The 99th Monkey

A friend of mine was speaking to me today about an ancient relationship, and commented, "That was during my food-throwing years." I asked for further details. "Melons. I specialized in melons." "Canteloupe?" "Honeydew." "Are we talking the whole melon, or little melon balls?" "The whole melon; I'd usually crack it over their heads." Read More

“Shootin’ the blues away” was the subject line. The email was from D., a new acquaintance I met at an art opening a few months ago, a 70+ writer guy with Parkinson’s. The content of D.'s email was a single line: "Would you like to go out in the woods and shoot some beer bottles with a .22 single action six-shooter?" Read More

I don't usually get headaches. (Photo to the left is not me.) So when I woke up at 4 a.m. for the third consecutive day with a splitting pain in the back of my skull, I drew the logical conclusion: terminal brain tumor. Read More

It was 1997. I was visiting the Neem Karoli Baba ashram in Vrindaban, India, when I learned that my old friend and spiritual teacher, Ram Dass, had had a major, possibly life-threatening stroke. How strange to hear such news in that particular place? Read More

The foot guy at the Hospital for Special Surgery in New York told me I had no cartilage in my big toes, and I only had two choices: surgery to fuse the bones, or be in pain when I walk. The surgery requires ten weeks recovery time per toe, most of it lying down. Read More

Things I did to prepare to be guest teacher at a writing class: Dug up old handouts from the desk drawer in my studio out back where I haven't set foot in months. I look around, notice how disgusting the studio is, the floor covered with dead stinkbugs. I get the portable dustbuster down from the storage loft, begin vacuuming, Read More

The feminists have had their say over the years, and most men got the message: It's not okay to objectify females, to speak to them as if there is a microphone nestled between their breasts, or to act as if young women in miniskirts and revealing halter tops are the least bit interesting to us unless they also happen to be carrying a copy of Goethe's Faust. Read More

I finally figured out why I'm not enlightened. Over 30 years ago, when I had just made the proverbial first step on a "journey of a thousand miles" I heard the following well-known tale: A man approaches a Zen Master and asks to be shown the path to enlightenment. The Master replies, "Okay, follow me," stands up, and walks the man to a nearby river and into the water. Without warning, the Master forces the man's head under the water and holds it there as he struggles violently for his life, until he is nearly dead. At last the Master pulls the man up, gasping for air, and says, "When you want to be enlightened as badly as you wanted to take your next breath just now, come back and see me." Read More

"We're looking at how to push users into passive-consumption mode, a lean-back experience." --Jamie Davidson, YouTube product manager, reported in the Sunday Times Business section, May 30, 2010. Read More

Some years ago I was having dinner with my girlfriend, Liz; among other items on my plate was a heaping mound of mashed potatoes. When Liz noticed I had finished eating all of my potatoes, she instantly ladled another scoop onto my plate, without asking. She had done this before, and I felt I needed to say something: Read More

My Dad's stroke left him only slightly impaired in his hand and right leg—his driving leg, thankfully, because one of the early signs of his stroke was finding himself driving on the curb one day, thinking something was wrong with the car rather than his neural pathways.

"As he was about to mow down several pedestrians on the sidewalk, it occurred to our father that perhaps the problem wasn't actually with the Lexus." Read More

My friend Randy simply can't believe the kinds of things people will pay for, and keeps insisting that the two of us could easily create a religion with him as the charismatic leader and make a ton of money. He has already begun working on his fundamental teaching concerning the distinction between what he is calling "The Vertical Path" and "The Path Upward," and which one will cost more. Read More

I almost killed an old lady the other day.  I have been volunteering at a nursing home for two years to visit with Suzanne, a 96-year-old woman who, despite being blind and crippled, was one of the most lucid, cultured and intelligent people on her unit, staff included. Read More

When Thoreau was on his deathbed, his aunt asked him if he had made his peace with God, and he responded, "I was not aware that we had quarreled." Someone else once said—I don't recall the source—that "The most salient characteristic of an enlightened being is not what one might think—having great wisdom, emanating love, and so forth—but rather, that they are completely relaxed." Read More