The Big Questions

Life, death and free will.

If Glenn Beck Owned the Cavs (parody)

Glenn Beck on Lebron James (parody)

 

Daniel Gilbert basically went crazy when he lashed out against Lebron James, calling him "narcissitic," "cowardly" and accusing him of "betrayal" and "quitting during the playoffs." But what if famed Fox News Reporter Glenn Beck were in Daniel Gilbert's place?

Glenn Beck is renowned for many things. One of them is making outrageous links between separate things and then drawing even more outrageous conclusions. So for instance, Beck once noted that the symbol for a nuclear summit at the White House was similar to that found on several flags in the Muslim world. He reached the only reasonable conclusion: That the White House was sending secret, covert signs of friendship to the Muslim world, and  terrorists.

Recent gems include concluding that the dime is a covert symbol of fascism. He also is obsessed with comparing things to the Nazis.

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What would happen if Glenn Beck owned the Cavs?

"Dear city of Cleveland:

Lebron James betrayed the city tonight. Remember Eve in the garden. She betrayed Adam, and God himself. Lebron James is a woman.

The Nazis tried to destroy an entire race of people. Lebron James destroyed an entire race of Clevelanders tonight. He has a tattoo that reads "330." The number 330 rhymes with "dirty." And that's what the nazis were, dirty minded individuals. I am not saying, dearest Cleveland, that Lebron James is a Nazi, but as you can see, there are strong similarities.

As a White male in America I feel oppressed. Black men and women used to be oppressed in this country, during the times of slavery. I feel that pain now. I am not saying we should enslave African Americans, but I am saying that Lebron James would still be with us if this White man had more control over my assets.

So fear not Cleveland, for James is a Nazi woman who has been given too much freedom. What are we to do; there is a Black man in the Oval Office. And like Black coffee, he leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

I may get called racist for these comments, but that is just because the liberal media is trying to silence the White male, like Lebron James tried to destroy the city tonight. It is even possible, could it be, that Lebron James leaving for Miami is a left wing media ploy"?

(I would like to re-iterate that I am pretending to be Glenn Beck here, not myself. As I made clear earlier, I think the man is a complete crock of madness).

 

Nathan Heflick completed his Ph.D. in social psychology at The University of South Florida.

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