These clients don't want to be overprotective, hovering "helicopter" parents who cannot let go appropriately. They are seriously concerned, but they think that maybe their anxiety is neurotic. The received wisdom of our culture is that when an adolescent reaches the age of 18 he is supposed to be on his own.(See this NY Times article.) His parents are no longer supposed to offer advice (which he most likely won't take anyway).

But surprisingly, there are other professional voices telling parents not to let go so fast. In 2007 George D. Kuh, an Indiana University professor, found that students whose parents were more involved were actually more successful at college than their "liberated" peers. The question, of course, is what kind of involvement we are talking about.

In the 1950's the psychologist Erik Erikson (1) recognized that between the ages of 18-22 youngsters need to develop an identity separate from their families. But he also understood that this could be a difficult time, and that a number of factors could determine whether or not this phase of development was successfully negotiated. Growing up and developing healthy independence involves making mistakes, and college campuses are often relatively safe places for those early steps away from parental authority. But as I explain in a recent post, this process generally works best when there is also a healthy connection to loved ones.

Several university websites offer helpful advice for this time when "I'm the boss of my own self" alternates with "Tell me what to do.(Another useful site is the CollegeBound network's "parent's portal.") Finding a good balance - one that is manageable for parents and growth-enhancing for students - is not always easy. It is also not a one-size-fits-all formula. While some kids are ready for full immersion in a separation experience at the age of seventeen, eighteen or even nineteen, others are not. And even those who are fully independent do better if they know that their parents are still there in the background.

Obviously, advice and guidance parents offer to their college aged kids is different from that given to younger adolescents. Helen E. Johnson, one of the authors of "Don't Tell Me What to Do; Just Send Money," (3) a practical guide to parenting college students, says that parents should not take on their children's problems, but they should be available to talk with them about the issues involved. In other words, a college student needs help discovering an answer for him or herself, not a parent's answer. But helping young adults find these answers can be complicated. On the one hand, we know them pretty well, and we have many more years of experience than they. We want to tell them what to do. On the other hand, they think they know everything, and we want to throw up our hands and let them make all of their decisions on their own.

This push me pull you struggle is not helped by current policies restricting a parent's ability to get important information about a student's functioning. While it is extremely important to protect a young person's privacy, it also seems to me to be a contradiction in terms to keep grades hidden from parents who might profitably use the information to make an assessment about their child's functioning at school. This was the situation with one young man who I worked with after he flunked out of his sophomore year. He had refused to sign a release for his grades to be sent to his parents and had proceeded to enjoy school tremendously - but not for the academic experience. He was having such a good time partying that he slept through his classes and did none of his homework; but his parents, who thought that they were supposed to "let go," knew nothing about the problem until the middle of the summer after his sophomore year, when they did not receive a request for payment from the university.

"He had spent his entire sophomore year partying," said his mother, tearfully. "He lied to us about everything," his father said. "He was on probation first semester and suspended second; but no one informed us. They're happy to take our money, but not to let us know that it's being wasted."

Furious, they demanded that their son return home and get a job. At that point, it became clear that he was struggling with psychological problems and encouraged him to begin therapy. They also set up a structure in which he began to repay them some of the money that had been lost on school. But the thing that was most useful for all of them was a new effort to find a way to stay in more realistic communication. Their son was almost twenty-one by the time they started therapy together, legally an adult. But even an adult needs some connection with his or her family, as they all finally came to recognize. The link does not need to be severed - in fact, no connection is just as unhealthy as too much dependency. It's just a different kind of relationship than the one of childhood or even early adolescence. (Dr. Robert London, my colleague on the PT website has some more useful suggestions for parents during this period. Margaret Nelson, another colleague on this website, has some interesting data about helicopter parents. )

Here are some suggestions developed over the years of working with college students and their parents:

1-Set up guidelines for staying in touch. Once a week may be more than enough for some youngsters, even if it is not enough for their parents. More often may be better for some, especially in the beginning (although sometimes it works the other way - initially a youngster needs less contact, but as the semester progresses and she feels more settled, she may want to talk more). But staying in touch is not by definition neurotic. It does not mean a parent cannot let go. It is an act of responsibility, a communication that you are letting go, but standing by to provide support and balance. And, as one colleague put it, "by listening to their voice on a weekly basis, you can tell how they're doing - just as you could tell when you looked at their eyes when they were younger."

2-Give advice sparingly, but always offer a thoughtful response when asked what you think about something. When possible, ask what your son or daughter thinks (difficult for most of us!) rather than simply telling them what to do. And when you do offer advice, make sure you and they both understand it for what it is - your idea or your experience or your thoughts about what you might have done in their place, for example. When you are setting up a requirement such as that they get a job or cut back on partying, make it clear that this is not gentle guidance, but a specific demand. You do still have that authority if you use it wisely.