A Psychological Solution to Bullying

I am a second grade teacher. When I read the following:

"No negative gestures, words or social exclusion will be tolerated in the school. The staff must address every complaint and provide detailed reports of their actions."

I had to laugh. If I had to do this in my classroom, I would literally have no time left to teach.

With the emphasis on inclusion of ALL children in a "regular" classroom, with very little support, the problems that I have to deal with on a daily basis and the resultant paperwork are already mind-boggling, without adding this to the mix.

Thank you for a great post. I think that I will show this series to my principal.

I agree with your position on bullying among equals (kids) but I wonder what your view is about teachers who bully students. I have noticed in my work with various schools that teachers are increasingly acting like bullies themselves--name-calling and ridicule, singling out and ostracizing particular students. And I wonder how much they are contributing to the intensifying bullying, for they surely seem to rile up the other kids and also declare an open season on them. I have seen teachers actively solicit other students in the class to ridicule and bully a particular kid. As the quality of teachers continues to decline, and stress levels for teachers continues to climb, the combination is likely to increase the number of bullying teachers. Do you think kids should be left to fend for themselves in this unequal power relationship? If not, what advice do you have for parents whose children are clearly being bullied by a teacher?

While I agree that one cannot turn schools into "police states", I think the article would have been more helpful if it actually pointed out policies that have been successful in reducing bullying behavior at school. It seems very likely that the author was not a recipient of bullying and really de-emphasizes the effects of being bullied on others, seemingly as "kid-stuff". I have been the recipient of bullying on a long-term basis throughout school secondary to an inherited bone disorder, multiple hereditary exostoses (MHE)which caused me to look somewhat different from others. His article seems to imply that it is the recipient's fault for being "different" rather than the resposibility of the bully for his/her own behavior. There are many "anti-bully" programsat school that help the "bully" to relate to others in a more prosocial manner, as well as helping peers to accept differences in others. These are the programs that should be emphasized, and I believe the author does a disservice to his audience by not highlighting workable alternatives to what is being proposed as anti-bully laws in his article.

These alternative..and there is lots of information by Izzy and easily found...

Check out Izzy's ideas and work by googling(or your favorite search engine...

bullies 2 buddies

or click on

http://www.bullies2buddies.com/

harris
aka the Doctor of Laughology

I have to agree with Izzy. Anti-bullying laws are basically encouraging people to become tattle tales. These people are bringing this same mentality into the work place. Instead of having the offended and the offender handle it themselves or even with a mediator present, we are teaching people to tattle. I know my boss is way to busy to deal with this. I think people need to learn that it is you who controls your own reactions. If someone is "mean" to you, how you react is all up to you.

Concerned parent, you bring up an excellent point. Dr. Kalman's work is good as far as it goes, but it makes several assumptions that aren't always correct. You bring up one example.

Kalman assumes that bullying is always a two way relationship. In many cases, it is, but in many cases, it isn't. What about when racism, sexism, or homophobia is the driver of the bullying? A person can't stop being black or being female after all? (Even if we used Kalman's approach but made an exception for racism/sexism/homophobia then the accusations of discrimination against white males by our schools would be at a fever pitch.) What about when the bullying is sexual harassment? Good luck with telling people that they shouldn't be bothered by sexual harassment. (If you think that you can get out of this problem by saying sexual harassment isn't bullying, that won't work because again the cries of discrimination against white males would be high. Plus, then any regular bullying against a girl would have to be treated as "sexual harassment" and thus creating an unequal system.)

As for not wanting schools to become police states, that ship has sailed. Schools have become police states. Take zero tolerance policies. How many students have been suspended or expelled for having aspirin on them for a headache? Bringing this back to bullying, Kalman makes the point that physical retaliation won't work because among other problems it will get you into trouble. The problem is that in many cases the victims of bullying will already be in trouble. With zero tolerance policies, many bullies who don't care about getting into trouble will do something to some victim knowing that both of them will get into trouble regardless of what really happened since the school has to obey the zero tolerance policy. (This is a similar example to the bullying teacher because the school is acting as a tool of the bully.) Of course, what we now see happening is the victims fighting back hard because if you're already suspended why not do as much damage to the bully as you possibly can?

I appreciate what Kalman is trying to do because there is a lot of cases of teasing that aren't much of anything and escalating them does no good for anybody. However, at best Kalman's solution could only be applied into half of all bullying cases. Also, since Kalman is older he doesn't have a good handle on what modern school life is like.

On top of that, a lot of these problems stem from the increasing dysfunctional nature of schools. Kalman is trying to use a band aid when major surgery is required to fix these problems and thus Kalman will fail. If we fixed the schools, then there would be no need for Kalman's approach.

The author makes a mistake I am shocked to see in someone who is supposed to know about psychology. The mistake is his thinking that a schools anti-bullying policy should be consistent with the psychlogical treatment that someone who has been traumatized by a bully should receive

Not everyone who is bullied is traumatized by it. For the most part, the trauma occurs when nothing is done about the bullying and it continues. The anti-bullying policies in use in schools are not meant to be therapy for the traumatized; They are meant to end the bullying. Therapy for those who are traumatized is (or should be) provided by trained therapists; not a schools anti-bullying policy.

I could break that article down piece by piece, but I don't have the time. So I'll just give the Cliff's Notes version.

*The same core arguments were used against hate crime laws, sexual harassment, and civil rights legislation. Those arguments didn't work then, so those arguments don't work in this case.

*Bullying usually comes from having contempt for another human being, instead of "conflict among equals". Therefore, bullying is often contempt based on petty reasons is about 1 or 2 short steps from the same core attitude we condemn racists, sexists, anti-Semites, and homophobes for.

*The sooner we get kids to know not only what behavior is wrong but WHY it is wrong, the more able the teachers are able to concentrate on the task of educating kids. Hard to do that if student morale is low and aggression is high.

*There's a fairly strong correlation between bullying and later spousal and child abuse; and probably physical altercations and substance abuse as well. Could anti-bullying laws be part of a long term crime reduction program? A cheaper long-run alternative than hiring more police officers and building more prison space?

Izzy, in the event you haven't come upon this research, you should check into the work being done on "Happy Victimizers," about how 5 to 8 year olds enjoy victimizing others and how this plays out in daycare, etc. Monika Keller et al. It is the first research I've seen that supports your approach, even though they don't explicitly tie it to bullying.

You have either no understanding or no experience - probably both - of any kind of bullying behaviour that reaches deeper than mild irritation. There are few people for whom the usual daily small and sometimes painful lessons of childhood - do not give them sufficient life skills to deal with the kind of bullying your 'booklet' describes.
I checked out your infallible rules.
Complete nonsense.
Of course there are attitudes, responses etc, that may be learned - to help fend off *some* of the most insistent and most destructive behaviour of determined bullies. Personally - I would not use the word 'bully' at all. By all past reference - it conjures up too many 'physical' images - of might and muscle - intimidating cringeing weakness. 'Persecutor' or 'intimidator' perhaps 'controller' - seems to me to be more apt in many of the circumstances that have ended in such tragic results.
I have listened with too much patience already to voices like yours, who recommend these simplistic solutions - ideas from people who - on finding themselves in any similar situation - would have not the slightest idea of any way to cope, and would be brought down very low by it.

Intimidation, persecution - can be insidious, completely secret, a determined, and interminable attempt to destroy - not simply to offend - but to 'kill'. Not physically - but in every psychological sense of the word, sometimes in order to gain very specific ends. And yes - even small children may learn the basic rules.
If you have never experienced that - you may not hope to understand how your article sounds, like nonsense, to anyone who has.
You have absolutely no right whatsoever to be making this attempt to harrass those who try to protect the lives of children and adults from one of the most pernicious ills of our time.

Nice article to read. Not everyone who is bullied is traumatized by it. For the most part, the trauma occurs when nothing is done about the bullying and it continues. The anti-bullying policies in use in schools are not meant to be therapy for the traumatized; They are meant to end the bullying.

I have been a police officer for almost 30 years and I have been a detective half that time. I hold black belts in two different systems of karate. And from about 8 to 18, I was bullied almost every day of my life.
While there is some merit in some of your opinions - (for example, when you write about everybody being nice to everybody is not realistic, I tend to agree) - your over-all message, as I see it, is "Let's let the teachers off the hook." I do realize that there are students as well as parents whom at times will make a mountain out of a molehill. But, what do you do to the people -teachers, clergy, cops...- who see a kid get bullied and then just say,” Boys will be boys," or, "Girls will be girls?"
To quote a paragraph that you quoted (The basis for The Bully Police)– “You are entitled to a life in which everyone is always nice to you. If people repeatedly treat you badly, please don't think it has anything to do with you or your behavior. If you feel bad, it is because of them, not you. Nor is it your responsibility to do anything to make them treat you better. Just tell the authorities, and the authorities will punish and rehabilitate the people who are being mean to you." No one understands more than I that in the real world the above premise just doesn’t cut it. But it should. I can only assume that the thought that you were trying to convey was that children and adults have to be responsible for their actions. I couldn’t agree more. But, if a child is just a real pain in the you-know-what, he still does not deserved to be bullied. He deserves to be ignored. If a woman wants to walk through the streets naked, she deserves to be arrested; she doesn’t deserve to be raped. If you walk through a dark alley counting your money, that may not be the smartest thing that you’ve ever done, but it doesn’t mean someone has the right to rob you. And the bottom line is, you don’t have to be nice to everyone you meet. You don’t even have to respect everyone you meet. But if the person you meet wants to be left alone, then leave him alone! It’s that simple. I shouldn’t have to explain why I want to be a recluse. It’s none of your business if I wear the same shirt two or three days in a row. What if I only own two or three shirts?
I studied psychology in college and was a non-licensed counselor in the U.S.A.F. I worked closely with a clinical psychologist, a psychiatric social worker and a psychiatrist. All three agreed with the mantra that mental health professionals have been preaching for years: “If I say something to you that hurts your feelings, I didn’t cause you to feel bad; you allowed yourself to feel bad.” While that may work for Mr., Spock and the habitants of Vulcan, we are emotional humans whom have feelings. That is what gives us our own personality; that’s what makes us different. And once again, that line of thinking let’s people off the hook for their behavior. “You stink;” “You’re ugly;” “You’re fat.” Those words don’t really hurt, do they? They only hurt if you allow them to, even if it’s true that you’re am fat, or you stink, or you’re ugly, or all of the above, right? I don’t believe in insulting people so if I disagree with you I will just say, “Doctor, I disagree with you.” But, what if I were to write, “Where did you get your degree you moron? I can’t believe that you are even allowed to practice. You’re just dumber than dirt.” Not only would that be rude and insulting but I would be willing to bet that those statements are completely without merit. And yet, the words sting. I could site further examples but I am sure you understand my point.
I have developed a bully-proof way of teaching kids how to fend off the bully and it involves more than just kicking butt and taking names. And because I have been a cop more than half my life, I do realize that it's a cold cruel world out there and you will not stop bullying, in mass, any more than you will stop robbery, rape or murder. For that reason, I teach kids, and adults, that if reasoning doesn't work, and logic doesn't work when dealing with the bully, then perhaps pain will.
But, not everyone will become a black belt. Not every one will become a cop with a gun. And some kids are absolutely terrorized by the systematic torture that they have to endure every day.
I would rather see an organization take a very strong stance on bullying than see it handled the way that it is routinely handled in the schools, at least by my experience. Remember, it was not too long ago that sexual harassment, child abuse, and domestic violence were issues that were not taken seriously, or seriously enough. It wasn’t too long ago when men could legally rape their wives. It wasn’t too long ago that if a woman was raped on a date and admitted to making out –merely kissing- the man before the rape, or if she even went home with the offender after a late date, prosecutors would tell her that the case had no merit. And although you write that there is no psychological basis for founding The Bully Police, people including law enforcement and legal officials have changed there attitudes about the above scenarios that I have just described largely because of psychologists and psychiatrists and psychiatric social workers whom convinced the world that rape, sexual harassment, child abuse, and domestic violence can happen in a variety of ways and have long-lasting, often permanent effects on the victim.
People need to wake up. This is not an over-reactive situation in most cases. In the past few years Bullycide has become a very familiar phrase. According to recent data on the Internet the youngest suicide victim whom took his life because he was bullied was eight years old.
I am one of the lucky ones. Have never thought about actively taking my life, but there was a time when I wanted to die. Bullying does exist; I have been there. And although I do believe that each case should be handled according to the merits of that case, if you paint this picture with broad strokes, you're going to miss something, and kids will continued to get bullied - and they will continue to die.

I am female. I have been severely bullied twice in my life by other females.
I was bullied in the 7th grade by a girl who lived near me in the projects of a mid-sized southern city. She and her friends would wait for me after school and harass me, yelling mean words, pushing/shoving, kicking me. I would get up, keep walking and not say anything. To this day, I don't know why she chose to bully me other than I was usually walking home alone and she had others with her. I had promised my mother that if the bully ever confronted me by herself that I would defend myself, not just walk away, but she always had someone with her.
We were never in the same class, I never saw here except on the way home. I was an A student, a nerd. She never approached me if she was alone. I would walk home a different way each day, some days she didn't find me. After a few bloody knees and torn jeans (we were poor, it was a financial hardship to purchase more clothes for school) my mother called the police. They talked with the girl and she quit touching me. She still called me names when she found me, but as long as she didn't touch me, I ignored her. Eventually she gave up.
High School began with more bullying, but it was by many people, not just one. I was white in a 75% black school. I was shoved into lockers and tripped down the stairs, had my hair pulled, called names, etc. many times until I made my chair in the HS marching band. After that, everyone left me alone because the band was an "all for one" group, anyone that harassed me would feel the wrath of many band members. I am sure that being in the band saved my sanity and my life in High School.
In college, I belonged to a group which provided housing to needy students.. I expected that I would find more girls like me, smart, but poor. However, most of the girls were from 2 parent homes where at least one parent had a college degree, they owned their own homes, businesses and had all of the modern necessities. I think that many of the families used creative accounting in order for their child to qualify for the housing. There were girls whose fathers were veterinarians, professors at small private colleges, a city commissioner, an owner of a farming machinery franchise, and while most of the mothers stayed at home, some were also teachers and businesswomen.
I grew up in poverty, my mother was a single mom, she was chronically ill, and only worked part time as a secretary by the time I was graduated second in my class from High School. I knew that there was financial gap between me and most of the other girls in the house, but I didn't let it bother me too much. The High School that I attended was also a very poor school and I did not have the advantage of Advance Placement courses like many of the other girls in the house.
However, I had earned my place in college and that was my path to a better standard of living. I also finally started filling out, my features and hair finally started to look better and even though I still had coke-bottle glasses, I had a lot of dates for the first time in my life.
Midway through our freshman year, I started dating one guy seriously. About that time, one of my roommates "K." started being really rude. She was a sarcastic person to just about everyone, so I didn't take it personally. K. was taller than me and didn't seem to be happy with her own looks. Eventually, she moved into another room. I didn't spend much time at home, but noticed when I did that K. was very sarcastic and that other girls would avoid me. I figured out that she was drawing up "sides" that if anyone was nice to me, she would turn on them.
Even though I had a scholarship, grant and loans, I had to work on campus in order to afford tuition, so I wasn't home much. I basically ignored my tormentor for a couple of years, even though I often thought that K. was being very hypocritical since she would go to church every Sunday and then sit with her Bible beside her and say mean things to me.
Every year, my tormentor was elected one of the house officers, and she was also great friends with the foundation which housed us. I realized that if I complained or confronted her, I would be the one who would be asked to leave and I didn't have anywhere else to live. So I avoided her and everyone else as much as possible. I finally had a single room and I spent most of my time in the house in my own room.
Eventually, the first boyfriend and I broke up. Not long after that break up, my tormentor's best friend "J." was drunk one night and revealed to me that the rift between me and them began because I had more dates as a freshman than they did. The irony of that was that J. was dating a man she would eventually marry and the tormentor, K. had also been dating a guy for some time.
Not long before J. confess to me, our house had taken part in an annual secret pal event where we drew the name of a house member and gave them small gifts for a week, then revealed who we were at a party at the end of the week. I had drawn J.'s name. This girl had not be directly mean to me, but she never stuck up for me either. We had be friendly before K. decided to shun me and I knew that she was protecting herself by staying away and never appearing to be nice to me. I thought about doing the worst job possible when being her secret pal, but I couldn't do it. I treated her just like I would have wanted to be treated. Since K. and J. ignored me unless K. was being mean, I listened and learned a lot. I knew what type of candy, etc. that J. preferred. J. was sure that her secret pal was K. because she got so many things that she liked and that she didn't thing anyone else knew about. At the final party, everyone was stunned to find out that I was her secret pal. But no one changed how they treated me. I have no doubt that had one of them drawn my name, I would have not been treated nicely. In fact, no matter who had my name, my secret pal was never creative or kind.
Several months later, I began dating the best friend of K.s boyfriend, and then I found out that she had started a lot of rumors about me. My new boyfriend was astonished to learn that I was still a virgin since K. told him I was a slut. My first boyfriend was an honorable man, but this second boyfriend date-raped me.
I was very depressed afterward, I tried to keep the relationship going, even though boyfriend 2 would periodically break up so he could go out with someone new for a while. My grades suffered. Eventually I broke up with him, got a job of campus and moved out of the scholarship house.
I wrote off the bullying as the bad judgement of a teenager/young adult who was insecure about her own looks and her attractiveness to males. I thought that eventually, K. would grow up, and hopefully would be happy in her life.
About 2 years after moving out of the house, while working in the same city as where I went to college, a man I knew through my work told me that he knew K. He was a pastor at the college chapel, and he had been her pastor while she and I were living in the same house. He told me that when he mentioned my name to K., she had nothing good to say about me and in fact had said many things about me that shocked him. I didn't explain anything to him, just shrugged it off as "she never liked me and I'm not surprised that she doesn't have anything good to say".
I didn't tell him about how K. had treated me while flaunting her Christianity, I didn't reveal several unflattering truths about her behavior in college that I knew to be true, nor did I reveal anything about her that I thought might be true and I did not make up any rumors, I just let it go.
However, I left that city shortly afterward, I do not contribute to or keep in touch with the foundation which housed us in college. My tormentor eventually held a board position in that foundation. I do get quarterly requests for a financial donation, so I know that if K. wanted to contact me, she has access to my address. I have only driven through that city once in the past 25 years. I now live 800 miles away from the city where I went to college. I am leery of having anything to do with the alumni group for my college because K. could know someone here and spread rumors.
I had forgiven my tormentor for the way that she treated me in college, but continuing to spread rumors about me years later was not easily put aside.
I have been married almost 20 years, my husband knows all about those experiences, we have 2 daughters, one in High School and I won't encourage either to join a sorority or other large female group when she goes to college because of the possibility of a tormentor finding her. And I do not want either of them to attend my alma mater because my tormentor still lives in that city.
My daughters are of an entirely different socioeconomic group than I was in when I grew up, both are very smart, confident, talented, pretty, charismatic, nice girls who have several best friends and many good friends. They have never been bullied and I want them to stay that way. They have also never bullied because I have explained to them how much that behavior affects others. I have spoken to both of them about what I went through in Jr. High and college, of course, the older one has been given more info than the younger one.
But the bullying that I endured so many years ago could have been stopped if there had been any consequence for the tormentor. I have thought about writing to the college foundation to encourage them to have a system in place to address bullying if they do not already have such a system. But I know that K. would figure out that I was refering to her and that might trigger more bullying.
If I had had someone to talk with in college, it would have helped. I did think about suicide, especially after losing my virginity by date rape. I worry that the advent of so many electronic devices allow rumors to be spread at light speed and that while what I endured was awful, the girls who are in the same situation now could suffer much more damaging effects. And one of them may react violently instead of withdrawing into her room like I did. Every time there is violence on a college campus, I think that eventually there will be something that mirrors my experience but ends in violence.
Another irony is that K. and I probably have things in common. I now belong to the same denomination that she did in college. When my husband and I were looking for a family church, I was reluctant to check out this denomination because of my tormentor's connection. But it turned out to be the best fit for us. We are raising our daughters in that denomination and I hope that they attend the campus chapel at whatever college they attend.
I still don't understand why the bullying was done to me. She didn't like me, but that is OK. There are people that I don't like but I don't fabricate terrible rumors about them or systematically work at making their lives miserable.
Another bizarre thing that happened in college is that there was a kleptomaniac in our house. Things disappeared from many girls' rooms. I didn't have much and didn't lose anything more than a few hair ribbons. I didn't spend much time in the house and I knew that things had gone missing while I was at work on campus, so it never occurred to me that I might be a suspect.
The culprit was caught while I was out of town at my first boyfriend's father's funeral. When I got back home, the kleptomaniac had be arrested and expelled from college, and none of the girls would tell me how she was discovered. One of the officers in the house, not K., told me that "Everyone thought it was YOU!" and she seemed really put out that it wasn't me, that it had turned out to be one of the popular girls!
At that time I thought that perhaps they might see that since their perception of character was so far off with the kleptomaniac that they might realize that they had me pegged wrongly also, but that never happened.
The bullying continued.
The bullying started because of the lack of self confidence of someone else, but I still feel the effects over 30 years later.

As the parent of a child that has been bullied, your entire article frightens and angers me. Do i expect the school and teachers and staff to do my work for me? When my son is at school, yes i do. He is under their protection and care for 6 hours each school day. I cannot, nor should i, follow him around on the playground during recess or between classes to make sure that other people's children are treating him with respect.

My child deserves to learn in a healthy environment. When he is told he cannot play on certain areas of the playground because he's not good enough or they don't want him on their team, that's exclusive. When the playground teachers and principal IGNORE his attempts to follow the rules by reporting bullying against himself and other kids (sometimes physical), the bullies win.

Anti-bullying laws have usually been created to protect children from cyber or physical bullying, but they are not strong enough, nor to they stop the problem of bullying in our schools. Children that bully should be removed from the school. Parents and the children that are bullies should be required to find counseling to determine the issues that cause them to bully.

In my research as a parent, i have been contacted by several parents in our district and local school and the "type" is usually the same: Children (usually boys) of separated or divorced parents, kids that are larger in stature and children that may be nice or respectful on their own, but in a group will bully and disrespect any child they find unacceptable.

I have raised my boy to be respectful, caring of others and to take pride in the athletic and personality skills he has. He is a good student with lots of friends and several activities. But all of that doesn't stop him from being bullied on the school playground, nor does it help the administration or staff to take his word regarding the bullying.

I hope that you review your biased article and step into the real life situations of parents that are dealing on a daily basis with bullies at school.

Your basic premise seems to be: "If you are being harrassed, find out what it is about you that makes you deserving of such treatment and fix it. The people who harrass you are in no way accountable. In fact, their actions are normal. You just need to stop being [fat, nerdy, autistic, awkward, special-ed, bad at sports]."

Not only have you probably never been bullied, but it sounds like you used to be one yourself.

A bully is a freak he or she became a freak long before he or she meets the victim and of course he or she choses always someone with something that looks as a handicap because he or she is a coward , he or she is scare of power and feel comforted by the misery of someone else .

Yikes!

"It is the basic responsibility of all law enforcement systems to protect the public from harm to bodies and property. Such behaviors, like theft, rape, assault and battery, murder, and arson, are already illegal and we don’t need additional anti-bullying laws to protect our children from them."

Really? What for? It's already known that victims of theft and rape weren't picked at random rather the perpetrator noticed someone who didn't fit in with the crowd and selected him or her. Alternatively, violence and murder, is primarily committed by people who know one another and during a heated moment and not carried out methodically on a random stranger.

If you subscribe to the "victim" of bullying is to blame because he or she is different and isn't putting the effort to "fit in" then why bother with crime? Most people "fit in" to society and don't get bullied nor be victims of crime. Maybe "victims of crime" should be adults and sort it out with the perpetrator and learn to get along and stop being taddletales to the police and courts?

Presumably you seem to suggest that bullying is beneficial to society because it toughens up the strong kids and culls the weak kids. "Suck it up kiddies because if you think the schoolyard is tough wait until you get inside the workplace. It's always Sparta."

I use to be in favor of anti-bully laws, but now I have been converted. I think the solutions presented in this article are great! The bullies want to fight back so now we need to back off and let them do whatever they want. Let's let the problem continue. By all means, don't make the bullies angry. For god's sake, please don't do anything that could possibly make a bully angry. That's the worst thing in the world to do. We should walk on eggshells around them so they don't retaliate. We should do everything in our power to appease the bullies at all costs. We should let the bullies run other people's lives like they make the laws. Whatever happens to the victims doesn't matter. We have police forces and armies with have vast amounts of weapons such as guns, bombs, and tanks at their diposal. But if a bully should happen to get angry, I don't what we'll do.

There's a simple solution to the direct correlation between the rise in anti-bullying policies and the intensity and increase in bullying. Kill off anyone who wants to get violent because you demand that they follow the rules. Make an example of them, and if that means turning schools and work places into "police states", then so be it.