The Attraction Doctor

How persuasion research can help you get a date

How to Prevent Infidelity and Adultery

Preventing a partner or spouse from cheating can be a big concern in relationships. Often, however, the negative, controlling, or possessive behaviors that people use to stop infidelity just do not work. Find out what to do instead... Read More

Finding the time

What fascinates me is where people find the time to cheat on their partners.

Maybe it's because I run my own business that I'm too immersed to waste time on frivolities that I can't understand how adulterers manage. My wife tells me that if I had the sort of job that kept me away from home for days or end or involved attending lots of conferences then maybe temptation would come my way.


If you are in a loving and caring, sexually intimate relationship where you feel well loved your urge to stray will probably be decreased, regardless of whether you travel or not.

The need to be in an intimate connection is not frivolous (if you used that term then you are not in one and the probablility is low that you would not refer to intimacy as "frivolous") - ask anyone who has endured a long term sexless marriage where the rules of exclusivity are used as a club against you - where the spouse expects sexual fidelity all the while refusing to engage intimate wise.


Beyond its basic function for procreation, sex means different things to different people. Frivolous means have not having any serious purpose or value. It is nothing to do with intimacy. Intimacy is close familiarity or friendship.

Cheating on your partner is another way of cheating on yourself. Taking a short- cut to happiness is likely to result in long- term loneliness. The only way, at least as I see it, is to break free from the cause of unhappiness by transforming the cause into an opportunity for self-development.

As rhe saying goes, "If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they’re yours; if they don’t they never were."

To endure a long-term sexless marriage is to acquisence to power-games which is a different thing entirely. My question was about how do people that cheat find the time?


They find the time to "cheat" because it becomes a priority. If the activity becomes a priority then it might not be frivolous.

When something is a priority (whether it be work, a hobby, exercise, cheating or anything else) they find the time. How many times has someone said they cannot find the time to do X activity? Yet engage in other activities that require huge amounts of time.

So, to answer the question of how do they find the time: For those with whom want to cheat, the activity becomes more important than participating in other activities, thus, they find the time.

Great article. Speaking from

Great article. Speaking from a male perspective. I think most men feel that they cheat because they feel that they are getting what they need or a false sense of what they need from another person. The number one thing that a man need in a relationship is "honor and respect." Trying to control or manipulate is a form of dishonor and disrespect. Could it be that men will go to a strip club to pay for a lap dance or are they paying for Honor and Respect from that woman?

I know a guy that has been married for over 15 years. He said at work a woman that worked with him said, to him, " I am here for you, I'll will support you." He told me that it was like music to his ears and he felt such a strong pull on him for that woman. Would not have been a strong pull on him, if he felt like he was getting this type of honor from his spouse.

The critical flaw

"Could it be that men will go to a strip club to pay for a lab dance or are they paying for honor and respect from that woman?"

First of all honor and respect CANNOT BE BOUGHT.

Second of all, I have known quite a few strippers, personally, and they hold about as much honor or respect for their payees, as a man who brags about his physical ability to "take what he wants" from a woman. Their job is to take (money) with physical prowess. And nothing else. HONOR and RESPECT are NEVER brought up.

THEY sure ruined my "poor little girl with daddy issues, or working to pay her way through college. Sniff sniff." In fact OBLITERATED it. Rife with narcissicm and sociopathic tendencies, and an absolute mantra of misandry.

I like men. I love men. I offer honor and respect to any man who earns it. But I feel it is pathetic these places are so frequently elevated as some sort of haven for men. I wish to this day I would have fattened a few of their lips for their hatefulness, disdain and outright cruelty to some of their patrons who--as you say, may have just had hopes for honor and respect.



I feel proud for those person who can't cheat their partners but somehow, I understand some people who did the infidelity, adultery or simply the cheating. As for me, it is a case to case basis. There are lots of reasons on why people cheats to their partner. Some are acceptable, some are unacceptable. Think concealed cash in your marriage could possibly be a sign that your spouse is having an affair? Watch for these indications and open the lines of communication. Learn more about cheating.

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Jeremy Nicholson, M.S.W., Ph.D., is a doctor of social and personality psychology, with a focus on influence, persuasion, and dating.


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