The Antidepressant Diet

Food is my favorite subject and I wrote a long response to an article on ABC news just yesterday about the same thing; food and our social lives. As a recovered anorexic I was forced to become aware of just how often we get hammered with having to make a decision about food. Now that I eat food I am at constant odds with the numbers game that I will always play (because of my disorder, it gets better the older I get..) regarding just how many calories I get to eat in order to stay at my happy weight and maintain a positive outlook (we're called 'skinny bitches' for a reason, yes? hahaha).
The measured, portioned, controlled, aware, mindful, vigillent aspect of eating is what actually saved my life when I was 82 and growing fur and about to die. I used ayurvedic methods to re-teach myself how to eat (hatha yoga, and herbs and whole foods and the whole thing...good stuff) So then comes real life and my desire to be a part of it..and buffets, and holidays and donuts at meetings...my wonderful nutritionist and I part ways so I can do life without training wheels...What's my point? That healthy eating is not that far away from anorexic eating; healthy eating just dictates that you are allowed to weigh 38 pounds more than you used to weigh and eat 3-7 hundred more calories than you used to eat. I still work out most days of the week. I still watch and account for everything I eat. I still read labels compulsively and eat 'clean'. The only difference is I quit smoking and I traded the pink stuff for stevia.
The measured controlled portioned aware and mindful aspect of eating has been bumming me out lately..big time. I've been going against the grain for years. I count dollars, pounds, cents, calories, taxes, carbs, ounces, gains and losses in the same section of my brain. An item of food that I am going to purchase has to literally be worth the calories. I have been known to cry over imperfectly prepared salmon and iceberg lettuce. The foods that I associate with events are not readily available and the foods that everyone else eats at those events are mostly, foods I have never eaten in my life (but am sometimes deleriously curious about; like a steak n cheese...I used to own 2 pizza shops and cut and wrap these vessels of melted cheese and carbs and steak and yet I have never tasted what I imagine is murderous bliss...that it would give my cold, empty, acidic filled stomach the heavy and warm fullness that I cannot imagine but that I sometimes dream about)
It's sad how much planning I have to do to participate in life since eating must happen and most places don't offer foods I would (nor should anyone else) consider eating...like cotton candy, frozen pizza, meat of any kind, fried foods, processed foods, whole milk dairy, iceberg lettuce, 'dead' food, boxed food, food covered in gravy, butter, oil, fat, dressings and chemicals...stale bread, butter with fruit bits in it, limp or wilted vegetables...I dream about vegan fast food or someday ebing rich enough to afford my own vegan chef so I can pay someone to do all of the thinking and counting for me (dollars and calories and pounds, not to mention ethics)...it's exhausting....so much so that sometimes I'd rather just eat my boring salad and egg whites and stay home because having to plan my food to such an extent ruins the point of the trip. It's hard to be spontaneous when it comes to weight maintenence...
I have done work in shifting how I think about food (today isn't a good food day, obviously)...but in general I've learned to basically ignore 89% of the social invitations to eat...on days like today I wish the rest of the world would catch up...I wish sexualized food commercials would be banned the way cigarette commercials have been banned...but really I wished to stay in the place where food is not the whole focus of my life...where I can enjoy things and feel good and happy and it has nothing to do with food (but guess what? I do that and then I relax and life becomes more important than food and I forget to such hyper-attention and I either lose too much weight or gain 3 pounds and find myself, as I am now, scrambling to 'fix' it which then makes the previous months of happiness cause me to feel foolish, excessive, sloppy, defeated or punished for having fun...I feel the exact same way when I spend money on myself..dollars, pounds, calories, sense.....my market just crashed. You get the picture.)

Thank you so much for showing all of us how complex making food choices can be. You obviously have worked out the 'rules' of food choice that work for you and though they cause you to avoid most foods at social events, your wisdom about what to eat and avoid has allowed you to enjoy the social aspects of these events without putting food you don't want to eat in your stomach In some way you are like anyone adhering to a strict number of food choice rules because of religious beliefs. I have been with Orthodox Jews who won't eat anything at an event or while everyone else is chewing on filet mignon, will eat a baked potato wrapped in two layers of foil when baked so as not to come in touch with any non -kosher utensils or oven racks. I also have a relative with celiac disease who must question every dish prepared in a restaurant to make sure it is gluten free. I think this is a good thing in a way because it make eating simply something that nourishes our bodies and puts the emphasis on the social interactions that nourish our emotions, our souls if you will. I love what you say about life being more important than what you are eating. Absolutely