Tame Your Terrible Office Tyrant

Will I Be Part of “Gen U,” the Generation Unretired?

Lynn Taylor — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 08:16:02 +0000

Many of us grew up with a stereotypical life plan: I'll go to school, college, get a job, get married, have a family, get a home, and maybe even have a white picket fence and a dog. “Then magically, at 65, I will retire and can finally relax.”

Some of these notions have faded into oblivion - in fact, “retirement” has been virtually redefined.

We have reached a critical mass in which Baby Boomers now say they do not plan to retire. Retirees are applying for jobs, either out of economic necessity or the realization that it’s not “greener” on the golf course or tennis court. These individuals comprise what I call “Gen U,” or Generation Unretired, and many of us are headed in that direction.

The Signs

If, during the dotcom boom, you were certain that you could eventually live in utopian, financial freedom-style retirement at 50, that hope has likely been severely dashed – especially given the worst postwar recession.

Perhaps you tried a sabbatical or mini-retirement if you were lucky enough to time it right. But then you found yourself magnetized back to work all over again. This is a microcosm of what the Gen U evolution is about.

In the coming months or years you may be seeing your grandparents or parents return to work, if you haven’t already. They may be taking on jobs that you would have never imagined, or staying on at work. You may notice that time spent with you, or your family, is in shorter supply.

You may develop an unexpected bond with an aunt, uncle or older friend who talks with you about the unheard of: the latest strategic initiative – or even "terrible office tyrant" (TOT) boss encounters.

This Shift Can Be Great

If this seems like a bad dream, think again. While many of Gen Uers have had their nest eggs and homes decimated during the recession, not all of them are scouring job boards for financial reasons.

A number of people I counsel either have a desire to remain active, contribute, build something again, have social contacts, mentor junior staff, or just give back.

What About My Long-Term Dream?

If this smacks of a “back to school” feeling after finally graduating from college, you may want to rethink that perspective, too. Stress from boredom or a lack of sociability can also be overwhelming. Another quick analogy to help you see what others are valuing follows.

A person taking adult education courses while in the workforce often has a different outlook on learning than does a college freshman. There’s greater appreciation for the insights gained because the more mature student often has a more focused, deeper thirst for knowledge.

Similarly, someone returning to the office with a career full of experience, can more easily leave the enjoyment of worklife in, and a lot of the pettiness out. With age, comes wisdom that allows one to see the forest for the trees. Imagine that.

Often the work is part-time or even consulting oriented, so that seemingly elusive balance is available, leaving open a sense of joy at work. Imagine that.

This is not to say that all people will work to the grave. But the numbers are astounding, and certainly illustrate a shift.

Staggering Statistics

Not yet convinced of the Gen U evolution? Take a look at some statistics:

1) 93% of the growth in the American labor market from now until 2016 will be from workers 55 and older [because] new estimates show the average retired couple may need more than $300,000 in savings to live comfortably and pay off late-life health care costs. [Based on a recent study by the Pew Research Center].

2) Only 20% of retirees now feel very confident they have enough money to live comfortably throughout their retirement, down from 41% in 2007. [Employee Benefit Research Institute research].

3) Eight out of 10 baby boomers say that they plan to work at least part time after they reach official retirement age, according to the AARP.

4) 36% of those 56 or older are still working – more than ever. That’s more than twice as many as in 1984 [2007 Bureau of Labor Statistics report].

5) 9.5 million Americans are considering at least a partial return to the workforce because of the economic downturn, according to a recent study by Charles Schwab.

Other Interesting Facts

1)    According to the Social Security Administration, if you are of full retirement age, the government will give you your full Social Security benefits no matter how much money you earn. (Note: If you return to work after you’re receiving Social Security benefits, but are not yet of “full retirement age” - usually 66 years of age - the government will deduct one dollar from your Social Security benefits for every two dollars you earn over $14,160 a year.)

2)    Baby Boomers are earning online degrees in record numbers to train for unretirement [http://www.allonlineschools.com/online-education-resource-center/adults-online-learning]

3)    Generational demographics: there are:

•    80 million baby boomers
•    46 million Generation Xers
•    78 million millennials (Gen Y)

So, is the glass half full or half empty? Ask an unretired returnee to the workforce. You’ll get a "Gen-U-ine" response that might surprise you.

Are Emotions Driving You at Work?

Lynn Taylor — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 16:25:18 +0000

Ever wonder how much time you spend at the office on emotional issues? It's easy to let emotions drive what you do - or drive you to distraction. They are often triggered by those around you - and can create a logjam between you and the work at hand. A simple task takes much longer due to wasted energy.

A manager's unexpected barb, a co-worker taking credit for your project, or even something you said that you later regret are common examples.

Just because we're sitting in an ergonomic chair versus a comfy TV room couch doesn't change the fact that we're human, dealing with human sensitivities, instincts, egos, hopes and fears.

Our research consistently shows that emotional issues, particularly those that relate to what your boss says and does, eat up an enormous amount of time. You might try to immediately quash these feelings, but if you're analytical or are blessed with human sensitivity, you may also "replay" the event for yourself (or others) until you can understand it, or know how to gain control over it for the next time the pattern re-emerges.

It Is Not You

Here's what you need to know: You are not alone. Toxic people at work are emotionally draining and can be paralyzing to your work. The key is to be able to spot them and recognize the situation for what it is, rather than try to force yourself to ignore the behavior, or imagine it does not exist.

Oftentimes, employers and workers in general could use more interpersonal training, especially as they reach managerial levels. Much more needs to be done to humanize the workplace, and doing so will definitely reap big rewards in productivity. Even the simple courtesies and etiquette that we were taught in grade school need to be dusted off and reapplied in the workplace.

Now I have some great news. You can turn the tables, immediately.

Turning the Tide

If there's something in it for the other person, you can usually effect change. If they seem unchangeable, you can distance yourself and recognize that the toxic person is who he is. Above all, remember, this is your career: you get to make your own choices on how you manage your life!

Here are some tips to consider in channeling your emotions in the office:

1. Oftentimes toxic people, especially bad or childish bosses behave similarly to many. They may have been modeled this behavior in the past, and it got results. This why you see a corporate mass exodus at times, or a reputation develop about a manager. Check in with other trustworthy co-workers to see if they're experiencing similar behavior.

2. This is NOT your imagination; so don't waste a moment self-guessing whether it's real or not.

3. Channel these emotional energies into becoming a "parent" - assume that these people have not developed interpersonal skills, regardless of their intellectual skill level. IQ is not the same as Emotional IQ!

4. Don't patronize, but let your strategic "parenting" empower you to role model good behavior.

5. Allow yourself to become more assertive and, if need be, serious with those who need to "get the message" that you mean business. Don't resist having a professional, assertive heart-to-heart talk with those who go beyond your boundaries.

6. If all else fails, find an ally (or allies) in the company to support you in speaking to more senior level managers.

7. Sometimes the best support you will find is your own when it comes to dealing with personality or "chemistry" issues, especially if you only occasionally interface with these people. It's often best to keep your distance in these situations.

8. There are some who find it a challenge to engage in petty sandbox politics or rumor-mongering. Let them waste that energy with others, soon finding that you're not "signing up" - regardless of their seniority.

Write it Down for Clarity

If emotions are driving your actions, you may also make decisions you later regret. The old adage of "counting to ten" before reacting, does hold merit. Consider writing a short note you do not ultimately send. It can help you answer such reflective questions as: "What do I hope to achieve by sending this?" and/or "If I were its recipient, is it really productive or emotionally-based?" You don't want to be caught playing the same game as a "Terrible Office Tyrant (TOT)" or grown child in the workplace. You want to rise above and stop the cycle - for your own good.

If, however, you must work with a person regularly at work, you might just glean a business-like paragraph from the unsent memo, such as: "I'd like to suggest a weekly meeting to ensure that our projects run more smoothly. Is there a good slot during the week?" Then you'll at least create an open line of communications, and it will serve as a preventive measure.

Now, try letting your savvy job skills drive you. Watch your success unleash its true potential.

Why Are Boss Egos Expanding? Study Explains

Lynn Taylor — Sat, 10 Oct 2009 04:24:33 +0000

Whether the boss news of 2009 has been sexual harassment, workplace bullying or "boss-napping" in France, bad boss behavior seems to be pandemic or at least a weekly topic of discussion of late. And now, a new survey reveals that self-oriented bosses are more prevalent than ever.

The five-year, national comparative study compared bad, childish boss traits, including Stubborn, Self-oriented, Overly demanding, Impulsive, Interruptive and Tantrum-throwing behaviors between 2004 to 2009, and found that "Self-oriented" spiked by 50 percent to the top spot over that period. In the same overall study conducted by a global research firm, seven in 10 Americans said "bosses and toddlers with too much power act alike."

The trait analysis portion, which compared toddler and boss behaviors, found that "Self-oriented" behavior swapped places with "Stubborn" from 2004. "Overly demanding" and "Interruptive" traits also jumped from 2004 to 2009. As a matter of fact, the survey revealed increases of up to 50 percent for every childish trait tracked over the five-year period.

A Closer Look

In stressful times, such as a recession or a frenzied work pace, childish, bad boss behaviors are exacerbated. And because of the fear of reprisal, employees are unsure of how to handle the situation to alter bad boss behavior. Two studies support this:

• In a survey we commissioned among 1002 adults, 86% of Americans felt that too often, bad boss behaviors go under the radar until it's too late, affecting too many people, similar to bailed out firms.

• In an earlier study, 70% of workers said they believe that employees must be careful when managing up with bosses, or they could lose their jobs.

Clearly, there is a heap of work to be done in corporate America. And everyone can play a part to mitigate the problem - both employers and employees.

The good news is that employees can take proactive, empowering steps to manage bosses who, unwittingly or not, slip into egotistical modes.

But first, a caveat. If you're experiencing egregious behaviors such as workplace bullying or sexual harassment, you must take serious action. Most ethical firms will not tolerate it once they're made aware of it.

Our research indicates, however, that many "bad boss behaviors," and those among co-workers as well, fall into the grey area - specifically, childish behavior. They happen in such forms of barbs and juvenile office politics that are self serving. They're based in core human behavior found outside the workplace: fear, anger, control, need for acceptance, praise, and so on. In the office, selfish actions are wasteful to employee productivity and the bottom line.

Some bosses even act like this unknowingly, which actually leaves open fertile territory for you - to show them the way. So assuming that your boss is of the "tameable" variety, try some of these suggestions:

Ego Taming Tips

• Praise unselfish behavior demonstrated by your boss - Positive reinforcement of good behavior works. Encourage selflessness at every chance. If your boss takes even the slightest step in refocusing toward you, toward others on your team or in your office, praise it lavishly.

• Model good teamwork - Show that no one person can carry the entire office. Demonstrate through your words and actions how to cooperate by giving others credit when it's due. Praise others for their teamwork.

• Find ways to make your needs known - Give your boss plenty of advance warning that you have other tasks that need your attention - diplomatically. Don't provoke your boss, think "educate" your manager, without being patronizing.

• Help your boss understand the effects of selfish actions - When your manager takes self centered actions that have negative consequences for you, the team or your working relationship, point it out in a non-threatening, non-emotional way.

If, after giving it your best shot, you find that your boss (or Terrible Office Tyrant, a.k.a TOT), can't refrain from self-absorption, and you've tried every possible option, then look elsewhere. Your peace of mind and health always comes first. But if your boss is self-centered within tolerable bounds, take steps for change...now. You'll gain invaluable, transferable skills that will help you thrive in your job ...and career.

Distracted Boss? Break the Attention Gap!

Lynn Taylor — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 05:14:10 +0000

Your boss was about to give you a new assignment, but took "just a sec" to dust off her keyboard, finish a call, send an e-mail, and monitor a couple stock quotes. Then she asks, "Did you say something?" while staring blankly as if she's forgotten your name. In fact, you, too, are clueless, as she never did say what your assignment really was.

Is this just multi-tasking on steroids, or are you on the lower rung of the "to do" list? Most likely, bosses like this are suffering from work overload, unable to strategize and prioritize. When your Terrible Office Tyrant (TOT), a.k.a. bad or childish boss, has the attention span of a fly, you endure unnecessary stress, and decreased productivity - not helping you, your boss, or the company.

According to recent research, your boss's short attention span may indeed be aggravated by multitasking. Researchers at Stanford University have found that people with many distractions, i.e., from multiple streams of electronic information - have more memory problems than those who don't. Multi-taskers have more difficulty paying attention, and much to the surprise of the researchers, trouble switching from one task to another, the study says.

What You Can Do

Like a child whipping wildly on playground swings, your boss's mind can jump from one point to another, but never really be still long enough to concentrate on one matter at a time with full attention. Short of pulling the plug on your TOT's surge protector or from his MP3-playing podcast (not recommended!), there are other ways to draw your boss's attention back to the matter at hand.

What works with small children you are minding, overwhelmed with the world's possibilities - can also work with your esteemed, but often overwhelmed boss, who's supposed to be "in charge" and alert. This is not meant to be patronizing, but you can help your boss manage you. These are transferable, empowering skills at any level that can boost your "career currency" and value:

• The main task at hand is to help distracted managers regain focus. Rather than stand around waiting for your boss to concentrate, plan a preemptive strike. E-mail a draft of mutual goals for your meeting in advance, and request a response. Follow up with an agenda: late in the afternoon a day in advance, and first thing in the morning that day. Then during the meeting, make sure your Terrible Office Tyrant (TOT) has a printed copy, and stays on point.

• Keep meetings with your boss as short as humanly possible. Time can run astray with a distracted TOT, so it's up to you to bring the discussion back to the original agenda. An effective way to do that is with a "bridge," such as "That brings up an interesting point about X," or "that reminds be of a key topic we have today on Y."

• If the distraction is driving you to distraction, e.g., you find yourself doodling "endlessly" on a notepad while your TOT becomes a serial call-taker, leave a brief, polite note that you need to leave, such as "Client call in 2 minutes, call u later."

• Another way to keep his attention longer is to be more engaging in your presentation. You don't have to hire a juggler or clown - but you don't have to be serious and dry, either. Oftentimes, employees feel they must follow the demeanor or personality of their TOT, when in fact a very serious or shy boss might appreciate some lightheartedness (just choose your timing wisely). In your meetings, be concise, because you never know when the next interruption will occur; use attention-getting graphics, lots of energy (which is contagious); and make it interactive, if possible tying at least your opener to matters of interest to your TOT.

• If your meeting involves multiple people, ask participants to please turn off their cell phones. If you've called the conference that your boss is attending, you still must take control. State its purpose and if it wanders due to others, pull it back on track with such phrases as, "That's a great idea for open items at the end of today's agenda." By that time, most are too tired either to address or remember it. At best, they'll ask to re-schedule a meeting on it.

• Incentives work well with humans of every age and in any venue; everyone likes a reward. Your boss would probably like some time alone for multitasking at will. Offer, "If I could have five minutes of your time right now, I won't need to touch base again until next week."

• Hold meetings away from your boss's office, where possible, so that your TOT will be less distracted from people, electronics and other interruptions. Having candies or snacks available in your office is always a draw for anyone to meet in your more controlled domain.

When you have a distracted, inundated boss you can be the "parent" and have your TOT saying, "That was something!" not, "Did you say something?"

Why Bad Bosses Act like Toddlers

Lynn Taylor — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 19:03:24 +0000

Behavioral problems seem to be running rampant in the office today. When conflicts arise, it can seem as if bad bosses missed Social Skills 101 - reverting to the unruly actions of toddlerhood in a nano-second!

Tirades, neediness, whining and stubborn behavior are all telltale signs of a Terrible Office Tyrant or TOT. They are managers who have trouble modulating their power when under stress - or are just in over their heads unsure of their next wobbly baby step! Unfortunately, exasperated employees cannot reach into their credenzas for a bowl of colorful pacifiers to distribute.

What does makes an otherwise rational adult regress to a TOT?

In my firm's research into the psychodynamics of the workplace, we commissioned independent national studies of thousands of people and conducted hundreds of in-person interviews, including discussions with psychologists and psychiatrists. We found that, in many cases, difficult bosses return to their misbehaving "inner toddler" to handle unwieldy pressures - displaying many of the same outward signs. If you can uncover the underlying reasons for your boss's less than stellar management style, then you can also develop the formula for redirecting your TOT's behavior to the positive.

Here are the 20 core, parallel traits between bad bosses (TOTs) and toddlers, and they fall into two categories: Bratty and Little Lost Lambs.

Bratty Behavior

These are the more aggressive traits that are typically activated when your TOT is operating under stress, has been taught that this behavior will achieve self-serving results, or your boss is fearful of an impending outcome:

1.   Bragging 
2.   Bullying 
3.   Demanding 
4.   Ignoring 
5.   Impulsiveness 
6.   Lying 
7.   Self-Centeredness 
8.   Stubbornness 
9.   Tantrums 
10. Territorialism 
11. Whining

Little Lost Lambs

These traits are often born out of incompetence or general fear of inadequacy. While they seem benign, these boss behaviors can be just as irritating - and equally as unproductive in the workplace.

12. Endless Questioning 
13. Fantasy World 
14. Fickleness 
15. Helplessness 
16. Irrational Fears 
17. Forgetfulness 
18. Mood Swings 
19. Neediness 
20. Short Attention Spans

Although there are lots of office horror stories about each of these 20 traits, the meltdown variety is by far the most familiar. It seems strange that a fully-grown adult can get so rattled that he or she can almost be seen ...shaking a rattle!

Most tantrums don't involve objects being thrown across the room. They're more polished and subversive, but nonetheless hurtful and distracting.

Why does the boss do this? Because sometimes TOTs and toddlers cannot assert their power and independence. The TOT and tyke occasionally find that their ability to master the world is limited, as it is with most mortal beings. This revelation, on top of their inability to communicate clearly in the moment, makes them frustrated and furious. The tantrum-throwing boss often feels trapped or needs your attention: "Mommy, Daddy, look at what happened! Waaaaah!" He may be angry about something not even related to you. He often doesn't realize he is acting like a child. (P.S. We can all fall prey to a TOT moment, because "to TOT is human." We just have to keep it in check.)

In fact, both TOTs and toddlers have little sense of their impact on others. They have few inhibitions, an inability to soothe themselves, and limited awareness that they're even erupting into an infantile rage. Often, within minutes or hours, they can forget it ever happened! Always remember that behind your boss's emotional crash, there is really a toddler trapped inside who wants your time and attention. So always have a "pacifier" ready, such as: "That will be the first thing on my ‘to do' list tomorrow."

Each day, you have the opportunity to proactively manage the "toddlers" in your office by using humor, common sense, rational thinking, and by setting limits to bad behavior. If you choose not to learn effective coping techniques, then you will be an emotional punching bag for your boss (and/or co-workers).

You can reinforce the positive and discourage the negative because YOU have leverage: your skills and contributions. You are the parent with the proverbial cookie jar when it comes to managing a TOT. By adopting a positive, professional approach at work, you will contribute to your own career advancement with transferable skills, while you create a more manageable workplace for others.

I would welcome your comments on which traits you face most often, and will be delving further into these workplace behaviors and their solutions in future blogs.

Office Wars! When Your Boss Grabs Your Glory

Lynn Taylor — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 05:08:28 +0000

Job losses are slowing and an economic recovery may be around the corner. Still, cubicle row looks a bit desolate, and you sometimes wish your job was eligible for a cash-for-clunkers trade-in.

The remaining managers - you among them - are working in an atmosphere that can only be described as chilly, even though the temperature outside is soaring. Surprisingly, your formerly friendly boss is giving you the cold shoulder, too.

Today was particularly notorious, as your boss literally grabbed from you the file of your favorite all-time project - to the astonishment of those at the staff meeting. She claimed that she didn't know why it was given to you in the first place, as it was her area.

Instead, she gave you the task of writing a report on how many cups of water are consumed per day as a new cost saving initiative. "And thanks for your teamwork," she added.

What's going on here?

It's a turf war where the boss doesn't want to give up territory. Like a microcosm of one army, she's moving in for a power grab amidst a highly competitive work environment. It's best for you to understand and brush up on your skills now - because the recovery and its pent up business demands could well incubate a new breed of frenzied, power hungry Terrible Office Tyrants (TOTs).

The "sandbox politics" syndrome is at play when bad bosses become fearful of losing ground or are unsure of the future, attached to the status quo. You may unknowingly come off as a threat to them - as unwanted competition for their "dominion."

If your boss seems territorial, try these tips:

Identify and avoid territorial triggers: Instead of buying into perceived danger or a sense of lacking, redirect the focus on the future. Create a plan and discuss it so that he can bring up - and you can clear up - any objections. Go ahead and point out areas where you and your team can have a significant influence on benefitting the business in the days and weeks ahead.

Learn to be a diplomat: Office politics can be a minefield when it comes to territorial wars. So tread lightly but confidently. Listening is an office diplomat's greatest tool. More specifically, hearing what TOTs have to say is an invaluable skill. In a meeting, reassure them if you agree with their point.

You can reinforce that you are a team player, not a scene-stealer by showing your willingness to help. Wars have been fought back-and-forth forever over territory and ownership, so in order to subtley win your office battle (or at least have a truce), demonstrate patience and compromise.

Put a positive spotlight on your boss: When appropriate and genuine, praise your boss for her accomplishments with a sincere, "That's a great idea," or a casual yet supportive phrase such as, "Works for me." If the opportunity arises on occasion to publicly compliment an aspect of a worthy project spearheaded by your boss, don't fear being called "one of them," or "just making points."

We do not have to go out of our way to dehumanize ourselves any more than our bosses should avoid praising us. We should demonstrate supportive, positive behavior to bosses and others. The workplace can become more humanistic, starting with you. (P.S. This empathetic approach does help communicate to your TOT that your "five-year goal" is not to replace him!)

Do establish limits: If, after you've developed a relationship with your boss, the power grab dynamic is habitual, sit down and have a heart-to-heart talk. Often bosses don't realize the ill of their ways until told. If you let her know how this practice is hurting your work product, she will likely stop, as you are important to her success. Just be sure you sandwich the criticism between positive "bookends" in your conversation.

If nothing improves, you can always walk; this is your career and you have the right to enjoy going to work. Weigh the benefits and realize that human nature is never perfect - you could trade one irritating personality trait for another.

Show your manager that you can support her goals in a non-threatening way, and she is likely to ease up - and free up - some of her workload, including your pet projects.

She may even learn to share her sandbox shovel.

When Fearful Bosses Become Demanding

Lynn Taylor — Fri, 24 Jul 2009 06:09:44 +0000

If you've noticed that your overloaded Inbox is crashing your computer by 9:30 a.m. with your boss's requests, you might have a demanding Terrible Office Tyrant (TOT) on your hands. If you hardly remember your home address or your dog, Fido ...ditto.

At offices across the country, everyone's been on edge as the recession (and hopeful recovery) plays out. In bosses, as in toddlers, pressures and stress can sometimes result in excessively demanding behavior. Just as young children believe they're the center of the universe, a fearful TOT may become a bottomless pit of demands and unrealistic expectations.

When an already apprehensive manager feels an increasing loss of control, it can trigger a self-fulfilling prophecy as things really do spin out of control. Justifiable anxieties grow into additional self-manufactured, irrational fears. An emotionally overloaded or paranoid TOT can leave more than a trail of broken toys in his wake. Given a TOT's position of authority, the livelihoods of real people are at stake.

Dampening down fears and reshaping demands into workable tasks will help you regain your power at work, while creating dividends for everyone. When your boss comes blustering by to check on those sunrise e-mails, it's time to diplomatically "stop your TOT" in a way that's productive for both of you. Here are some tips:

Manage expectations: If your child thinks that just because you took her to the theme park on Saturday, every weekend will be another replica of that Saturday, you're headed for trouble. Respond to assignments with realistic estimates of how long it will take and what you'll need to complete them. Having regular meetings with your manager will help you bring realism to the world you and your boss live in.

Be the voice of reason: Buttress your TOT's confidence with praise and reassurance. Deflect excessive "what if" thinking that can sap productivity. Shower him with useful facts and information. "Did you realize that we just last week won the X account and have the number one standing in the Y marketplace?"

Present choices: You only have so many hours in a day to work, not to mention, "have a life." So give your boss choices on the priority of assignments. Your child may want to go to the park, toy store and Jenny's all in two hours, but it's up to you to present doable options: "Boss, I can work on the new project now and put aside everything else until later this afternoon. Which is more important to you?"

Stay in the present: By focusing on today's concerns and avoiding the focus on long term insecurities, you can keep energies tuned to the here and now. Be on the lookout for events that are likely to trigger new fears - and prepare her for them in advance. And don't stoke the flame with five to 10-year plans that examine every possible catastrophe, following your TOT's cue.

Reinforce good practices: Reward reasonable expectations and communications with gratitude and reinforcement. Your boss will appreciate your thoughtfulness when you notice the good, and over time, the feedback will help improve her management style.

Show empathy: Your TOT may be under a lot of pressure, even if some of it is self-inflicted. Demanding and critical comments shouldn't be taken personally, but if the work itself needs improvement, take heed. Proactively help to solve problem areas before small issues become major problems.

Handling a demanding boss may well be like parenting a fearful child in disguise. A child who's fallen off a bicycle for the first time will look at you to see if he should keep on screaming. Screech back in horror and the howl-fest will continue. Calmly state, "Oh, look at that, you fell off. Go ahead and try again" - and the scene will have an entirely different outcome.

Remember, with a demanding (often fearful) manager, you can help set the tone for a win-win collaboration, and your increased empowerment. Start by letting your rattled boss rattle off her demands. Then in measured tones, suggest rational solutions. She's likely to coast back to her office with a sunnier outlook.

Taming a Tough Boss without Losing Your Job

Lynn Taylor — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 16:54:12 +0000

If you're having trouble with your boss during these tough times, the deepest postwar recession to date, you're not alone. Let's face it - with unemployment hovering at 9.5 percent, even angelic bosses can be jumpy at best, as they must invariably be pondering their own fate.

The problem is when jumpy turns into angry, stubborn or impatient - and you're in the line of fire. You want to stand your ground, but you really like having a paycheck right now.

Most of the questions I get from employees today have to do with how they can cope with all the fear and drama in the office - because leaving is not an option. Worst of all, the Terrible Office Tyrant (TOT) boss knows it. Sometimes a tried and true TOT flaunts it, as if to say, "You're lucky I gave you one of my chocolate chip cookies (a paycheck) today."

This is the perfect storm for pent up anger: feeling powerless with an authority figure on whom your livelihood depends - and not having the ability to communicate those feelings. So how do you walk that fine line and keep your sanity?

It may be time to give your boss a one-minute "Time-Off"!

Did you think it said "Time-Out?" There is actually a place for "workplace timeouts" - instances when you should try to diplomatically isolate yourself from your boss, such as during a TOT tantrum. But when bosses are just plain irritable during times of downsizing, try giving them a brief, professional form of ... school recess. Do it with empathy, good listening skills, or dare I say, levity.

This is really not meant to be patronizing. What I mean is, when tension rises, your first thought should be, "How can I 'jam the system' - and alter the dynamics?" Once acquired, it is a rare and valuable skill that will always set you apart.

Putting "Time-Off" to the Test

His e-mail says: "I can't talk this morning. I'm putting out 3 fires, am still tied up, but could talk for 5 minutes at 5:00 ...if we NEED to."

Many dutiful employees go into Auto-Response mode and think to themselves, "Well, yeah, I'll take them, or I may never get another chance!" The employee, in a driven mode, hurriedly answers back: "Yes, I'll come by at 5. Thanks." Good "carpe diem" response, right? Not really.

Your manager dedicated half of the e-mail pleading for ...empathy and understanding! People want to connect with others on a human level and rarely have time to do so, especially in today's crunch. This is even less common to get from subordinates. Workers are focused on meeting their boss's deadlines, and feel it's best to remain stoic than make a misstep in this job climate.

Nevertheless, a better response might be: "Sorry about that. We can definitely meet tomorrow, and thanks for the explanation (...I promise not to add fuel to the blazes!)" And if you're on friendlier terms, you might even venture: "(p.s. I'll bring a hose!)" The point is, if you look for opportunities to allay anxiety, you'll move events in your favor.

Too often at work, we're not supposed to be real people - the office is dehumanized. We're programmed to follow our script and daily routine; do our job dutifully; and deliver a work product quickly to our all-knowing boss. Yet a quick, lighthearted reply showing genuine empathy is often the perfect antidote - allowing a boss to let her guard down during a chaotic day. Over time, your manager will be less likely to put up barriers, too.

We tend to forget that a boss would rather be laying flat on a park bench - or on a private warm beach somewhere listening to an iPod - than trimming budgets and preparing P & mainly "L" statements. There's no better time than now to show understanding, lightheartedness and calm.

These skills may well be tantamount to many others needed to make it to the top in corporate America. If used correctly, they will help to "recession-proof" your job as you tame a difficult, harried boss.

Diffuse and Disarm

When you use humor wisely in an e-mail, for example (I call humor the "great diffuser"), you are much more likely to get a response back, maybe a couple of replies within minutes. You may find that without it, you would have never even received two e-mail responses in the same week from your boss. Also, while some "frown" on a smiley faces, others say it softens sensitive e-mails.

In the scenario described earlier, your manager might appreciate knowing that your project could wait until the next day (if it can), rather than taxing him at 5:00pm. The win-win is that you gave your TOT some slack the day before - and there's this bonus: your project will probably get more attention the following day because he'll be more clear-headed.

Of course, not everyone is receptive to humor or sympathy, and certainly not at all times. And you may work for a boss who requires a heart-to-heart talk with you about how his more egregious actions are affecting your work performance. (If handled diplomatically and there's a benefit for him, you will succeed).

But assuming your tough boss falls within the bell curve, you can consider it your personal challenge with her or anyone with whom you work, to "find the bond" - and humanize the atmosphere around you.

The Reward

This is not an altruistic exercise, but a win-win proposition because you will:

• Neutralize bad behavior
• Model positive interactions
• Establish common, collaborative ground
• Create a better, more humanistic atmosphere
• Allow greater openness to your ideas

Think for a minute about how the top-ranked sales people in America operate, garnering respect and closing a deal. Do they walk into a room with clients and quickly launch into a serious discussion about business? Not for long! They find a common bond, listen, put the client at ease, and often use humor. Similarly, consider these tools for bolstering your position at work, while taming your Terrible Office Tyrant (TOT).

So maybe this wasn't in your job description. But, perhaps it should be.

To tame a tough boss and avoid losing your job, you don't need a whip, protective gear or a tent in which to hide. You may just need to call a short Time-Off for TOT recess.

When TOTs Run the Office

Lynn Taylor — Thu, 18 Jun 2009 02:41:34 +0000

We’ve all seen it at some point in our working lives – an office environment that at times resembles an out-of-control schoolyard, with bad bosses playing sandbox politics or throwing outright tantrums.

Tirades, neediness, demanding and stubborn behavior are all telltale signs of a “Terrible Office Tyrant”, or what I call a “TOT”. TOTs are bosses who have trouble moderating their power and consequently act like small children or toddlers, especially when under stress. The Terrible Twos are far less endearing in the corner office, though. So many people are affected in terms of productivity and fear of job loss each day.

While exploring this parallel and preparing for my upcoming book. Tame Your Terrible Office Tyrant™: How to Manage Childish Boss Behavior and Thrive in Your Job (John Wiley & Sons, July 31, 2009), I conducted extensive research over seven years. I interviewed scores of psychologists and psychiatrists; nearly 100 workers on videotape; commissioned national independent research studies over a four year period with thousands of respondents; and listened while countless people offered personal anecdotes from the hilarious to the astonishing.

I realized that employees are being devoured by the TOT distraction daily – and they need to know that they can “manage up”: be the voice of reason, and forge ahead successfully in their careers—in spite of tyrants in their midst. It’s paradoxical that bosses hold a “parental figure” role – yet can be so unsure about what to do with significant power – like their much younger counterparts whose screams and whines can push any parent to the edge of insanity. But how many courses were offered in college on “How to be a Great Boss?” – not to mention, “How to Control Your Temper as the Boss?”

A TOT Is Born

After leaving executive life in the employment field, where I studied workplace behavior, I took a step back. I had flashes of my life as a young woman babysitting; all my years in the corporate world and stories related to me; my personal observations from employment studies; and of being a mom who had the normal challenges of raising two boys. It became as clear as day. The skills I used around children always came in handy in the office, whether it was calming TOTs, or stopping them from being distracted, fickle, whiny, needy, stubborn or demanding.

I knew I had to help people with tips on dealing with both the “bratty” variety, as well as “little lost lamb” behavior (such as endless questioning and moodiness). I realized that I had to do it with humor, because that was always a valuable technique. Humor is “the great diffuser,” whether the fuse is about to blow down the candy aisle or the cubicle aisle.

Look Behind the Façade

It can be hard to spot a TOT at first. Terrible Office Tyrants don’t leave chocolate smears on the office walls. But ultimately patterns emerge…because “to TOT is human.” The acronym was intended to counter the harshness of “tyrant.” Behind the façade and all the blustering is often a fearful child who is trying to cope with pressures and orders from above, personal life, or just the demands of the day. I believe that whether we’re two or 52, we all have the same core human instincts, needs and fears. (I can now see some of my own TOT moments in HD.)

It’s not enough to simply avoid Jekyll and Hyde-like managers when they’re in “monster mode.” A more constructive tactic is to find out the underlying reasons for their less than agreeable personality traits – and then manage your boss’s behavior.

It’s incumbent upon employees to set limits to bad behavior and reinforce the good (remember “good attention and bad attention” when disciplining children or observing it?) If there’s something in it for the boss, as in any relationship, there will be change. If all reasonable attempts are made to improve a situation, and it’s still intolerable, it’s time to look elsewhere. P.S. If, as a manager, you catch yourself in TOTdom, remember to recover from your actions and humanize your workplace.

Based on my experience and our recently commissioned research, TOT behavior is a self-sustaining trigger of fear and mistrust in the workplace. Yet even in good times, Terrible Office Tyrants act out, too, because there is so much unwieldy business to manage. Yes, the traits are timeless, but employees can “tame their TOTs.” Similarly, CEOs and senior business leaders can “TOT-proof their companies”, and make their environment safe for success. I look forward to further discussions on this topic and encourage you to share your own experiences with TOTs in the workplace!