The Dance of Connection

Rescuing women and men from the quicksand of difficult relationships.

by Harriet Lerner, Ph.D.

The Most Important (and Surprising) Marriage Rule for Men!

if you're telling yourself your partner is "too difficult to deal with," you need to start small, start here, and start now. Read More

Don't Think Your Marriage is Affair-Proof!

Don’t be afraid to set limits on a particular outside relationship when your gut tells you that your partner could be tempted. Read More

Mother's Day: The True Story Never Told

With all the flowery sentimentality surrounding Mother's Day, the real meaning of mother's day is easily lost. Read More

Kid Shock: Three Marriage-Saving Tips

Do these three things. Don’t be like the man who lies shivering in bed but is too tired to get up and go find himself a blanket. Read More

My Ten Commandments for Marital Success

The TEN COMMANDMENTS of marriage--or, hmmm...think of them as rules, or just pretty good ideas. Read More

Wrestling with the BIG married sex question

No expert that can tell you how to choose between these two "opposite" sex truths on any particular day (or night). Read More

Are You Motivated to Have a Better Marriage?

Marriage shouldn’t be that messy and complicated. But in real life it is. Read More

Will Your Marriage Survive the Affair?

It's normal for the harmed party to feel enraged, depressed, crazy, disoriented, obsessed with details of the affair, and convinced that nothing will be ever be normal again. Read More

Best Advice For Valentines Day

Love really is a verb. Do these four essential things. Read More

In Praise of Anger Mis-Management

There is a particular time when “losing it” is the only way to be heard. Read More

You Call THAT an Apology!

Good Apology or Bad Apology? Here's the difference. Read More

The Greatest Marriage Tip Never Told

People enter marriage with a deep longing that their partner will tend to their wounds and not throw salt in them. Read More

Choose Joy

About 85 percent of the time our best bet for relationship happiness is to remember the sandbox--and let those kids be our role model. Read More

What! You Don't Want to Have Children?

Other people can't make you feel misguided or inadequate. They can only try. Read More

The Secret To Stop Fighting with Your Partner

Here's proof that you (and your partner) have more control over anger than you think you do. Read More

Married to a Non-Talker?

While self-disclosing is one way to be intimate, it’s not the only way. Read More

Are You A Pursuer or A Distancer?

Pursuing and distancing are normal ways that humans navigate relationships under stress. One is not better or worse than the other. Read More

Forget About Normal Sex

The pursuer-distancer dance leads both partners dreading the bed at night. Read More

How to Connect with a Distant Partner

Getting out of pursuit mode may mean ratcheting down your level of intensity—which includes loud, fast-paced speech, interruption, over-talking and offering help or advice that isn’t asked for. Read More

Ten Simple Steps to a Remarkable Relationship

Practicing these simple ten steps will change even your most difficult relationship. Equally as important, you will transform yourself in the process. Read More

Most Important "Save-Your-Marriage" Rule for Guys

Never assume that your overall contribution to a relationship or household compensates for failing to do what you say you’ll do. Read More

Don't Demand An Apology!

If you have a partner who doesn’t apologize, it won’t help to doggedly demand it. Instead, try to understand that some people can’t or won’t offer a genuine heartfelt apology even if you deserve one. Read More

What If Lisa Brown Said the Other V-Word?

Representive Lisa Brown caused a national stir for using the word “vagina” at the end of a speech opposing a sweeping anti-abortion bill under debate. But what if the debate had been about, say, labia enhancement surgery, and Brown had used the word “vulva” instead. Read More