1. Stop stalking dude I did/didn’t hook up with two years ago who never answered my text. Stop worrying that Facebook will add feature identifying stalkers like me.
2. Remind friends not to share details of ex’s newsfeed and Instagrams of petite blonde. I defriended him for a reason.
3. No more drunken texts in 2013. I am getting too old. Maybe get designated driver for cell after bar’s last call.
4. Accept lack of facial hair as life defining. Have courage to admit I will never be a hipster. Make peace with being banned from Brooklyn. Memorize Serenity Prayer.
5. Stop Looking for Christian Grey. Accept fact that helicopters and penthouses are hot in real life and whips not so much. Make the decision what to shave/wax mine in 2013.
6. Tear up list of Rich and Famous People who Lived at Home Until They were Twenty-Eight and photo of Lena Dunham. Save money and move out.
7. Find Twelve-Step Program for FOMO. Ditto YOLO. Maybe even LOL. Time to move on.
8. Get real about OKCupid and other dating sites. Everyone, including me, becomes a lying narcissist or a lunatic the minute they sign up. Focus on the positives of being single.
9. Change Facebook status to “Undetermined.” Maybe 2013 will be better.
10. Take mini vacay from people who post all those happy Instagrams and spend their lives on Gchat writing that life is soooo great. Surround self with friends more likely to use FML often to boost self-esteem. Memorize Serenity Prayer.
11. Recognize that the cute older dude at the bar has his left hand in his pocket for a reason before he buys me a drink and opens his lying mouth.
12. Give up blonde/brunette divas until February 1. Embrace my inner geek. Memorize Serenity Prayer.
14. Swear off articles about the end of men and all these dudes living in their parents’ basements and creepsters in women’s lives. Make pledge not to read Lena Dunham’s dating book because, while she’s funny, she’s also single. Tape Serenity Prayer to fridge and make peace with my thighs.
15. Stop analyzing texts for meaning, emotion, or anything else. They’re texts, after all. Get over it.
Bonus resolution Number 16: Embrace my digital addiction. I’m a Millennial, after all.
NOTE: No Millennials were harmed or harassed during the writing of this blog post.