- Home
- Find a Therapist
- Topic Streams
- Get Help
Mental Health
Addiction
ADHD
Anxiety
Asperger's
Autism
Bipolar Disorder
Depression
Eating Disorders
Insomnia
OCDPersonality
Passive Aggression
Personality
ShynessPersonal Growth
Happiness
Goal Setting
Positive PsychologyRelationships
Low Sexual Desire
Relationships
SexEmotion Management
Anger
Procrastination
StressFamily Life
Adolescents
Child Development
Elder Care
Parenting
SiblingsRecently Diagnosed?
Diagnosis Dictionary
- Magazine
- Tests
- Psych Basics
- Experts
One day recently Jean*, a young professional woman, started her session with a rant about one of her co-workers. “The man does not stop talking,” she said. “Today he asked me how my weekend went, and before I could utter a word he started telling me about everything he had done.” Read More
That 1% and A RANT
These are great tips that would work on pretty much everyone. Except that 1% which includes my mother in law.
I've been married to my husband for 3 years and his mom will NEVER stop talking. She goes on and on about nothing.
She has no friends just people she thinks she's helping, like family members she treats as semi- patients. Everyday, She talks about her family and says their sick and "ill". She will go to one persons house to talk about this person,vice versa. You can understand why everyone would get tired of her.
But, I've noticed that she will only talk about herself in two ways. 1.)Victimizing herself or 2.)Making herself sound like god.
It's the weirdest thing. She can never be wrong. My husband and His family members have these three options - 1.) Argue Back and Walk Away 2.) Ignore everything she says and walk away 3.) Agree and Walk Away, while shes talking. ( It's Rude, I know =[ )
People talk to escape their own inner demons. It's like a person with an Addiction. You can do drugs for only temporary relief but ultimately the problem is still there. Until they can see it and realize they need help. It's best to walk away.
Not another mother-in-law
Not another mother-in-law rant again!
Joke aside, it is very embarrassing to have a parent who thinks rest of the folk are sick, but he/she is a naive, vulnerable individual who in reality,unbeknownst to him/her, spends life piling up one mess over the other.
Besides escaping demons, there may be insecurities , unquenchable
desires that may be at play. One would hope that they would see it one day and realize. That never probably happens without intervention. If it does happen, there may be undesirable depression that the parent will go at their old age. It is best to let them reflect one event at a time and look at a long term management (somewhere between steps 2 and 3).
Wish it was as simple as walking away, but I totally understand.
Good points
Thanks for contributing these ideas. I agree with you -- it is a complex situation -- but sometimes walking away is all a person can do!
Best,
Diane
the 1%
It is so hard when someone is so convinced that she's a victim that she victimizes everyone else. Sounds like you and your husband have tried everything you can. Walking away seems like a reasonable solution -- and it doesn't sound as rude as some other things you might have done instead. It sounds like you're husband is struggling with the same issues, though, so at least you're on the same side. Good luck!
Mother-in-law
You say your mother-in-law has no friends. Did you ever think she talks so much and tries to help because she is trying to make friends? Maybe the things that drive people away are the things she is using in trying to get them to come close.
Perhaps MIL lacks the capacity for personal insight?
If MIL repeatedly engages in non-stop talking and the unvarying result is to drive people away from her, then why doesn't MIL understand that non-stop talking AT people is NOT how you make friends?
Why doesn't she get this?
If something clearly isn't working, then you have to try other things until you find something that DOES work; repeatedly engaging in any behavior that is *consistently* counterproductive is kind of, well... insane.
-Annie
I know its rude, but...
It is amazing that these "monologuers" can just go on... and on... and on... without pausing, seemingly, even for a breath! Its so incredibly rude! Thank goodness they don't seem to crop up that often.
I needed to ask one of these individuals a question but since she gave me NO opportunity to do so after literally five minutes of nonstop monologuing, I just turned to her date and spoke to him (which meant I was talking over her) and I asked him to ask her my question when she had time to respond, at which point she interrupted her monologue and answered my question. Then she started up again. I just smiled politely, said "Thanks!", and left.
My own opinion is that probably a lot of the people who habitually monologue have some kind of personality disorder or other, probably narcissistic pd. It demonstrates a profound lack of empathy for the feelings of other people combined with total self-absorption RE their own needs and feelings. ("ME, ME, ME! Its ALWAYS all about ME!!")
Seems like that, anyway.
MIL
I cannot BELIEVE this woman had a DATE! How handy it would be if anyone else were ever around. MY MIL is quite silent when we have a group. I suppose she can't tell when it's her turn.....I now have seven people on my list (at least right now) who talk non-stop. When it's on the phone, I sometimes take a little nap until they realize they are getting no response. A dead battery on my phone can help, too. Caller ID is the best defense. The in- person ones I know are all very bright and artistic. Three are over the top religious. All are alone, except one, who only recently married for the first time. One has never married. The rest are divorced, and two have divorced more than once.
Yes, we are all wired differently, but has anyone learned how to help these people? Their self-images do not seem to match up to the reality of almost no one wanting to be around them. My MIL CAN be quiet and polite with new people, so it tells me she CAN if motivated. However, even from afar she appears to judging.
MIL
I cannot BELIEVE this woman had a DATE! How handy it would be if anyone else were ever around. MY MIL is quite silent when we have a group. I suppose she can't tell when it's her turn.....I now have seven people on my list (at least right now) who talk non-stop. When it's on the phone, I sometimes take a little nap until they realize they are getting no response. A dead battery on my phone can help, too. Caller ID is the best defense. The in- person ones I know are all very bright and artistic. Three are over the top religious. All are alone, except one, who only recently married for the first time. One has never married. The rest are divorced, and two have divorced more than once.
Yes, we are all wired differently, but has anyone learned how to help these people? Their self-images do not seem to match up to the reality of almost no one wanting to be around them. My MIL CAN be quiet and polite with new people, so it tells me she CAN if motivated. However, even from afar she appears to judging.
Great technique!!!
Babs, I laughed when I read your way of dealing with this woman! Thanks for the chuckle!! I think you're right that some of non-stop talkers are narcissistic, but there are other reasons people don't stop to let someone else talk -- anxiety about being corrected, fear of allowing anyone to get close, and shame about not being able to listen are just some of the reasons other than the ones I talked about in the blog. But that said, even understanding the problem doesn't always make them easy to be around.
Best,
Diane
Mom talks way toooooo much
My mom talks about everything under the sun, if u ask her what she is cooking today she will have to go back to about 2 weeks ago to tell u what she is cooking today,if she says she want to ask a question it ends up about an hour or sometimes more it is hard to live with after all i cant tell her to shut up.
I am dieing here, sometimes i just want to hide a hole or go the other side of the planet.
Its OK to be politely assertive, though
We are trained from the cradle to obey and defer to our parents and respect them, but when we reach adulthood, if your parent consistently treats you disrespectfully, with no consideration for your time, your needs or your feelings, its OK to politely but firmly set boundaries with your mother or father.
Parents who are consistently rude, or who reverse roles and become dependent on their adult children, parents who are too controlling, too intrusive, and treating their child like their substitute spouse, or as their servant, or their therapist, or their only friend in the whole wide world... well, such a parent is not very mentally healthy and such behavior toward their adult child is inappropriate, engulfing, enmeshed or co-dependent, or tyrannical. In any case ITS NOT HEALTHY.
In such cases, its important for your own emotional health to step back, create more emotional distance between yourself and your not-mentally-heaklthy parent, and set a boundary or two. For example, you can decide that you will only give your mother 10 minutes for each call, and limit responding to her calls to whatever frequency feels tolerable to you. Let's say one call a week.
You don't have to justify, argue, defend or explain your boundary to your mother, just enforce it.
At the end of the 10 minutes, speak over your mother if you have to, as politely as you can, and say something like "I'm sorry mother but I have to go now, there are a lot of things I need to take care of. I'll talk to you again next week. If you have a question to ask me, send me an e-mail; I'll get you and answer as soon as I can."
Its not easy to learn to do this, and its not easy to step back and create more emotional distance, but keep telling yourself that you are not responsible for your mother's feelings, but you are responsible for how you yourself react or respond to how other people treat you. Its OK to have personal boundaries, and having them and enforcing them doesn't make you a bad person or a bad daughter.
I hope that helps.
-Annie
Such good advice. I wish I'd
Such good advice. I wish I'd had someone tell me this years ago.
mom calling 2 or 3 times a day
Why do I feel quilty telling my mother today that she calls me too many times a day? She calls me two or three times a day and on the 3rd time she calls when my husband is just walking in the door from work. I tried talking to her about it today and she got mad and started crying. Now I feel quilty.....WHY?
Why do you feel guilty?
It's a great question, and unfortunately, there are no simple answers to it. But it's something that might be worth trying to explore a bit. There are lots of theories about guilt, but from your question, I wonder if in your case it may be about setting limits with your mother. Here are a few questions to ask yourself as you try to figure it out: Is your guilt because you feel like your Mom is too fragile to withstand healthy boundaries? or are boundaries something that you and she haven't worked on, but might possibly be able to do? Do you feel that you don't deserve to have a life separate from her? Do you think she feels that way? Is she unhappy in her life, while you're starting to make a life for yourself? Do you feel guilty about that? Guilt doesn't always mean you're doing something wrong. I find that many people feel guilty as they separate from their parents in part because it can be hard to separate and maintain a healthy connection at the same time. I've written about separation and connection in my blog and in a number of articles; you might also want to explore more about the issue of boundaries -- I've written about them, and so have several other people on the PT website. And finally, if you continue to feel badly, or conflicted, please talk to someone professionally! It's almost always useful to hear an outsider's perspective.
All the best,
Diane
I forgot to tell you that I
I forgot to tell you that I am 51 and she is 71...does that change your response? Thank you so much for responding!
Only changes the answer slightly
Hi -- Well, actually, that gives me an opportunity to put out more questions -- like has this been going on for a long time, or has something shifted recently making you feel worse about cutting your mom off? These are questions you should always ask yourself when you feel guilty about anything. And then, maybe you can address the question with your mom. As you've probably seen from the other responses, some people respond well to these discussions and some don't; but lots of people who talk too much feel badly about it, and if handled gently, might be appreciative of someone they love opening up a discussion about it!
Best,
Diane
Why do people talk too much?
Perhaps you need to write out a script and place it next to the phone. Then you can just read it to her when she calls. Try "Mom, I'm real busy right now," or "I'm late for my appt. (hairdresser, manicure, dentist)", or "I need to lie down for a few minutes." "I have a headache" also works sometimes, and you may just have to push the hang-up button, which doesn't feel the same as hanging up the phone itself.
Your best friend is Caller ID. When asked where you were, you were napping, or outside chatting with the neighbor, or down in the basement, or you had your hands in soapy water.
Since guilt is your thing, you should make a preemptive phone call, perhaps when it's inconvenient for HER. Then you can put her on speaker phone and let her drone on while you play Free Cell or dust the furniture. Or, just call her every time you're on the toilet. That should send her the message that that's the only "down time" you really have to spare for her calls. I would forgot about trying to change HER! Only your reaction to her.
I talk too much
I know I talk too much. The words in my head form faster than my mouth can speak them so I try to get it all out NOW. I am trying to slow things down. I am. I also noticed during team presentations the other day that I could hardly wait for a member to finish so I could present. I took a deep breath (careful not to be loud because people might think I am being rude) and asked myself if my presentation was more important than his. No was the answer. So I waited my turn and listened to what he had to say. I find this very challenging. I am on medication that increases my heart rate enough to make me feel 'speedy'. I feel as though I am in a hurry all the time. So I practice all types of exercises that help me relax. They do work. And while I work on them, I have introduced humor into my life. I try to lighten things up so people are more comfortable letting me know I need to zip it. I am a serious, nerdy person who has to work at bringing that humor into my life but I do find it works. It not only makes it easier for people to give me the "shush" look with a smile, it relaxes me. I also don't take the shushing to the depths of my being. I am a good person who needs to put a sock in it sometimes! Oh, and hanging out with laid-back people is good therapy, too.
What a smart attitude!
You've clearly taken stock of yourself and faced your own personality head on; and you've found creative ways to interact with other people to help you control yourself. I like it that you've accepted that this is something you have to struggle with without seeing it as a terrible character defect; and that you are using humor to let other people know that you are ready to hear their complaints!! Good for you!
Best,
Diane
While I agree
While I agree with what many of you are saying. I am one of those constant talkers. It may seem to others that we don't care about what other people think or feel but for some of us it is more about the inability to process our thoughts internally. And also not being able to discern what or what not is important to a conversation. Many of us do care deeply about others feelings and what they have to say.
I try to let people know up front that I am a constant talker and to let them know that it is perfectly ok to tell me how they feel ( don't have time or things to do etc.) And that my feelings won't be hurt.
Honest and insightful
Thanks for your honest and insightful comment. I think it must help people who know you that you are able to explain what is going on so clearly.
Best,
Diane
My mother
I am so glad that I am not the only one dealing with this issue. I know this is an older post...but just had to comment here. My mother is 77yrs. old and is absolutely terrible about not shutting up. She cannot hear (wears hearing aids, but seriously needs new ones and we are begging her to get them all the time) and has very bad vision. This just makes the problem of her non-stop talking all the worse because she cannot hear us trying to talk over her. She just continutes talking. My father was in the hospital recently and the poor nurses couldn't get out of the room and away from her. It's as if it is a mental disorder. It's so obvious that people are trying to get away, have things to do... we have told her nicely (after the fact) not to hold the nurses and doctors up, that they have other patients, and she tells us (my sisters and I) that they don't look very busy. We are at our wits end. Phone conversations are never less than 2 hours long with her and her line is always busy! She will go as far as describing the color and consistency of her bowel movements! This is a running joke in our family. Please HELP!
Boundaries
Hi -- It sounds to me like you're doing almost everything possible to deal with your mother. I'm glad to know that it helps to know that you're not alone -- because you're definitely not! The one thing I can think of that might help is to recognize that she can't change this -- it's just a fact about her. So to protect yourselves, you and your sisters might think about setting some boundaries with her. For example, I'm wondering if you have to stay on the phone with her for 2 hours. What about starting the conversation by saying that you only have twenty minutes, and then remind her at the end of 10 minutes that you only have 10 minutes left, and that if there's anything she really needs you to know, she needs to go ahead and tell you. And then at the end of the 10 minutes, gently but firmly tell her you have to go.
She might not respond well to it, and my guess is that she'll let you know that she has other things she has to say; but if you are firm and if you stick to this with her everytime you talk, she'll eventually get used to it, even if she complains or doesn't like it. And then you won't have to avoid calling her, which I imagine happens, given that you have to stay on the phone so long everytime!
There are probably other places where you can also set gentle but firm limits -- just remember that she's not going to help you with this, because she can't. You have to set the boundaries that feel right to you, and that allow you to keep your connection to her, but without being run over by her!
Hope this is helpful. I'd love to hear how it goes!
Best,
Diane
Boundaries
Thank you so much for the advice. I will definitely try this. The majority of the difficulty lies with my mothers hearing, I think. We try to tell her that we have to get off the phone, but she just keeps talking right over us. My sisters and I have gone to the extent of calling each other or having our spouses call us from their cell phones and telling my mom that we have another call on the line. This hasn't even worked. She just continues to talk. She will say things like, "oh, ok, I will let you go, but I forgot to ask you this one last thing", or "I just wanted to tell you this one thing". And then 40 minutes later we are still trying to get off the phone. Like stated by another post, it is usually a point that can be stated quickly, yet she must go into such dramatic and exhausting detail that she usually gets completely off track and never even gets back to her original point. Then she calls again later to tell me the original point! I do avoid phone calls, like you stated. It's sad, but I do. I have a 23yr old disabled son that I take care of and you would think she would understand that my time is limited. I find her behavior exhausting and even selfish at times. I try to be understanding and patient, I love her dearly and I respect her greatly. But due to that respect, I find in difficult to hurt her feelings and be firm too. That's an issue I have to deal with. I cannot let her run all over me, like you said. She gets angry at all of us girls and says we avoid her phone calls and don't come see her enough. I wish I could be straight forward with her enough to tell her that it's because she monopolizes our time to a such a degree that a one or two hour visit turns into 4 or 5 and I just can't do that. I just so wish I could get her to see what she is doing without hurting her feelings or getting her mad at me. I guess as it turns out... most of this problem lies with me not being able to take a stand with my mom.
May be worth giving a try
You have already realized what the main issue is: you have a hard time taking a stand with your mother. You are not alone. Those of us who were raised by controlling, domineering, personality-disordered mothers have been trained from birth to obey and respect our parent, even if the parent is being abusive to us.
So, your choice is: Do I just continue to let my mother abuse me like she always has and be miserable, or do I take a stand and set limits with her, and feel some guilt? From my objective point of view, it seems that your mother does not care at all about YOUR needs and YOUR feelings; you exist merely to provide for her needs and take care of her feelings. That's very narcissistic; does she even ask you how you are feeling or if its a good time to talk? I doubt it.
I think that if you keep trying the same thing or enduring the same thing over and over, and it isn't working for you, then its time to try something else. So, perhaps go ahead and try being more assertive and set some reasonable boundaries for yourself, as the Dr suggests. Yes, your mother will not like it, but, from what you've shared here, giving your mother her own way isn't making her very happy anyway; she is never satisfied, never pleased and demands more and more. So, you really have nothing to lose by setting time boundaries and following through.
-Babs
Talkers and boundaries
Sure, trying to set boundaries is a great idea, but often these people SAY that THEY are busy and must leave, but still do not. I have to assume they CANNOT. If there is no cure other than levity, why is everyone so wracked by guilt and a need to go along with this behavior? I tend to believe there is a level of obliviousness with this syndrome, but on a gut level, you know they are aware of what's going on. Hence, let them reflect upon it after you have either hung up or left the room. Maybe you could carry a little notepad and write a message for those who can still see.
i agree, but...
I'm such a people pleaser (a recovering one!) and don't want to hurt (in my case) my sister's feelings. And sometimes, if I say I have to go, she gets angry and verbally lashes out at me. It's very hard for me to just hang up.
Boundaries and Kindness
Hi -- You're struggling with something that so many people struggle with. I totally support your desire to be kind to your mother, but when you don't call her because you don't want to be mean, it's probably not helping. Try to let her know that you love her whenever you can -- my guess is that comes through when you talk with her anyway! But try really hard to stay firm about ending conversations after 20 minutes. What would happen if you said, over her words if you have to, "I do have to go now Mom. I love you!" and then say it again, and then hang up?
You've definitely given me an idea for a new post!!!
Best,
Diane
Boundaries and Kindness
I do not know what would happen if I were to say "I do have to go now Mom, I love you!" and then hang up. I will try it... Although it scares me. LOL! I thank you so much for the advice. I would love to know what the idea for the new post is! I will keep you posted on how things progress with my mom :-)
Post new comment