I think it's always possible to forgive a person, because when you don't forgive them and hold a grudge against them, you always have this little 'anger' inside which, in my opinion, will make you depressed. So I think we should forgive people and just move on.

I'm not saying that you should completely trust that person again, but just forgive them. Eventually the 'offender' will realise what he/she has done and feel bad about it. But in this case, you should be the nicer one and forgive them.

If the offender never admits that he/she did anything wrong, the best thing is to just leave it at that. It's useless to argue with people on these things :)

Yes, we often hear that it is always possible to forgive. But I wonder if that makes some people feel like there is something wrong with them if they are having a difficult time forgiving. Let's say someone was abused as a child and the person who abused them refuses to even admit that the abuse took place. That can make it very difficult to forgive that person. Also, I think too many people say they have forgiven or try to forgive without going through the process of releasing their anger first. While it has been said that just "deciding" to forgive can make the anger diminish, it is my belief that this happens for only a few people. Most people need to express their anger (hopefully in a constructive, healthy way) before they can get to forgiveness. I think we need to give people permission to experience all their feelings--their anger, their grief--and not expect them to just "move on" right away. Otherwise I don't think it is healthy and I don't honestly think it is real.

As a former victim of domestic abuse, I feel I have much to say about this. In my circumstance I chose to forgive him despite the fact that he still denies to this day that he has ever caused me any harm.

Forgiveness just seemed like a natural enough option for me; it wasn't something I felt I had to do in order to heal.

I think that holding a grudge takes too much mental energy. For me, forgiveness provided me with a way to release the negative energy that was gnawing at me for so long.

Although in my situation I chose forgiveness, I don't think it should be a universal option. Forgiveness should not be forced; it should feel natural and made with a genuine attempt.

There is an article on this very website entitled "Must you forgive" by Jeanne Safer, that discusses the process of choosing not to forgive and how not forgiving isn't always a psychological detriment and can even be neccessary. She gives one example of not forgiving based on personal morals. She describes a woman who as a child was horribly abused by her brother. Her parents try to get her to "just forgive" her brother and expect her to attend family get togethers. Giving into this request de-values this woman as a person and seems to say that her ideas of wrong and right should be cast aside in the name of forgiveness and family harmony. The woman is empowered by her choice not to forgive and it reaffirms her own values.

People can and have, forgiven people they still choose not to see, however, the idea that forgiveness is neccessary to move forward seems untrue. Not forgiving and carrying a grudge are two totally different things. The woman previously mentioned does not walk around angry, she simply accepts, after much psychological work, that she does not wish to forgive her brother and does not wish to see him again. End of story. Her life goes on.

Thanks for this timely topic. This is one of the steps I highly encourage in my practice (it's step #5 in my 7-step process, so I make it a big deal).

However, throughout my work, I don't call it forgiveness because of the connotation connected to the word. I don't think forgiveness ought to be what we're taught it to be - that we should feel warm and fuzzy about the person or situation we perceived to have hurt us so badly.

I view forgiveness as resistance and binding, and that's how I present it to my clients. There is resistance between what you can learn and know to be true about yourself, and growth of Self, when you choose to hold onto events of the past. The events are just that - past events. The binding occurs when you feel bound to the emotional memory of the instance.

In fact, you don't have to have either. Foregiveness, for me, is essentially a "looking through" process. Instead of looking AT a person or situation, look THROUGH the person or situation. However, that can only happen when you first do that to yourself. Then, you can fully understand what makes a person do what they do, because they aren't living according to their own true Self.

Because there are two facets to us: Who we are externally and who we are internally, I think it's important to essentially look internally at who we are at the core. Not based on the events of our past (that would be looking externally), but who our authentic Selves are. Once we do that, then we can realize there is an authentic Self to everyone else. When we know that, then we can look through the external self, into the internal Self. This is what we call your Naked Truth.

Forgiveness releases the binding you have to the external self, so you can fully understand your OWN internal self, and that of others. When understanding takes place, so does forgiveness, and believe it or not, thankfulness.

Jennifer Ryan, M.Ed., LPC
Naked Truth Coach
http://www.iChooseChange.com

Thanks everyone for your interesting points of view. Yes, Jeanne Safer's article and book express important aspects concerning the question of forgiveness. Another aspect that hasn't been mentioned is the issue of compassion. Many people are able to forgive because they are able to have compassion for the wrong-doer. Instead of seeing him or her as a monster, they see him or her as a flawed human being--as we all are. They make the assumption that the wrong doer was probably abused or neglected in childhood and was simply repeating the cycle of abuse. I believe this is a valid point and feel this way toward most abusers myself. But I always caution my clients who seem to be too quick to forgive to slow down and seriously consider how the abuse has affected them. Many victims of abuse have more compassion for their abusers than they have for themselves. They don't want their abuser to suffer from too much guilt and yet they carry a great deal of the guilt about the offense themselves. We need to acknowledge how the abuse has affected us so we don't repeat the cycle of abuse ourselves. We need to talk to ourselves in a nurturing, compassionate voice and tell ourselves that we did nothing to cause the abuse. And we need to have patience and compassion for ourselves as we work toward forgiveness. As I mentioned earlier, it is okay and even necessary for us to experience our anger at having been victimized. We will forgive when we are ready, willing and able.

It is often interesting to me that those who consider themselves to be working for the public good--social activists, social workers, etc. often have the most difficult time forgiving. This was actually my situation for quite some time. As a therapist who specializes in working with victims of emotional, physical and sexual abuse, I often heard horror stories from my clients--stories of how they had been terribly mistreated by others--usually their parents. Because of these stories and because I knew first-hand how abuse can damage a person's life, I wasn't an advocate for forgiveness. But this was before I realized that I myself had been emotionally abusive to some of my partners. As a child who grew up with an emotionally abusive mother I had vowed that I would never become like her. Unfortunately, the sins of our parents often do come to haunt us and unbenownst to me, I had become my mother in some respects. This awareness was very shocking to me. In fact, it shook me to my very core. But one positive thing that came out of it (in addition to the fact that I could now work on stopping my inappropriate behavior) was that I gained compassion for those people who become abusive. The truth is that most people who become abusive were abused themselves as a child and are repeating the cycle of abuse. Most do this without conscious awareness and in spite of their best efforts not to repeat the cycle. Now I was not just an advocate for victims but someone who knew first hand what an abuser feels--therefore, I became an advocate for abusers as well. We really do need to put ourselves in the other person's place in order to have compassion or to experience forgiveness.

When someone has been abused, and decides not to forgive, and feels peaceful with that decision, that shows it's the right decision. Forgiveness seems to be equated with peace in most people's minds and I don't know why. I believe not forgiving can feel like a gentle ceasing of stressful, pointless compromise. It just depends on what the offense was, and whether the victim feels empowered by justified anger or exhausted by it.

If I thought about it like, to forgive or not to forgive, its not one or the other and I don't want to be limited. Since how this is important, my therapist has allowed me to set my own pace at whatever, it gives me power.
Now, I know I have it, it doesn't magically appear, but I discover it at the speed its comfortable.

I just accept some of their limitations,
sicknesses, illness, the further I move along...
yes, I am forgiving them

It seems in my own personal experience, there are times I'm more willing to forgive the same person over the same abuse than other times. I wonder whether I truly forgive that person. I do know that he suffered from his guilt. That seems to give me more comfort than just putting myself in his shoes. To forgive or not, moving on is definitely the thing to do.

I began therapy after the offender die and was different. I cannot be your judge but of course I know he did wrong and I m not guilty. This article its very important for me because affirm that healing its our first choice after we can solve about our disfunctional family live.

My answer its my answer I can not recomend to another ones because only the victim knows and feel his own pain and lives the consequences of incest.

I began a group today in Facebook To Forgive or Not Forgive Healing its our first choice...

You are welcome, and the group its for sharing experiences or links about recovery of incest or around the name of the group. Just I have high school and need more work for healing maybe the group will need some moderator or leaders.

Buenos Deseos, Best Wishes

Marvin Schult
marvin.schult@btinternet.com

27/01/08
Chihuahua, Mx (I was born in Costa Rica and know looking for my place or reason to be in this world)

As someone whose been in an abusive relationship with a guy whose been 10 years older than me, since i've been thirteen I have a lot to say about this.

Very often i've left this man only to be back in a couple of months for more battering.

I've read about how to get over a relationship a million and one times too many in hope of trying to not go back to it over and over again.

I think the mistake I've made is to forgive him for the verbal and sexual abuse over and over - because of the genuine belief that everybody we meet is fighting a harder battle. Looking back now, I dont think I should have ever forgiven him for a great many things that he did. Taking away my right to achieving maturity through natural and unforced experiances - constantly insisting that I will never be a better person when I have a right as a teenager and early twenties adult to grow as a person and over come any confusion and weakness in me.

I dont think these men should be forgiven for what they do to our hearts and minds. This constant abuse has warped my prespective on healthy relationships, on what love and caring is and setting sensible boundries for offence and defence. Forgiving them makes it okay for them to have treated us this way - that there is a reason that justifies them having battered us. Its like carrying a big sign that says 'i've been abused, but its okay, i forgive him and any other jerk who will come along pretending abuse is love because you know what - i'm just its perfectly okay to be in this situation'

It's not okay. People are capable of treating others very well and be treated well back - nothing ever makes it okay for someone to abuse you under the guise of love and for you to forgive them for it. They've taken away something very precious. Your belief that abuse is not love is not abuse.

Hope this is helpful for anyone going through the same vicious cycle.

Warm regards,

Sara

As someone whose been in an abusive relationship with a guy whose been 10 years older than me, since i've been thirteen I have a lot to say about this.

Very often i've left this man only to be back in a couple of months for more battering.

I've read about how to get over a relationship a million and one times too many in hope of trying to not go back to it over and over again.

I think the mistake I've made is to forgive him for the verbal and sexual abuse over and over - because of the genuine belief that everybody we meet is fighting a harder battle. Looking back now, I dont think I should have ever forgiven him for a great many things that he did. Taking away my right to achieving maturity through natural and unforced experiances - constantly insisting that I will never be a better person when I have a right as a teenager and early twenties adult to grow as a person and over come any confusion and weakness in me.

I dont think these men should be forgiven for what they do to our hearts and minds. This constant abuse has warped my prespective on healthy relationships, on what love and caring is and setting sensible boundries for offence and defence. Forgiving them makes it okay for them to have treated us this way - that there is a reason that justifies them having battered us. Its like carrying a big sign that says 'i've been abused, but its okay, i forgive him and any other jerk who will come along pretending abuse is love because you know what - i'm just its perfectly okay to be in this situation'

It's not okay. People are capable of treating others very well and be treated well back - nothing ever makes it okay for someone to abuse you under the guise of love and for you to forgive them for it. They've taken away something very precious. Your belief that abuse is not love is not abuse.

Hope this is helpful for anyone going through the same vicious cycle.

Hi,
I agree with Sara. The forgiveness concept can be a form of abuse too. We live in a world where fatalism or ideas such as sin nature cloud our thinking into believing abuse is almost inevitable. I believe you can have peace without holding on. Life offers infinite opportunities to begin again. You can do this without forgiving and have learned something valuable about your sad trauma having a greater appreciation for life and help others by being clear about right and wrong and wise too. Being forgiving can confuse the issue of right and wrong and make it more likely that you will be victimized again.

I have recently been told to forgive someone for something bad they did. I was told to forgive but not forget. This is a nice theory, to which I replied, I dont know how to forgive this particular person. I have tried and am trying again to face the person because I want to have some kind of relationship with them, sometimes I feel its what I need and want, other times Im angry because I feel like I need and want it - and was not ever given the chance to have it. So I cant forgive them because they messed up my childhood and the prospect of having a 'normal' relationship with them. However, I am the person today because of what happened, and I am a pretty balanced human being with an amazing teenage child - I have not done harm to anyone because of what I went through, and have morals and integrity, hence my reasoning for wanting to 'forgive', but like I said..........I dont know how to. Maybe Im not supposed to!

I was married for 23 years to an emotional and verbal abuser. I was miserable. I finally divorced him, but found myself in another relationship of similar qualities of abuse. I kept telling myself that I didn't deserve to be treated like this, that I wasn't going to tolerate it again, but when the anger dissipated, I forgave him and then started missing him and rationalizing his actions. I think the only way that I can get out of the abusive relationship is to remain angry. Forgiveness only opens the door to take more abuse.

Thanks for the article. Forgiving is something I am really struggdling with. I'm angry, mad as hell, sad, confused, hurt... In my head I keep on fighting with him, it goes around and around. I know it doesn't help but I'm not at peace with what he did and I just feel that what he did is unforgivable. If he could admit he made a mistake and that he is trully sorry it may be easier.