"Growing Differences" between Parent and Adolescent

For both parents and adolescent, there is a conceptual shift that to some degree occurs when the Attached Parent/Attached child relationship becomes the Detached Parent/Detached Adolescent relationship, usually beginning around ages 9 – 13.

The close attachment focus on “We” that expresses how much parent and child share in common changes to the contrasting and comparative detachment focus on “We/They” that expresses how much parent and teenager are beginning to differentiate and differ. Now the challenge is how to stay connected while encompassing growing differences, and perception of those differences, in their relationship.

The mutual emphasis on unity, similarity, and commonality that often created a kind of “honeymoon” feel in childhood (“WE are best buddies”) starts giving way to a less compatible feel in adolescence with an emphasis on separation, diversity, and contrast (“WE and THEY are having a harder time getting along.”)

What is at work here are “growing differences” in two senses – “growing” in the sense of increasing differences now developing between them, and “growing” in the sense that these differences start moving them socially apart, which is what adolescence is meant to do.

What follows is a generalized attempt to characterize the shift I mean.

During childhood, the attached “We” relationship is one in which both parties might share these jointly held beliefs.

THE MUTUAL POINT OF VIEW

(Parent and Child = “We.”)

We ARE both lovingly attached to each other.

We both WANT to spend time with each other.

We both VALUE contributions from the other.

We both CARE about having fun with the other.

We both GIVE each other company and help.

We both MAKE an effort to please each other.

With the onset of adolescence, the shared mutual point of view increasingly becomes more divergent as, with detachment, “we/they” differences become more prominent in how parent and teenager perceive each other. For example, growing differences might look like this.

THE PARENTS’ POINT OF VIEW

(Parents = “We,” Adolescents = “They.”)

We ARE Experienced/ They ARE Inexperienced

We WANT Responsibility/ They WANT Freedom

We VALUE What is Lasting/ They VALUE What is Latest

We CARE About Safety/ They CARE About Adventure

We GIVE Them Support/ They GIVE Us Worry

We MAKE Money/ They MAKE Demands

THE ADOLESCENT’S POINT OF VIEW

(Adolescents = “We,” Parents = “They.”)

We ARE Held Back/ They ARE Overprotective

We WANT Privacy/ They WANT to Know

We VALUE What’s New/ They VALUE What’s Old

We CARE About Friends/ They CARE About Grades

We GIVE Answers/ They GIVE Questions

We MAKE Effort/They MAKE Rules

Parents often have a hard time moving from attachment parenting a child (and more holding on) to detachment parenting an adolescent (and more letting go), moving from a primarily “we” relationship with their child to an increasingly “we/they” relationship with their teenager. The strain from growing differences tends to make it harder to keep the relationship as harmonious as it was in childhood. If only they could both stay primarily wed to the “we” of those early years!

But think about it. The “we/they contrast” is needed for the young person to develop individual identity, and the “we/they contest” is needed for the young person assert social independence. So the tendency to focus more on growing differences between them is not a problem; it’s a growing necessity.

For more about parenting adolescents, see my book, “SURVIVING YOUR CHILD’S ADOLESCENCE,” (Wiley, 2013.) Information at: www.carlpickhardt.com

Next week’s entry: Advising Older Adolescents about Alcohol and Marijuana Use