Between Parent and Adolescent: How Meaning Can Matter

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Counseling parents and adolescents, the matter of Meaning is often raised between them in several ways.

There is the Promise question: “Do you mean to keep your word?” There is the Treatment question: “What do your acts of consideration mean to me?” And there is Communication question: “What do you mean when you say that?” Take these questions one at a time.

“DO YOU MEAN TO KEEP YOUR WORD?”

This is the matter of promises. Do parent and adolescent really mean what they say? More specifically, do their actions match their words? Consider some common contradictions.

What is Said: What is Done:

“I’ll remember.” I forget.

“I will listen” I’m too busy.

“I will treat seriously.” I laugh at.

“I will support." I criticize.

“I’ll stay calm." I get upset.

“I will tell you.” I don’t tell you.

“I’ll stop doing that.” I do it again.

“I will accept.” I reject.

“I will be honest.” I lie.

“I’ll keep your secret.” I tell on you.

When the action of a parent or a teenager contradicts their commitment, broken promises can cause broken trust that doubts the truth of what is said. So mean what you say by honoring your word.

“WHAT DO YOUR ACTS OF CONSIDERATION MEAN TO ME?”

This is the matter of signifying. What meanings can simple acts of sensitivity communicate? Courtesy behaviors are small acts of consideration, sometimes verbal and sometimes not, that can matter a lot because of larger positive meaning that they convey. To understand their power, answer these questions.

Would you rather be helped or have to do all the work?

Would you rather be asked to do or be told to do?

Would you rather be listened to or interrupted?

Would you rather be thanked or taken for granted?

Would you rather be complimented or criticized?

Would you rather be comforted or ignored?

Helping, requesting, listening, appreciating, complimenting, comforting, for example, are small acts of consideration that communicate a lot that matters. Small they may be, but these gestures can each signify a larger expression of caring that is often missed when not given: “You never help me,” “You never ask me,” “You never listen to me,” “You never thank me,” “You never compliment me,” “You never comfort me.”

Don’t discount the power of exchanging small shows of thoughtfulness and kindness between you. Through such small acts of consideration, you treat each other as guests in the relationship. By signifying caring, such little acts of courtesy can mean a lot.

“EXACTLY WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHEN YOU SAY THAT?”

This is the matter of clarity. Psychologist John Narciso taught me the importance of this many years ago at a workshop discussing how speech can either confuse or clarify communication. Much depended, he said, on whether people are speaking in generalities or are using what he called “operational language,” by which he meant talking in terms of specific behaviors, happenings, and events.

For example, consider parental objections and adolescent complaints. Now the parent explains: “I just want you to act responsible, be respectful, and show me a little consideration!” And now the teenager says: “I just want you to be fair, show you care, and be more supportive!”

So what has been communicated about what each other means? Well, it sounds like they are both dissatisfied with each other’s conduct, but the kind of words they choose to use is not likely to lead to resolution unless some operational language is introduced to specifically illustrate what these generalities might mean. They need to tie meaning down by talking about what specifically each wants or doesn’t want to happen.

So the parent explains: “By ‘responsible’ I mean doing your chores on time, completely, without my having to ask. By ‘respectful’ I mean not interrupting and hearing out what I have to say, as I do with you. By ‘consideration’ I mean expressing some appreciation when I go out of my way to do something special for you.”

So the teenager explains: “By ‘fair’ I mean letting me do more stuff that my friends are allowed to do. By ‘care’ I mean getting off work early some days so you can come watch my games. By ‘supportive’ I mean listening when I am having a hard time and not putting me off because you feel too tired.”

When discussing something important, it’s better to talk in specifics and describe behaviors or events of concern than resort to abstract generalities which leave a lot of room for misunderstanding. For clarity, give examples to illustrate what you mean and then proceed to talk in concrete terms.

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Keeping your word, acting with consideration, and talking in specifics can all increase meaning that matters.

For more about parenting adolescents, see my book: “SURVIVING YOUR CHILD’S ADOLESCENCE” (Wiley, 2014.) Information at: www.carlpickhardt.com

Next week’s entry: Emotional Detachment when Parenting Adolescents