At this holiday time of year, it's worthwhile for parents to check in on their adolescent's speed of life - how rapidly the young person is striving to act grown up - because holiday celebration, both in the spirit of and with the assistance of spirits, can hasten older decision-making to harmful effect.
Contrary to what parents often say, most adolescents do not have a problem with thinking. If they have any thought problem at all, it is with taking the time to think at an age when life is moving increasingly fast, sometimes too fast to pause and assess dangers that clear thinking and sober judgement would consider.
The closer one gets to senior year in high school (with full freedom of independence now in view), the more advanced recreation is going on -- a ferment of adult-like activities, invitations, and opportunities, most of them enthusiastically promoted, hard to turn down, and having a risky side.
The rush to enjoy these experiences accelerates the further along in adolescence one grows. It comes into full flower in the final stage of adolescence, trial independence (ages 18 - 23) when life in the fast lane truly begins for most young people because the protective parental structure has fallen away and now one is living among a cohort of peers who are sampling and savoring what real freedom is like.
It's hard to slow down and think carefully when accumulated pressures begin to build. There is the pressure of temptation - of having fun. There is the pressure of sensation - of doing something exciting. There is the pressure of peers - of joining in. There is the pressure of substances - of escaping care. There is the pressure of adventure - of daring a risk. There is the pressure of immediate gratification - of acting on impulse now.
When these pressures all converge in one celebratory social situation, you have a potent formula for trouble. POSSIBLE HARM = FUN + EXCITEMENT + JOINING IN + ESCAPE + DARING + NOW.
So on the spur of the moment (who knows whose idea it was) everybody piles into the car at 10:30 at night for a wild ride to neighboring city to go to a party, as a designated driver drives a carload of designated drinkers making it very hard to drive safely when going, and even more difficult driving back when nobody cares if the driver is sober or not.
So what should an adolescent do when a new speed of life decision arises? Generally, I advise parents to advise their son or daughter to take the THREE QUESTION TEST. It doesn't take long, and the minute or so of time required to honestly answer these questions can be worthwhile.
What are the questions?
1) "Why would I want to do this?"
2) "What harm might it cause?"
3) "Is it worth risk?"
Suggest that if the people you are with won't grant you the time it takes to ask yourself and answer the three question test before deciding, then whatever they want to do, or want you to do, is probably not a good idea.
Many of the serious mishaps young people get into during the latter stages of adolescence are speed of life crashes. They were so focused on what felt good to do that they didn't take the time to consider if it was wise to do.
The purpose of taking a moment to think is so the adolescent can slow their decision making down to "all deliberate speed" so that in the face of temptation, or under social pressure, judgment can be consulted and responsible choices are more likely to be made.
A safe holiday to all!
For more on this topic, see the chapter on Managing Increased Freedom in my book, "Boomerang Kids." More information at: www.carlpickhardt.com
Next week's entry: Adolescence and Not Fitting into Family
