When I was eight I saved my allowance so that I could buy my mother a white carnation from the florist down the street from our house. I was so proud of myself, and she was so touched, that that Mother's Day is still vivid for me. Unfortunately, things went downhill after that. As I moved into pre-teen and then teenage years, I started to argue with her over everything. For a woman of her generation, this was sacrilege. It was many years before our relationship healed; and longer still before we were able to connect to the feelings that had been symbolized by the white carnation.
What happened to us was not at all unusual. In the week before the second Sunday in May every year, clients who feel hurt by and angry at their mothers wonder how they can get through the day; and others who feel equally hurt by and angry at their children worry about the same thing.
Mother's Day is, according to some sources, the busiest day for florists in the year; and the second busiest day for restaurants (the first being Christmas!). But it may also be one of the unhappiest days for many mothers and their children, no matter what their age. In my post "Dreading Mother's Day and what to do about it" I talk more about some of the difficulties facing many of us on this media driven hyped up day, and I offer techniques for getting through it with a minimum of pain.
But here's another trick to getting through the day: Whatever is going on, whatever is wrong, whether you are angry, unhappy, hurt, sad, or just plain irritated - don't take it personally. What does this mean?
Taking something personally means making it about you, not about the other person. Not taking it personally, therefore, means recognizing that something is happening for the other person, and that while it is directed at you, it does not necessarily mean something about you.
Because it is happening to you, it is hard not to take it personally; but the feelings themselves are often painful enough without turning them into a reflection of who you are or whether or not you're a worthwhile human being. You can read more about these ideas in my post "Don't take it personally."
As a young woman, I spent a great deal of time angry at my mother for trying to control me. As psychotherapist and then as a mother myself, I learned that parents, much to the surprise of their offspring, actually have feelings; and that some of what felt like my mother's attempt to intrude into my life was really just her desire to stay connected to a child she loved and who had once loved her enough to spend every penny of a month's allowance on her.
Whether you are a mother whose children are angry at you, a child (of any age) who feels hurt by or angry at your mother, or a mother who feels hurt by or angry at your children, if you take it personally, you make it about you. If you do not take it personally you understand that it is about the other person - and this simple shifting of the prism can make a tremendous difference in the situation.
Here's an example of how not to take personally something that is directed at you: despite what my parents' generation thought, it is not always a sign of disrespect for a child to argue with his or her parents. Children begin to develop their own sense of identity by disagreeing with the adults in their lives - it's not for nothing that many toddlers say "no" long before they learn to say "yes." High school students getting ready to leave home for college are some of the worst offenders. This is one of the ways that they get ready to leave. My own son smugly repeated regularly throughout his senior year of high school, "You know we're just fighting like this so that we won't miss each other so much when I'm gone." (As he would probably tell you, there are some major disadvantages to being the child of a psychotherapist - but one advantage is that you can win arguments by tossing your parents words back at them from time to time...)
This doesn't mean that we should allow our offspring to walk all over us; nor does it mean that we should allow our parents to push us around unfairly or treat us cruelly. It can mean, however, that if your child, no matter how old, is able to tell you when he or she is angry or frustrated or unhappy with you, you can congratulate yourself on having made it possible for them to talk to you about a range of their feelings. If all they do is tell you the bad things, try this: in a moment when you are both feeling calm, tell them something you like about them. Say it honestly, and only say something that is true. Try this a few times, and see what happens. If you continue to only get angry responses, over the course of a few weeks, then at some point you might want to ask if they can possibly tell you anything they like about you.
This works in reverse - if you are a child whose mother is always criticizing, try the same technique. See what happens.
Even if your mother or your child can't say something positive, it doesn't mean that you are a bad person - or a bad mom or a bad child. It might mean that there are some things the two of you need to work out - and maybe need professional help to untangle.
Things got better with my own mother when we both realized that our arguments were, as my son reminds me, about separation, not about dislike. We had been very close, and our anger at one another was one way that we dealt with the normal separation process. Once we both felt more comfortable with my growing independence, we were able to get close again.
And this is the primary reason for not taking this stuff personally. If your child fails to give you a present on Mother's Day, painful as it feels, try not to take it as a personal rejection. Try to find out what it means for them. What has happened? What is going on? It's okay - even helpful - to talk about your own feelings, but it will be much more meaningful if you can do it without attacking, criticizing or rejecting your child. If you can find a way to think and talk about this without experiencing it as being all about you, the two of you might, just might, gradually find yourself engaged in a much more rewarding, adult relationship with one another.
