The Dance of Connection

Rescuing women and men from the quicksand of difficult relationships.

by Harriet Lerner, Ph.D.

Things Fall Apart

Sooner or later the universe will send you a crash course in vulnerability, meaning that you--or someone you love--will get a great big lesson in fear and grief. Read More

Are You a Member of the Dead Dad's Club?

"You don't have a father, you don't have a father!" a classmate chanted during recess. As the others chimed in, Mel fervently wished that everyone in his class had dead dads. Read More

Anxiety Sucks

It's hard to feel good about yourself when anxiety disrupts your memory and concentration, leaving you unable to read, write, study, analyze, or take in new information. Read More

Don't Think Pink

It's October, breast cancer awareness month. Let's question the annual onslaught of pink. Read More

The Truth About Your IQ

Do you worry about not having a high-enough IQ? Here's the real scoop on intelligence. Read More

Do You Have a Bad Boss?

Is your boss driving you crazy a good deal of the time? Here's how to rate him or her--and your crazy workplace. Read More

Are You Secrectly Ashamed of Your Kid?

It's normal to feel shame about certain family members. Here's the solution to "secondhand shame" Read More

Should You Bring Up Separation or Divorce?

Here are four reasons why you owe yourself and your partner honesty. Read More

Don't Judge Your Sex Drive

Comparing ourselves to others and concluding that we come up short, is the most common way we create our own unhappiness. Read More

A Survival Guide for Difficult Family Visits

If family visits from parents or siblings have been stressful in the past, be thoughtful about managing them in the future. Follow these six steps. Read More

The Most Important Email Rule Ever!

Tack this sentence to your computer. "If you are feeling angry, misunderstood, or otherwise intense, do not send that email!" Read More

Stamp Your Sex Fantasy "Normal"

Fantasies are only fantasies. They evolve from a place in the unconscious mind that has nothing to do with your adult capacity for love and intimacy. Read More

Coping With Countermoves

If you dare to make a change in an important relationship, anxiety rises like steam. The opposition to your greater assertiveness invariably goes like this... Read More

What Stepmothers Are Stepping Into

Here are the three most important things you should know about being a stepmother. Read More

10 Steps to Handling Unfair Criticism

Let's take a close look at how we can manage--or mismanage--the process of receiving unfair criticism. Read More

Unwanted Thoughts? Snap the Rubber Band!

We can't stop unwanted thoughts, but we can say howdy to them. We can give each negative or judgmental thought a little welcome and sendoff. Read More

The Cosmic Countermove: What Your Therapist Won't Tell You!

Warning: The universe itself may give you a hard time if you make too bold a change! For example, you buy a house and the week you move in the dishwasher stops working and your car breaks down. What does this mean? Before you make a relationship change of any kind, know the truth about "cosmic countermoves! Read More

Two Things Will Never Change

I have a story I love to tell. When my son Ben was six years old, and my first book, The Dance of Anger was published, I overheard him exclaim to a small friend, "Do you know that my mother worked on her book for my whole life?" Read More

Seven Life Lessons From My Public Speaking Career

Hanging out in front of large audiences gave me some surprising communication tools. Here are 7 things I'm grateful to have learned. Read More

Rejection Sucks

We might all wish to don armor (or at least a wet suit) to protect us from the feelings of shame, self-loathing, depression, anxiety, and rage that rejection can evoke. Read More

Should you Stop Therapy or Counseling? 7 Simple Guidelines

Often we feel compelled to stay in therapy--or to leave-- for all the wrong reasons. Read More

The Fear of Flying: What You Must Know

Like many women, I became terrified to fly, or more accurately, terrified to crash, after having children. Read More

The Most Overrated Virtue: My Jewish Perspective

Let's speak of our successes with the same unapologetic gusto and candor that we speak of our fat thighs and poor memories. People who take pride in downplaying their accomplishments irritate me. As some wise person once said, humility is its own form of arrogance. Read More

Top 12 Anger Do's and Don'ts

Here are the top 12 anger "Do's and Don'ts" when you're dealing with a difficult person or a difficult subject. Read More

Shame About Your Looks?

Shaming messages come in the form of "well-intentioned concern," like the comment, "Are you OK?" (meaning you don't look/sound OK) or "You look tired." (Who wants to look tired, even if you happen to feel tired?) or, "I'm only concerned about your weight because I'm worried about your health" (Do they really think you have somehow missed out on the endless warnings regarding the risks of obesity?). Read More

Harriet Lerner, Ph.D., is best known for her work on marital and family relationships and the psychology of women. Her books include The Dance of Anger and The Dance of Fear.

more...