One of the blessings I have is the privilege of treating the medical students at the Miller School of Medicine. The transition from college student to physician presents many challenges along the way and may students avail themselves of the opportunity to see a psychiatrist for free. This is a program I would highly encourage other medical schools to consider. One of my students wanted to share her experience in treatment in the hopes that it would help others. Here is her story.
One year ago, I couldn't figure out why I was so unhappy. I was a 24-year old medical student - my world should've been full of unlimited potential. Yet I couldn't drive down the street without clenching my jaw and fists in inexplicable anger. I couldn't go out with friends at night and not see my lack of a romantic relationship as a total personal failure. I couldn't eat more than a bowl of oatmeal for dinner because I constantly felt sick to my stomach. At 5'6", I shrank to 110 pounds.
I wanted to scream at nothing in particular, only I didn't have enough energy to do that. When a psychologist said bluntly "it sounds like you're depressed," it honestly was a huge relief. At least I could call this awfulness something. I learned what depression was my first year in medical school - but I thought I was just in some "bad mood" that I could snap out of. But I couldn't, no matter how hard I tried. It was like a bad record playing over and over again in my head, negative thoughts about my adequacies constantly in my mind.
I next saw a psychiatrist. I knew what the recommendation would be - medication. While I now think back and smile, I was a nervous wreck. I had learned all about psychiatric drugs in school - how they worked, side effects, how they helped people recover, but what about ME? Was it going to change who I am? My thoughts, my intelligence, the indescribable whatever-it-is-that-is-me? Would I even notice a change if it happened? Luckily I had a roommate from college who had also suffered from depression. I called her immediately. "Oh no! It doesn't change who you are. It just helps you become yourself again." And I knew at that point that I had not been myself for quite some time. I was sick of how I was living. I decided to enroll in weekly psychotherapy and take daily Lexapro, an anti-depressant.
The next year was full of hard-fought introspection, self-analysis, great progress, and minor setbacks. It could best be described as this: imagine you buy a black and white TV, then it becomes a color TV, and then you finally realize what you're watching is HDTV with all the channels you want. That's how my days progressed. My appetite returned and soon I was a beautiful 130 pounds. And more importantly I saw myself as beautiful. I got through an extremely stressful year of clinical rotations in medical school as an excellent student. I also realized there was a wonderful man who had been in my life that whole time, but I never had realized how much I cared for him because of the cloud of depression. I also decided to be open with my medical history to my friends and classmates, and found a wealth of concern and support.
I've had quite a partnership with my Lexapro. I had a will to beat depression, and Lexapro had the way. I'm not a different person now than I was one year ago. I'm a better version, still working to my full potential. I wrote this in the hopes that there was at least one person who would read it and understand what I am talking about, and that it would help someone decide to commit themselves to realizing their full potential.