A Psychological Solution to Bullying

I'm glad to see you addressed the issue of homophobia as it appears to be a ubiquitous one; children everywhere are using words such as "homo" "faggot" and "queer" to deride and disparage others, especially males. The fact that people (not just children but adults too) use homosexual words to belittle someone reflects society's opinion about gays-we still haven't accepted homosexuality and, to be honest, I don't think that we will ever trully accept it (at least in my life time). Putting restrictions on freedom of speech is not the solution though, as you have clearly illustrated above. It's difficult, however, to idly stand by when someone uses such pejorative words but if our ultimate goal is to change their attitudes, we have to first let them voice their opinion.

Besides, children shouldn't feel obliged to "defend" themselves if someone accuses them of being gay because there isn't anything abnormal or wrong about it. More often than not, parents engender these homophobic attitudes into children's minds, which is just another unfortunate consequence of living in a society that is predominantly uneduacated, fundamental Christians (no offense to any Christians).

I do think, though, that highschools should start discussing controversial issues such as homosexuality, abortion, and teen pregnancy, among others, which will encourage critical thinking and freedom of speech. Teachers shouldn't take a stand on the issue, but rather present the topic from a neutral perspective and ensure that everyone is aloud to voice their opinion and that everyone respects each other's views. But, again, by virtue of being a predominantly Christian soceity, most parents disapprove of discussing such matters as they feel it is their right and duty to educate their children about these topics.

As an 18 year old, I can say with relative certainty that most of the things that are written on the use of the word gay are at least slightly inaccurate, but I think the distinctions are important, especially as it pertains to bullying kids who aren't gay.

Most writers on this topic are adults, and most of the people who read what these writers write are adults. The inside perspective is a bit lacking. The quick synopsis of the word gay usually is, as you said, that it means something along the lines of "stupid" or "bad." That's not it. A much closer match is the word "lame." In other cases, people will use the word to mean "feminine."

In the world of boys, or rather, a lot of boys, the only set of qualities that can be openly expressed (to certain positive reception) are masculine ones. Being tough, grounded, strong, stubborn, aggressive, these are all qualities that in some capacity will be appreciated by a typical male audience.

It's important to remember though, that boys aren't just compassionless animals. I think the significance is this: the average boy is masculine first, feminine second. To be a successful human being, I think both sides of the coin need to be developed. But masculine first, feminine second. A boy calling another boy gay can be seen as a challenge to that boy's masculinity or his "coolness." The underlying question is "Is my personality stronger than yours... and if so how much stronger?"

At this point, "gay" is too common a word to just eliminate it. The best defense is to develop a strong sense of self, which is really the best way to defend oneself against any emotional trauma. Friends call each other gay in everyday conversation, so in reality the typical well handled conversation would go something more like this:

A: You're gay!
B: No, you're gay!
A: Dude, you're more gay than Clay Aiken
B: That's not what you're mom said last night

Both parties would laugh, because ultimately they don't mean any of the insults they say to each other. It's conversation that's almost as natural as trash talking during a pick-up game of basketball.

I haven't addressed what this means for the gay community, who most understandably would be hurt by the use of the word "gay" to mean anything negative, but I hope somewhere in my ramblings I've made a few points worth reading.

I find it hard to believe a teen could be so clear, articulate, concise and spot on in your response to this article. I do hope you are in fact a teen, it gives me much needed faith in the future knowing there are young people out there with such impressive skills. I have to say you said everything so well that you made the article sound rather, eh, well, gay. Well done.

You don't get kids. At all. Or many adults I've met. When someone insults someone else, they aren't saying it after careful aforethought, it isn't the result of carefully balancing which insult would be most appropriate, which best describes the victim (well, 'victim' is a little strong), it's usually just the easiest way to make someone uncomfortable or depressed. Trying to turn an enemy into a friend, especially in high school, is a fantasy found only in movies and after school specials, and trying to explain to someone who calls other people 'gay' why it doesn't make sense or doesn't work is more likely to end in further insults at least. Of course some teenagers and children might notice, but they're less likely to insult others in the first place.
Besides, the word is just another insult. I'm ashamed to admit that, when two of my friends used it constantly, I slipped into the habit of calling things gay. And after a while I stopped realising it completely. I didn't notice I used the word until a friend looked at me and asked why, exactly, something was gay. Most insults or swear words aren't even heard by whoever says it, just by the recipient, who might be damaged.

Of course, none of this counts for those who just joke and rip on each other like Nick G said.

(Ooo I was wondering how many other teenagers are on this site)

I think Izzy is right but I agree with Nick that he needs help with his scenes! Find some kids to be your writers. Otherwise they won't listen to your ideas, they will think you're out of touch.

That is too bad because your ideas are right -- the best way to get people to stop messing with you is to make it go flat which you can do by joking, like you show, or by taking what they say real seriously, like you're really really interested in their ideas.

Somebody out to mess with you is not expecting you to joke with them or have a serious conversation. They were trying to have some fun by getting you cranked up. If you don't get the person anything to work off of, he's going to get embarrassed or bored or maybe he will even get into a conversation with you. Most likely he's going to move on and look for someone else to pick on.

So Izzy, good ideas but you really need to hire some kids to write for you! No offense, but you really talk old school.

I think some of Izzy's ideas are helpful, but he has some misconceptions. The right to free speech has never been a right to "say whatever you want." All rights have limits, because by exercising our own rights, we sometimes interfere with another person's rights. Carl Walker-Hoover's right to the pursuit of happiness died with him.

Izzy's scenarios are helpful when the bully is one person talking directly to another. Another good resource is a book called When I Say No I Feel Guilty, although it's been around a while.

However, bullying is sometimes more widespread. Several students recently took their own lives because their school environments were full of antigay harassment. Their school districts didn't prohibit the harassment effectively, but some districts do. How many more people have to die before we say "enough"?

To the speaker, expressions like the f-word and "you're so gay" may just mean lame or stupid, but to victims like 11-year-old Carl Walker-Hoover, they are intensely demeaning. In a study of high school students, gay people who often heard antigay language were more likely to go into a depression, become addicted to alcohol and drugs, and attempt suicide. A study of college students showed that even heterosexuals were more likely to be depressed, angry, and anxious if they often heard antigay language.

That's why I think we need laws against bullying - and if you hear someone demeaning gay people, I hope you'll speak out. Tell people how harmful those words can be. You could save lives.

Izzy, I think it’s great that you help kids cope with bullying - but it isn't legal to just say anything at all, and bullying is harmful, sometimes even deadly. That’s all I’m saying.

No one is suggeting that kids SHOULD get upset by bullying. Yes, people are saying that bullying hurts and kills. Among others, the American Psychological Association is saying it. So are the U.S. Department of Education, the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, and the Secret Service. Dozens of studies have shown it to be true, including an annual study by the Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network. You mentioned Columbine. That tragedy showed how harmful bullying is and helped bring public awareness to the problem.

“New research from the Secret Service and the U.S. Department of Education on 37 school shootings, including Columbine, found that almost three-quarters of student shooters felt bullied, threatened, attacked or injured by others. In fact, several shooters reported experiencing long-term and severe bullying and harassment from their peers.”
-- “New ways to stop bullying.” Monitor on Psychology, volume 33. American Psychological Association, October 2002.

“Every day in our schools and communities, children are teased, threatened, or tormented by bullies. Bullying is a problem that creates a climate of fear, that affects the whole school, and in some cases, the entire community. When we fail to recognize and stop bullying behavior as it occurs, we actually promote violence. We are saying to the bully, “You have the right to hurt people,” and to the victim, “You are not worth protecting.” Safe schools are everyone’s responsibility and everyone can help keep our schools safe.”
-- “Take action against bullying.” United States Department of Health and Human Services: Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, 2003.

“Large numbers of students have been bullied over long periods of time while nobody paid any attention. Today, however, more people are recognizing that it is a basic democratic right for a student to feel secure at school and not to be troubled by offensive and humiliating treatment. Because of highly publicized school incidents, we now know that ignoring bullying can lead to violence or make a victim feel so overwhelmed that he or she sees suicide as the only way out.”
-- “Bullying is not a fact of life.” United States Department of Health and Human Services: Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, 2003.

Everyone, please do your part to help stop bullying.

Your article was well written with excellent points but the comments about the priest molestation was unprofessional. I would think that you would know how child abuse occurs at the same rate in all churches and professions, psychologists included. The media has blown this our of proportion. Your comments about priests and Christianity is a form of bullying and offence is taken.

Dear Anonymous:

I'm sorry you felt offended. The bit about the priests is clearly a joke. All humor makes someone look bad. If we were to avoid offending anyone, we would have to get rid of all humor.

I also find it interesting that people seem to like the idea of freedom of speech, until they discover that something was said that they themselves don't like.

Best Wishes,
Izzy Kalman

Good general ideas, but your conversation examples are truly ridiculous. Have you been around or spoken to 10-15 year old boys lately?

There is a lot of confusion these days about free speech
vs hate speech, including in the minds of the ACLU, who
are defending, of all people, Fred Phelps and the Westboro
Baptist Church because of an old-fashioned, misguided lack
of understanding that free speech does not include hate
speech.

Many people mistakenly believe that all speech is free in
this country, but it is not. The founders of this coutry
rapidly saw the ways in which speech could be harmful, and
made laws about harmful speech:

If I say I'm going to kill you, that is threatening, and it
is against the law in this country.

If I own a bakery, and go around town saying that my competitor's
bread is full of worms in order to try to drive her out of
business, that is slander, and that is illegal.

If I own a tabloid, and make up a nasty story about a Hollywood
star that is so vile that no one will ever want to see his
movies again, in order to sell papers, that is libel, and
that is illegal.

If you spent hours writing something, and I steal your words
and present them as my own, that is plagarism, and that is
illegal.

It used to be that only straight white men had power, and they
could say whatever they wanted to whoever they wanted. But as
other groups have achieved some measure of power, it has
become clear that words hurt and words kill in other ways than
those described above.

On April 6, 2009, Carl Joseph Walker-Hoover, age 11, committed
suicide. He was being teased and taunted at school on a daily
basis for being gay. His mother pleaded with the school every
week to do something, but nothing was done. That was the fourth
time that year a middle-school-aged child suffered such bullying
and committed suicide. And with the Internet, cyber-bullying
and cyber-harrassment have become possible, and people feel
free to say even worse things through anonymity than they would
to someone's face.

But with all the suicides, it has become clear that these deadly words cannot be ignored. Cyber-bullying is now illegal in Australia, with a $300,000 fine, and is illegal in several states. Hate speech is illegal on most Internet sites, so Fred Phelps has his own servers, so no one can shut him down. So the ACLU is defending someone who could not even post a video on YouTube.

Hate peech is designed to do one thing, and one thing only; make someone else feel badly about themselves. We have slowly made other forms of harmful speech illegal; it is only a matter of time until hate speech is illegal too. WORDS HURT AND WORDS KILL.

Please read "One Town's War on Gay Teens" in Rolling Stone. Those kids used your methods. They joked with the bullies. They were not allowed to report. And they died, one after the other. One thing you consistently ignore, as is shown in that story, is that bullies are cowards. They rarely attack alone. They attack in packs, yelling hate speech. There needs to be consequences for this kind of behavior for it to stop; a lone kid would need super-powers to do it on their own.

I have been defending kids against Internet bullies for years, and your examples made me laugh. Your examples do work with ordinary, basically kind-hearted people, like the people at your workshops. Being a rational person, like you, I have tried them with bullies, and THEY DO NOT WORK WITH A TRUE BULLY. Bullies are SO not interested in rational discourse. They repeat the same thing over and over, and never change their minds. They will do anything to win; they distort the truth, lie, make things up in their heads, and just get angrier the longer you talk to them. You need to LISTEN to what the kids here are telling you; I am dialoguing with kids all over the Internet about bullying all the time.

Contrary to your assertions, recent research has shown that anti-bullying programs DO work. Not 100%, but no law works 100%, but I doubt that even you think that we should throw out our laws against child abuse, rape, and domestic violence.

You also state that bullying does not cause harm, yet it seems that every month we are reading about another child who has committed suicide due to bullying. Research has shown that children who bully go on to become adults who bully, either criminals or bullying bosses. Research also shows that being bullied in the workplace, even just with words, causes heart attacks and death. WORDS HURT AND WORDS KILL. Just because programs only reduce bullying be half doesn't mean we should not use them, especially when they become more and more effective the longer they are in place. If 3 kids suicide instead of 6, well, if I were the mother of one of the three children who was alive, I would be very grateful.

If you were going around the country saying that you were teaching an anti-teasing, victim-empowerment method, as PART of an overall anti-bullying program, and were not attacking effective anti-bullying programs, that would be one thing. You obviously have an effective anti-teasing method, when used with individuals. However, your inflammatory rhetoric is being used to pass laws like the one in Tennessee that says that it is okay to bully LGBT kids as long as it is done for religious reasons.

You do not seem to believe that actions should have consequences. However, your distortions of the truth are having tragic consequences for bullied children across the county.

No response in over a month from Izzy to Estraven.
What does that tell you?

When I started working with teens about 12 years ago, another counselor pointed me to your material. I have added it to my tool bag. As someone who finds value in role playing (both individual and in group settings) I have used the scripts on handling "your gay". I like the break down in responses of whether the person is gay or not. In middle school the word is often used as a button pusher along with stupid, not fitting in and such.

The day after reading this section, I was approached by a drama teacher to help with a group of 8th graders. For some reason, people equate some males that are into drama or say dance as being gay.(sexual preference) The use of some of your scripts was very helpful in starting a meaningful dialogue.

I look forward to using the scripts related to handling "Your and idiot" as shown on your video tape on "You Tube".

As in all counseling techniques yours is not a one size fits all.
Knowing when and where to use something (whether you are an elementary school student, teen or counselor/therapist).....as the advertisers say "Priceless"

you are appreciated once again by,

hld
laughologist and nearly normal reader and righter

When I started working with teens about 12 years ago, another counselor pointed me to your material. I have added it to my tool bag. As someone who finds value in role playing (both individual and in group settings) I have used the scripts on handling "your gay". I like the break down in responses of whether the person is gay or not. In middle school the word is often used as a button pusher along with stupid, not fitting in and such.

The day after reading this section, I was approached by a drama teacher to help with a group of 8th graders. For some reason, people equate some males that are into drama or say dance as being gay.(sexual preference) The use of some of your scripts was very helpful in starting a meaningful dialogue.

I look forward to using the scripts related to handling "Your and idiot" as shown on your video tape on "You Tube".

As in all counseling techniques yours is not a one size fits all.
Knowing when and where to use something (whether you are an elementary school student, teen or counselor/therapist).....as the advertisers say "Priceless"

you are appreciated once again by,

hld
laughologist and nearly normal reader and righter