ARE WOMEN TOO COMPASSIONATE FOR THEIR OWN GOOD?
Most people consider females to be more compassionate than males. But is this always a good thing? Females are hard-wired to be compassionate and patient and to value connection over confrontation. This is partly because we are biologically programmed to be caretakers. Nature has an investment in women being unselfish when it comes to their children-otherwise, children would be left to their own devices and would starve or go unprotected and be killed. Add to this the fact that women are socialized from early childhood to put other people first and to sacrifice for the people they care about, and we find that it is not uncommon for women to put other people's feelings and needs ahead of their own. But unfortunately, often women are too compassionate for their own good.
Rachel Simmons, the author of the best selling book Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls, found that the need to consider others' feelings at the expense of their own was a theme that ran through her interviews with girls. No matter how upset they were, the girls said that they would rather not hurt someone else's feelings. Their own needs seemed utterly expendable. They learned to shrink their problems and feelings into "little things," calling them "unimportant," "stupid," "not worth a fight, " and to stow them away somewhere inside.
Unfortunately, putting other people's feelings and needs ahead of our own can create a situation where a woman can actually become unaware of or numb to her own feelings and needs. Once this occurs a woman is a prime candidate to be used or abused by others without her even realizing it. And she is so focused outside of herself and so cut off from her own needs that in essence, she neglects and abuses herself.
Even the most liberated and powerful women can fall into the trap of putting others needs and feelings first. In Revolution from Within Gloria Steinem wrote about her own experience of being what she called "empathy sick," meaning that she had focused so much of her time and attention on helping others and meeting their needs that she had lost touch with herself and her own needs. She had spent so much time relating to others that she knew other people's feelings better than her own.
In my book, Loving Him without Losing You I wrote about my own experience with empathy sickness. About fifteen years ago I became burned out physically, emotionally and spiritually from spending all my time and energy helping clients and pouring my soul into one relationship after another. Both my physical and emotional health was suffering and I had lost touch with my own needs.
This is a typical scenario for many women-not just those who are committed to social change and the betterment of others. Women tend to focus so much attention on caring for others, on being empathetic to the needs of others, that we get lost in the process.
