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As your friends and family look on, you look into your new spouse's eyes and see your loving gaze returned. The sun shines, the smiles radiate, and your heart wells up with joy. How wonderful to have found your life mate! You're certain you will love this person forever. Should you solemnly vow that you will do so? Read More
scary
this sounds scary, so how can the relationship be sustained with the presence of this uncertainty
That's what it's all about
It's the uncertainty in our lives that makes them so worth living, and likewise with relationships. Things like marriage vows and other vague committments are just attempts to provide a framework (i.e. boundaries) to the relationship. If people would only understand that we are beings that thrive on the uncertainties in life, then they wouldn't take such counter-productive approaches. When you remove the boundaries, the possibilities are endless!
So, you're suggesting that
So, you're suggesting that we all sign for Borderline Personality Disorder? Nice.
The Naughty Bride Only Promises to be Naughty
Nah, just kidding -- the Naughty Bride sez marriage is a spiritual practice. Vowing to love, honor and cherish in this context is done BECAUSE love is an action, honor is an action and cherish is an action. Notice no one promises permanent infatuatton, which is what the blog entry above is actually conflating with love-as-an-emotion.
But seriously, at The Naughty Bride's Secret Guide, www.naughtybrideguide.com, we really do vow only to be naughty -- that is, not to buckle under the pressure to be a Good Girl all the time, not to pretend we're perfect. In the sixty-plus years a marriage is meant to last, there's going to be a lot of water under the bridge, and a lot of intolerrable situations must be tolerated (like cold sheets, you warm them with your presence). The good news is, spiritual practice teaches you to be spiritual -- and spirited. Which isn't funny (we're a matrimonial humor site), but it is fun.
as long as there is growth
I feel marriage vows should stress a union based on mutual growth. People can vow to do all of those things that make it possible to grow together and increase the liklihood of lasting happiness, but if things go bad for whatever reason, a sign of true love is setting yourself and your partner free instead of holding back growth based on words spoken in an entirely different stage of the relationship. You can invest in growing together but still leave for the possibility of growing apart.Either way each person has the right and need to simply grow as a human being.
What's with the "you can't know how you'll feel in 30 years"
The wedding vows, and love as a whole, is a little more complex than just forecasting how you'll feel in thirty years. Using the example how people feel after breaking up is a terrible point of comparison.
It's true, people over-estimate how happy things will make them, like a new car, or a raise, or things like that. But marriage vows are an agreement to stick with the person. It's true, 30 years from now you may not like your spouse, but 31 years from now you might, and 32 years from now you might...
When you get married, you aren't forecasting how you feel--you are saying that you will love an honor the person until death do you part. If you can't commit to that, than you probably shouldn't be getting married. Marriage is a leap of faith. If you get so wrapped up in the uncertainty of whether you'll feel the way that you want to feel 25 years from now, then maybe marriage isn't the right choice
God doesn't do payroll
Being in a romantic relationship is like any hobbie: we do it because it makes us happy, gives us a sense of fulfillment and is recreational. Marriage brings to mind the plight of the casual journalist who looses his enthusiasm for writing once he has beeen hired by the Times and becomes "married" to the deadline. Everyone knows that once a beloved hobby becomes a job it just ain't fun anymore. Marriage is like going to work for something that you used to do for fun.
love is not an emotion
"Love is, after all, an emotion - and just like anger, despair, or euphoria, it can be insubordinate to our conscious wishes."
Love is not an emotion, it's an action:
Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7
Love is a choice to put the needs of another before your own desires. One of the biggest problems in this world is the selfish notion that the only thing that matters is YOUR feelings.
Love won't make a saint
Love, whether it is an emotion or not, leads to certain actions, which include showing kindness, affection and generosity toward the person at whom it is directed. Love can have undesireable effects as well though, including guilt, jelousy and fear. There is no "perfect" love.
But, you see, that was my
But, you see, that was my whole point.
Love doesn't lead to certain actions, like kindness and generosity to others. Love IS kindness and generosity to others. Love can't lead to jealousy, guilt or fear, it's not possible. Love is not a feeling, it's a choice, an action.
Attraction/desire can lead to actions of kindness, generosity, and the like. It can also lead to jealousy, guilt, and fear. But it is not love.
As for perfect love, who would want that in a spouse? You'd never be able to tell them they're wrong. ;-)
You are confusing love with
You are confusing love with compassion, but I won't try and stop you.
Oh Eli Finkel!!!
I'm guessing that you haven't been through the torrent and become aware of what Love really is. Once again proving to everyone that life experience and not brains is the real winner. Goodluck Eli---hope you find it!
Vows or no vows
I don't think you can promise to love someone forever. I think as you get to know another and the monsters come out of the woodwork, there will definitely be moments when you want to run. And this is the easiest option, which is why so many people choose it. I think the real challenge and most rewarding part of a relationship comes from facing those monsters head-on and working through the issues you bring out in each other. I think relationships are designed to mirror back to you your own unconscious aspects and to help you heal the things you didn't even know needed healing. I also think it is natural for any relationship's periods of closeness to wax and wane, and while you cannot promise that you will stay infatuated with your spouse forever, you CAN promise that you will stay and do the work no matter what. And that, to me, is real romance. Realistic and honest.
This article seems to ignore
This article seems to ignore the data about the difference long term relationships make in people's lives and about the complex interplay of choice in happiness in marriage. I believe I read that before no fault divorce people rated themselves happier in their marriages than they do now. As a clergy member I do not believe that the key ingredient in a lasting marriage is continuing to feel "in love". Many, many of the long term couples I know through being a part of their lives went through periods of time when they doubted they were in love, but they stayed together because of their commitment and found a deeper love on the other side of the doubt. I may sound like a religious conservative, but I am on the far side of liberal Protestant post-Christian, yet, I am distressed by our culture's over-emphasis on individual happiness. Sure, some marriages won't last. Some marriages make both partners miserable. Some marriages need to end because of violence. I am certainly not advocating a repeal of no fault divorce nor do I want to make anyone whose marriage ended feel guilty for that.
But, to give people the idea that promising "until death do us part" is hopelessly idealistic and that they should only stay as long as they feel "in love" caters to our individualistic sides and fails to encourage our ability to make deep commitments. I actually won't officiate at weddings that only promise "as long as love shall last". If you want something temporary--imho--don't get married.
You nailed it!
I am living a break-up after 5yrs of living together and an engagement of 9mos. I loved my fiancee like I never loved any woman before. My realization is that I loved her in spite of how much emotional bliss, physical shape, sex or or day-day issues we had. Before, I "loved" a hot girl, or someone I was infatuated with. The hotness, fun and the infatuation wear off eventualy and you are left with nothing. Love is unconditional and it does not see barriers. Love is to build something together with a romantic partner or, with anyone for that matter.
SOme of the responses here and much of today's psychology theories are heavily centered on the individual's wishes and needs. I question whether some of that may be perceived by most as the constant cry of "me, me ,me" that has become so dramatic in the last 10-15yrs. In my failed experiences I learned that to Love is to build a life with a partner that will be better than the life of one alone. I now see that I Loved her, in spite of whether she gained weight, or was not sexual enough, or was stressed out. The fact is that my relationship broke apart because I was ready to Love and to build more, whereas she was either not mature enough for that, or did simply not Love me.
Good Luck!
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