Surviving (Your Child's) Adolescence

Welcome to the hard half of parenting

Adolescent Questions about Parental Divorce

Parental divorce reorganizes home life, splitting the old family unit into two separate households, getting used to that split creating a host of adjustments for children and adolescents. Maybe about two years are what it takes for most of this adjustment to be made. Read More

This is excellent advise when

This is excellent advise when both parents are in the normal range of empathy, remorse, reciprocation of cooperation, and truly putting the best interests of the children first.

As Gavin de Becker, a safety and security expert who wrote The Gift of Fear says, the rules change and do a 180 when there's abuse involved.

Having a strong connection to a good father is important. All good mothers want that for their children, regardless of whether or not they're still married to the father. But, this changes entirely when the father (or mother) is an abuser / Axis II Cluster B. Problem is, pathologicals are also charming actors, who are able to dupe many, even experts, with their lies, projections, gaslighting, and other acts of bad will.

A growing child having to toss aside ethics and good character traits they've been taught in school and within the family from birth, causes damage. At the very least that child loses time on their path of achieving their highest potential.

Even worse: Some children are being ordered to live with parents who sexually abuse them, while they are ordered to not be able to be with the non-abusive parent (the protective parent).

Here is what's happening in divorce courts in the US and around the globe - Court Licensed Abuse (CLA) of children:

"New Study Confirms Gendered Nature of Court Licensed Abuse: Epidemic of Protective Mothers Losing Custody to Abusive Fathers

"[W]hen mothers allege child sexual abuse, without fail, they lose custody.”
Conclusion from new study conducted by Joan Meier, J.D., Professor of Law, George Washington University

Meier's research shows that, although the use of parental alienation is claimed to be gender neutral (mostly by fathers' rights activists), it is used almost exclusively to find mothers are lying about abuse by fathers and is used to justify taking custody away from protective mothers.

It is important to recognize the gendered nature of CLA, so as to come up with effective solutions which address the true cause. However, there are many misconceptions about CLA and gender, which divide some advocates. It is important to clear these misconceptions up so all good men and women can get together to fight the real enemy--the old boy system which promotes judges licensing physically violent and sexually abusive fathers.

Some common misconceptions are addressed here:

1) Recognizing CLA as gendered does NOT divide men and women or pit women against men. It pits good men and women against the systematic licensing of serious child abuse. [Analogy: it was not blacks against whites; it was blacks and good whites against the racist status quo; hence, with CLA, all good men need to unite with women against the status quo licensing of abuse.]

2) Recognizing CLA as gendered is NOT hurtful or unfair to men; it is clear the enemy is not men, but the system that licenses paternal abuse of children. The only ones it hurts are abusers and their enablers because it makes it more likely they will be stopped.

3) Recognizing CLA as gendered does NOT mean that fathers don’t lose custody unfairly to severely abusive mothers occasionally or that women should not support these fathers. They should. [Analogy: some whites were treated unfairly by the status quo as well as blacks; that didn’t mean it was unfair for blacks to unite to fight for their rights. Similarly, since it is women who are being discriminated against, women need to unite as a group and recruit men to help them.]

4) Recognizing CLA as gendered does NOT mean that good fathers who lose custody, or children who lose good fathers, suffer any less than mothers who lose custody, or that their suffering should not be validated. It should. That does not preclude women from uniting to stop the EPIDEMIC which is devastating them.

5) Recognizing CLA as gendered does NOT mean that there are not other forms of family court corruption that affect both fathers and mothers, namely the "cottage industry" which drains both financially. Putting an end to this (if that were even possible) may make it more difficult to cover up and license abuse, but it will not stop it, as it does not attack the core cause. So, if we spend our energy getting together with fathers to end the financial corruption, children will remain unprotected. CLA began long before the financial incentives and will exist even if they are eliminated.

We need to consider facts supported by research to get to the truth of the matter: the EPIDEMIC is courts licensing abusive fathers and punishing protective mothers.

But if we are going to end Court Licensed Abuse, women and men need to join together to fight the system which is designed to give our children to abusive fathers. Good men should help women with the fight just as good whites helped blacks get their rights.

This will benefit men, women and society." ~ Safe Kids International

No abuse allowed

"Licensed" or unlicensed, abusive parents can do lasting harm.

Post new comment

The content of this field is kept private and will not be shown publicly.
  • Web page addresses and e-mail addresses turn into links automatically.
  • Allowed HTML tags: <a> <em> <strong> <cite> <code> <ul> <ol> <li> <dl> <dt> <dd>
  • Lines and paragraphs break automatically.
  • You may quote other posts using [quote] tags.

More information about formatting options

Carl Pickhardt, Ph.D., is a psychologist in Austin, Texas. His most recent books are: The Connected Father, The Future of Your Only Child, and Stop Screaming.


Subscribe to Surviving (Your Child's) Adolescence

Current Issue

Let It Go!

It can take a radical reboot to get past old hurts and injustices.