Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate
Our deepest fear is that we are
Powerful Beyond Measure
It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves:
Who am I to be brilliant?
Gorgeous?
Talented?
Fabulous?
Actually...
Who are you not to be?
You are a child of light
Your playing small does not serve the world
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking
So that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest the glory of light that is within us.
It's not just in some of us it's in EVERYONE.
And as we let our own light shine
We unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our fear
Our presence automatically liberates others.
--Marianne Williamson (Emphasis added)
This poem by Marianne Williamson has followed me all over the world. It is almost as if the further I run from it, the more persistent it becomes. My best friend sent it to me from Canada when I was in Australia studying my undergrad. In South Africa, while learning about the inspirational life of Nelson Mandela, it came again to me through his first speech as President of a free Nation. Most recently a classmate and friend at UPenn handed me a copy that he had in his office after I talked about its significance in my life.
I don't think that I am alone in struggling with how to be myself 100% of the time. I like to think that I am normal when I say that I am myself about 75% of the time. 18 hours out of the day, I am myself. But if I am only myself for 18 hours out of 24...who do I become for the other 6 hours?
I would like to tell you that those are the hours that I am sleeping, and even then I am still myself, but I am myself as a Rockstar or a Deep Sea Explorer. Unfortunately I would be lying to you and to myself if I told you that. The truth is I am still 'me' for those 6 hours...I am just not fully me. Those 6 hours are made up of the times when I censor myself for fear of how others would react. I have spent years rationalizing this behavior to myself.
"I'm just being polite"
"It's not the right time to tell them"
"They may change their mind about working with me...so best just to bite my tongue"
We all do this in certain instances. Sometimes it is required to avoid unnecessary conflict or confrontation, however more often than not by not being yourself you are doing actually doing harm to yourself, and coincidently the very people you are trying to 'protect'.
My MAPP cohort Stella Grizont recently shared her own "Ah-Ha!" moment about being true to herself with her blog "They're Not Made of Glass". Through Stella's ability to be herself, she helped to shatter the last obstacle that was standing in my way of becoming 100% me.
It's scary to be yourself. It is absolutely terrifying, you become at once the strongest you have ever been, and yet the most vulnerable. You open yourself up to a world of contentment and joy...but also sadness and rejection. You definitely risk big when you decide to put your true self out there on display. The good news is that it the payoffs are worth the risk.
When I was in South Africa myself and a fellow volunteer (Jason) drove from East London to Cape Town. Along the way we stopped at the Blaukrans Bungy. At 216 meters (approximately 709 feet) it is one of the highest commercial bungy jumps in the world. I had been to the bridge 7 years earlier with my Father and I chickened out. I couldn't bring myself to jump off that bridge with an elastic band tied to my ankles. The thought of it terrified me and made me feel physically ill. Interestingly the feeling that I had as I stood on that bridge with may Father was the same feeling that I get when I am not being 100% me. I walked away that day, and while I held some regrets I rationalized them away and went on with my trip. How similar is this to all those times that I walked away from a situation where I had the opportunity to be myself but didn't because of fear?
As I stood on the bridge this time I felt more confident. Confident...and terrified. Jason and I chatted nervously as we waited for them to call our names. My heart leapt into my throat as they called my name first.
First.
I didn't even get to watch others take the leap safely before I had to go.
This time I was the example for all others to follow. I looked at Jason and walked over to the precipice. Learning from Nelson Mandela and the multitude of other inspirational Leaders that I met during my time in Africa I was beginning to understand that they did not lack fear...they simply pushed through it. They didn't allow themselves to not do what needed to be done because of fear.
And so I opened my eyes wide and I jumped.
I felt as close to flying as a human being can. With nothing strapped to my back those few moments of free fall were the lightest I had ever felt.
I was soaring!
I think I needed to jump off that bridge and understand what it felt like physically to overcome a fear. To look it in the face with your eyes wide open and jump anyway. That night as Jason and I celebrated cheating death, I felt...free.
That bridge jump has become symbolic for me. I now have evidence of how incredible it feels to overcome fear. I can forever say that I had the courage to jump off that bridge. It may have taken me 7 years to build up that courage...but I did it.
To be honest the thought of being fully myself makes me feel like I am standing a top a 500m canyon. I'm terrified...but confident that I will survive the jump yet again. More then fear however I am excited. I can't wait to fly again.
When I was traveling in Australia during a break from school. I met a girl from Brazil in a hostel, and I shared with her 'my' poem. After she read it she looked at me with a huge sly grin and said;
"Is Me. What can I do?"
What can I do indeed?
