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Condemning is easy; fixing is hard.
If Anthony Weiner and Huma Abedin came to my office this is what I'd do: First, I'd listen closely as they talked about how their marriage had been shattered by Mr. Weiner's forays into salacious photographs and suggestive texts. Perhaps Ms. Abedin would express shock and betrayal, rage and sorrow. Mr. Weiner might talk about his guilt and shame. And the way the press was on a witch-hunt.
After conveying my sadness for their misery, I might tell them that in my clinical experience I've seen relationships where one partner has deeply betrayed another fall apart, and others be repaired. I'd ask them if they wanted to remain married. If Ms. Abedin said "It's over," Mr. Weiner might be disoriented, crestfallen, and even desperate.
"I think there are two kinds of "It's over," I'd say to Ms. Abedin. "In the first, it is over -- one or both people have given up on the relationship and nothing can be done to save it. All bridges to reconciliation have been burned and hopelessness sabotages any wish to preserve the relationship."
"But there's a second kind of ‘It's over.' The person who says ‘it's over' doesn't want it to be, but is so afraid of getting burned again that hopelessness is a preemptive strike against letting one's guard down, trying again, and being devastated."
I'd watch Ms. Abedin's reaction.
"Which is it?" Mr. Weiner might ask.
"The second," she might reply.
Then I would ask if they wanted to work on saving their relationship. A natural response would be recriminations and pessimism. But I'd remind them "I asked if you wanted to work on it -- not if you were optimistic. You were violated at an especially vulnerable time in your life. You have little reason to have any hope."
If Mr. Weiner and Ms Abedin were committed to working on their marriage, I'd explain that four things are necessary. The most important job in Mr. Weiner's universe would be to repair the shattered trust. He would have to show his wife through his genuine remorse and subsequent actions that he deeply regretted devastating and betraying her, and that he would do whatever was humanly possible to salvage their relationship.
In my clinical experience Mr. Weiner's second task might be more difficult. When Ms. Abedin mistrusted or felt rage toward him -- and that could happen for a longer time than he was able to tolerate -- he would have to empathize with her feelings without withdrawing or expressing impatience or even contempt. There is no statute of limitations on trauma and grief, and Ms. Abedin would need all the time it took for her heart to heal. She would also need to see if she could open up to her husband again.
Thirdly, Mr. Weiner would have to struggle to understand why he did what he did. That's the best protection against his ever betraying his wife again. Despite his intelligence and courage, this might be the most difficult task he ever faced. "We have to get to the bottom of this," Mr. Weiner said numerous times when he was still claiming that his Twitter account had been hacked. "I don't know what I was thinking," he said after admitting that he'd sent the incriminating photos. "If you are looking for some sort of deep explanation for it, I simply don't have one."
I believe him. So Mr. Weiner would have to search deep within himself in a way he might never have before -- and his work as a politician didn't encourage -- and examine his unconscious motivations. With the help of a therapist he would need to plumb the depths of his feelings and self-protective strategies, especially the subconscious and disturbing ones. He would have to answer questions that were harder than any reporter had ever asked him like: Right before he began sexting what was he feeling in general and toward his wife? What was he expressing by his virtual dalliances? Were they a substitute for something vital in his life that was missing? Was he trying to be less invisible and more admired? Was he punishing his wife? Scared about being a father? Was he sabotaging himself and doing private penance for a prior imagined crime? Was he rebelling against the public persona that brought him success and admiration, but made him feel alienated from some more genuine calling?
In other words, to save his marriage he'd need to understand himself in a fundamentally deeper way.
The final -- and by no means easiest -- task would be up to Ms. Abedin. If Mr. Weiner demonstrated sincere regret and self-understanding, she would need to forgive him and let him back into her life and heart. Even after this emotionally complex and sometimes painful process of healing had occurred, many people would be terrified of risking more betrayal and torment.
None of us know what is best for Ms. Abedin and Mr. Weiner or whether they will remain together. I hope they avoid the trap that many people in similar situations fall into -- focusing more on trying to weather the media storm, instead of deepening self-understanding and healing their marriage.
