The Dance of Connection

Rescuing women and men from the quicksand of difficult relationships.

Harriet Lerner, Ph.D., is best known for her work on marital and family relationships and the psychology of women. Her books include The Dance of Anger and The Dance of Fear. See full bio

November 21, 2009

The Foundation of Self-Esteem

Anxiety, by its very nature, will lead you to lose objectivity about the complex, wonderful, flawed, ever-changing person you are.

November 8, 2009

Over coffee with friends recently, the conversation turned to embarrassing moments. The story I told involved a pair of underpants creeping out one leg of my jeans and onto a busy street in Lawrence, Kansas.

October 11, 2009

FEAR VS. ANXIETY

Whatever your emotional vocabulary, no one signs up for anxiety, fear, or for any difficult, uncomfortable emotion. But we can't avoid these feelings, either. Read More

September 29, 2009

Anxiety and Shame: A Lesson in Courage

How do you speak up when a more powerful person (a teacher, doctor, boss) is shaming you, or simply behaving badly? Read More

September 7, 2009

FELIX: My Role Model for Mindful Living

If you are reading this now, you are not a cat and never will be. So along with the good days, you're going to experience the entire range of painful emotions that make us human. Read More

August 30, 2009

You're Still an Anxious Mess?

Some years back I went to a two-week spiritual retreat in Arizona, which included two days of fasting and practicing total silence alone in the desert. Afterwards, we sat in a circle and each person told a story from his or her experience.

August 23, 2009

Should you pretend to be happy?

Sometimes I encourage my clients to engage in creative acts of pretending, not to run from the truth, but rather to discover new truths. Pretending joy or happiness can be a self-fulfilling prophecy. Read More

August 16, 2009

Curing "Intimacy Problems": Step One

What happens if a couple remains other-focused over time? She continues to insist that the only way the relationship will improve is for him to become more responsible. He insists that instead she must become less critical and more sensitive to his needs. What happens is that no change will occur.

August 9, 2009

Can You Cause Your Own Cancer?

A psychology colleague tells me about her therapy client who has "chosen" to get breast cancer as a way of protesting a bad marriage she hasn't the courage to leave. I cannot disagree more. Read More

August 5, 2009

Female Friendship: Two Pieces of Advice

When I was sixteen my best friend dropped me for another girl because I wasn't "deep" enough for her. I felt devastated, my confidence crushed. Here's my advice about friendship: Read More

Books by Harriet Lerner, Ph.D.

The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships

The Dance of Intimacy

The Dance of Connection: How to Talk to Someone When You're Mad, Hurt, Scared, Frustrated, Insulted, Betrayed, or Desperate

The Dance of Fear: Rising Above Anxiety, Fear, and Shame to Be Your Best and Bravest Self

The Mother Dance: How Children Change Your Life

The Dance of Deception: A Guide to Authenticity and Truth-Telling in Women's Relationships

Women in Therapy

Franny B. Kranny, There's a Bird in Your Hair!

Relationships Basics

Love is the most profound emotion known to human beings. For most people, romantic relationships are the most meaningful element in their lives. But the ability to have a healthy, loving relationship is not innate. Almost all of us have experienced a failed relationship, and most of us have to work consciously to master the skills necessary to make them flourish.

Go to the Relationships Basics page for more on Relationships including:

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Books by Harriet Lerner, Ph.D.

Relationships Basics

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