A secret way to improve your self esteem

Aleisha*, a professional woman in her late twenties, loves her job but worries that she’s not good enough at it. However, even though she often questions her abilities, the evidence is that she’s pretty good at it. A recent promotion and substantial raise should have boosted her self-confidence. But now she’s feeling even less secure than ever.

“I’m afraid they’re going to find out that I’m completely incompetent,” she tells a friend. “They’ll see that I’m a fraud…that I’ve been fooling them the whole time.”

What makes someone like Aleisha, an excellent student who graduated from high school and college with honors, who found a job shortly after graduation, and who has quickly moved up the career ladder in a profession that she loves, doubt her abilities at that job? And what can she do about it?

It may seem counterintuitive, but one answer to this question lies in its exact opposite – Aleisha’s narcissism. Although Aleisha feels doubtful and insecure, if you get her to talk to you about her academic and professional successes, she says, “Well, yes, I did really well in school…but maybe I fooled everyone all the way through…”

She will also tell you – with a little embarrassment – about her success on both her high school and college swim teams, where she won numerous races on her own and as part of a relay team. And she will admit that she was homecoming queen and that she is dating a man who is handsome, successful, and who loves her madly. “Well, at least I think he does,” she will add.

What’s up with this? She tells you about her successes, and then she tells you that they might not be real? Does this have something to do with low self-esteem?

But why would someone like Aleisha, who has seen nothing but success in her life, suffer from it?

A lot has been written about women’s low self-esteem, and while it is clear that it can be the result of painful, repeated life experiences and mistreatment, there is another, less well-known side to the phenomenon.

It’s related to, but not the same as a fear of success that many women struggle with. A lot has been written about how women worry about being seen as too aggressive, unfeminine, and basically unlovable. (I’ve listed two classics at the bottom of this blog if you’re interested in reading more about a psychological perspective on women’s fear of success.) But for now I’d like to focus on a different issue, one which affects both men and women, and often affects those of us who have good and loving parents and had a mostly happy childhood.

This is a fear of being narcissistic.

What does this mean? Simply that because narcissism has received such bad press in recent years, you, like many other well-intentioned, competent, even successful people you know may shy away from anything that makes you seem at all self-centered or overly self-involved. But something you should know is that not all narcissism is bad. There is also healthy narcissism – a normal, perfectly reasonable self love that makes us do good things, like take care of ourselves, set healthy boundaries, and even take pleasure in life.

So, you probably have read or heard that excessive narcissistic demands for attention and admiration can hide a vulnerable sense of self that is easily hurt, rejected or feels inferior. I don’t actually agree with that theory as a blanket for all narcissism, but that’s for another discussion. What I do agree with is that sometimes one thing can be a screen for its opposite.

In some cases, this can be the case for low self-esteem, which is actually hiding high self-regard. And I’m not talking about that kind of fake “Aw shucks, I’m not really so hot” that nobody buys. I’m talking about real problems with self-esteem, where you feel like you’re a failure or worse, or where you feel like you’re a fraud about to be exposed to the world at any minute.

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How does it work?

Let’s say that you are feeling really good about yourself. You’ve done a great job at work, you are pleased with the fact that you keep your body pretty healthy, and you really like how you look, how you dress, and how you are living your life. How many friends will you make if you put that attitude out to the world? So maybe you unconsciously play down your success, or maybe you even knock yourself down a few notches by reminding yourself that no success is forever, that you’re only as good as your last accomplishment, or that your supervisor doesn’t really like you very much.

So then you become extremely vulnerable to any criticism. Your supervisor may suggest that you need to do some more work on a project before you present it to a senior official. You don’t hear this as helpful. Instead, you see it as confirmation of your inadequacies.

The painful thing is that this second group of thoughts and beliefs may be the ones you’re actually aware of. You don’t realize that there’s a self-confident person lurking behind the scenes, because that part of you feels dangerous, since you equate it with being a narcissist. If it peeps out for a moment, your unconscious squashes it immediately.

So what can you do?

1. First, you have to acknowledge that you really do have some good feelings about yourself. One way to do that is, in the privacy of your own room, where there’s no one around but you, ask yourself to name three things that you’re proud of. They can be anything. Actually, most people are surprised by what they come up with. It’s often not the most obvious, but something that you might think is almost silly. You may, for example, be a highly successful executive, but you’re proud of the taco casserole that’s your signature contribution to any family get together. Or like a dear friend of mine, a man who was a well-regarded scholar who had published numerous books and articles, you might be proud of the hat that you knit for your kid.
2. Once you’ve got a list of three things that you’re proud of, ask yourself what makes you so proud of them? For many of us, the things we’re proudest of involve overcoming some difficulty. My scholar friend can write a book in his sleep, almost; but learning to knit involved find motor coordination which has always been a bit elusive for him. His pride actually had nothing to do with the beauty of the hat (which he admitted was completely lopsided), but with the fact that he had worked really hard to accomplish it.
3. The problem with these accomplishments is that we are often embarrassed that they make us feel good. And we’re equally embarrassed that we need something so simple to enhance our self-esteem. If you don’t feel proud of your accomplishments at work, or if you happen to be someone who has a great body or beautiful hair, or any other quality that you feel you didn’t earn, you may have troubles feeling pleased with yourself. You may feel like a fraud. You may want to be recognized for the things you actually work at, not the things you got easily or just because.
4. Once you’ve realized what it is that makes you feel good about an accomplishment, try to remember it the next time you start to feel badly about yourself. Are you really feeling badly? Or is your hidden narcissism at play. Are you wanting to be recognized not for what you did well but easily, but for what you worked hard to accomplish?
5. And now for the clincher – can you brag a little about some of these accomplishments? A little humor often helps. My scholar friend took pictures of the famous hat and put one in a frame on his desk, along with his photos of his family. The thing is, most people don’t realize that behind a successful person can be a sad, hidden narcissist, so they don’t think to compliment you on the little accomplishments that mean so much to you. Give them a chance and you may be surprised to find that not only do you get some pats on the back for some of your hidden accomplishments, but your self-esteem may start to rise.

Oh yes. And don’t forget to compliment other people on their hidden accomplishments as well.

Please let me know if this makes any sense to you, and if you get any results from these exercises! And as always, other ideas and suggestions always appreciated!

* names and identifying information changed to protect privacy

Teaser image source: D 45529722 © Ximagination | Dreamstime.com

Harris, A. (1997). Aggression, Envy, and Ambition: Circulating Tensions in Women's Psychic Life. Gender and Psychoanalysis

Moulton (1986) Professional success: a conflict for women. In Psychoanalysis and Women: Contemporary Reappraisals, ed. J. Alpert, pp. 161-182. Hillsdale, NJ and London: Analytic Press.