I share the same concerns as several mentioned, especially the label, "The Truth." Perhaps key is her lack of broader exposure, despite decades being a therapist. As pointed out, she'll have to look broader than her practice, or that of "traditional" therapists to get anything close to a realistic picture.

I appreciate this one sided point of view. The reality of today is that there are many successful open marriages and to speak one sided is a bit out dated. The main ingredient is it takes two consenting partners to agree to enter into that lifestyle and best to research all the variables. There is a lot of information out there about the poly lifestyle.

I think it comes down to values. There is something to be said about staying committed fully to your partner. As a lesbian, I find it incredibly difficult to maintain this consistently without "side effects". Something happens when women live together and share a partnership for a long time. It is different than with man and woman and it boggles my mind. I have recently wondered if a lot of gay men don't have it right by agreeing to open relationships. They tend to stay together much happier and longer than lesbian women in my opinion. Look at a lesbian couple that has been together for 10 years vs a gay male couple and they men look so much happier and in love and the women look as if they hate each other and are not in love. This is a generalization there are exceptions, but honestly I may have one met one couple in my life.

I wonder if I tried a poly relationship and had the whole, don't ask don't tell, but every night you must come home by this time, if it would allow me trust and stay connected. Or overcoming fear and holding on to a partner and working through the tough times, will this be the answer? All of the questions have consequences and when you reach 40 years old, your patience to try something "new" runs thin. Food for thought.

I appreciate this one sided point of view. The reality of today is that there are many successful open marriages and to speak one sided is a bit out dated. The main ingredient is it takes two consenting partners to agree to enter into that lifestyle and best to research all the variables. There is a lot of information out there about the poly lifestyle.

I think it comes down to values. There is something to be said about staying committed fully to your partner. As a lesbian, I find it incredibly difficult to maintain this consistently without "side effects". Something happens when women live together and share a partnership for a long time. It is different than with man and woman and it boggles my mind. I have recently wondered if a lot of gay men don't have it right by agreeing to open relationships. They tend to stay together much happier and longer than lesbian women in my opinion. Look at a lesbian couple that has been together for 10 years vs a gay male couple and they men look so much happier and in love and the women look as if they hate each other and are not in love. This is a generalization there are exceptions, but honestly I may have one met one couple in my life.

I wonder if I tried a poly relationship and had the whole, don't ask don't tell, but every night you must come home by this time, if it would allow me trust and stay connected. Or overcoming fear and holding on to a partner and working through the tough times, will this be the answer? All of the questions have consequences and when you reach 40 years old, your patience to try something "new" runs thin. Food for thought.

Good grief. To draw a bunch of conclusions about the sociology and psychology of open marriages on the basis of anecdotal reporting from who comes into your psychotherapy office -- a self-selected cohort of people in sufficient emotional pain to seek counseling -- is a bit like drawing conclusions about a restaurant's food on the basis of what ends up in the Dumpster. Not that a therapist's office is a Dumpster -- far from it! -- but you get the idea.

Bad data. Bad science. Garbage in (no affront intended to the Dumpster), garbage out.

Open marriage isn't everyone. It isn't for me and my partner. But that doesn't mean it ain't for anyone. And with a divorce rate at fifty percent, and sexual issues in so, so many marriages, maybe the basic assumptions need to be carefully re-examined.

...simply that for some two-people they can work and for some two-people they cannot. The PROBLEM is that it only works well when the same type two-people get together and that is the unknown variable that requires doing-not discussing--to quantify.

Unfortunately, open relationships are something that have to be experienced to quantify and that experience may well be the deciding factor for one or both parties. Otherwise, discussion merely falls under the realm of shared fantasy. And once that genie is let out of the bottle, especially if one of the parties LIKES the genie, that genie is very difficult to return. Usually, you have to build a new bottle around it.

One may be fine with the theory, but find that the application is not what you expected. If your partner experiences something different, problem. But you don't know this until you know.

Having experimented with, known, and refused such relationships, as well as all within the same long term relationship, I find that it is best to approach the open relationship like the lottery.

Sure, the pay out is potentially huge and wonderful BUT...is the million to one shot that it will work, worth what you have invested to that point...

You comfortable spending your last $1 on a ticket that may win you
$5 or nothing?

(Likewise, thinking opening up is the only way to feasibly continue with another person indicates a whole 'nother set of relationship airbrushing.)

I'm tired of people trying to explain away something that is VERY HARD TO DO as an example of what is not natural. Both the monogs and the polys do this:

1. Staying monogamous is too hard (emotionally, spiritually, physically...) so it must not be natural.

2. Being poly is too hard (emotionally, spiritually, physically...) so it must not be natural.

If you can find it in the "natural" animal kingdom, you will find it in the human kingdom because monkey sees, monkey does. And then goes on to proclaim that it is right for all monkeys for all time ever more simply because we can talk.

Bah. Either one can WORK, but both are HARD TO MAKE WORK because HUMAN RELATIONSHIPS ARE HARD and what's more, they AREN'T SUPPOSED TO BE EASY. But there are dozens of perfectly healthy, morally balanced humans out there doing both successfully while the rest of us point out the failures and whine about it wouldn't be so hard if it were "natural". No, the rest of us don't want to work through the pain, as the sport's gurus say, so we suck at it.

What is easy is resting on the EXCUSE that it would be easier if it were the "right" one. We're just looking for the quick fix like we do for every other blippin' thing that's "hard-to-do" in the western world.

Sex has different meanings for different people, at different times, in different relationships. Sex also has its own meaning for the couple as a joint entity, for the family, and for the culture within which they find themselves. The challenge, not just for "open" relationships but for all of us, is to find a place within all of that where ourselves and our partner are on "the same page" - at least often enough that we can deal with and process any mishaps.

Any sexual relationship will "work" as long as each person involved shares a common-enough understanding of what the sex is, and what it means between them. That might be the meaning Dr Lerner gives it - "the glue that keeps couples together". Or it might be something very different. But as long as it is fairly similar for each party, things run smoothly.

What makes poly relationships a different challenge to monogamous ones, is that the culture surrounding the couple, for the most part, does not share an understanding of sex that works well with non-monogamy. And often, one or both partners have internalised this meaning that came from their culture or their family, whether they meant to or not, and whether they realise it or not. It is far easier said than done to keep the rest of the world out of your bedroom.

But it is possible. And in my opinion, couples who have the courage to do it are far better off in the long run, no matter what relationship structure they choose - because instead of just running blindly, led by whatever feelings and impulses seem like "truth" to them, they are open to questioning and really understanding what they want, and why.

"For those chomping at the bit to try open marriage, remember that you can't know the outcome of an "open marriage" in advance."

Well yes. The same can be said for any marriage you enter into - you never know the outcome in advance.

I can see why a therapist that sees only the negitive side of an open relationship would have an issue with it. I am married 15 years with an open relationship with my wife. I can't get enough of her and life is great sexually. I came close to a divorce over money and a suffering business (different issues). We did seak help with a theripist for that. He wanted to here about our sex life and all we would tell him that it was great. Our sex life is none of his business. I know that if I lose the business and all my belongings that she would be right there with me. We believe that if it isn't broke don't fix it.

Harriet, you sound bitter and your idea that refraining from having sex with other people is the glue that holds together a marriage is idiotic. Remember, not everyone is as insecure as you and your clients are. I have been in an open marriage for 8 years. I live with the person I love and get to experience other lovers as well. I have my cake and eat it too.

Open your mind.

Everyone has their own set of experiences that leads them to the mental space they are in. It is not a matter of one lifestyle being "better" than the next. For those in an "open relationship" (however it is defined by you), if it works for you that is great. Please do not look outside your world and criticize other's choice to not participate. Life is all about choices. I think that for me the ultimate open relationship is staying single....period, but that is just me....

open marriage, that is. My parents had one. My grandparents had one.(!) No divorces. None of these relationships involved casual sex, but a long term lovers on the side. Very long term lovers. Is it because we are European? I have also wondered if non monogamy was genetic? I have never imagined complete monogamy being an option for me, so I have always entered any relationships, including marriage, with that understanding, with like-minded persons.
Is it because I was brought up thinking that was pretty normal, or because I am genetically programed that way. But there is no question in my mind that it can work. No doubt my kids will see it in the same way, but I am at loss if is nature or nurture.

Polygamy, Polyamory, Monogamy. Each of them has their own sets of problems. The most important part for any of these to work is our mentality. Each poses different requirements on all aspect... especially sex. People who are successful in either three find this proper balance to make it work. However this balance requires a lot of trial and error, hard work, knowledge and the desire to change.

Polygamy, Polyamory, Monogamy. Each of them has their own sets of problems. The most important part for any of these to work is our mentality. Each poses different requirements on all aspect... especially sex. People who are successful in either three find this proper balance to make it work. However this balance requires a lot of trial and error, hard work, knowledge and the desire to change.

Oh, what does Dr. Lerner know about this? After all, she's only been a marital therapist for 40 years. She can't possibly know what she's talking about.

Open marriages only very rarely work. Most often, they end in divorce (92% of the time by one study). If you want to have multiple sexual partners, don't marry. The suggestion that a marriage become open is just another way of saying that the marriage is already in serious trouble. Everyone at least fantasizes about having sex with someone other than one's partner and some act on it. While I do not believe that a sexual dalliance should be the grounds for ending an otherwise good marriage, the tacit approval of one's spouse having sex regularly with others indicates that one's own commitment is less than absolute.

I have has some experience with open marriage myself. I have never been involved in one. My father was. The doctor commented that usually in an open marriage, there is at least one emotional casualty. There can be more than one. What open marriage does for a man is relieve him of any responsibility toward his own children, and they, too, may become "emotional casualties" of open marriage. The one great, best thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother, and be a real man about it. The open marriage concept is a cop out for people not able to sustain an intimate relationship with real integrity.