I believe conversation about sexuality, sexual feelings, and sexual behavior needs to start during early adolescence (ages 9-13) when for most young people puberty begins and the age of sexual maturity soon arrives. Now the journey to young womanhood and to young manhood begins, with all the perplexities of defining oneself as woman and as man. Now, hormonally transformed, young people are physically fully capable of sexual reproduction.
However, psychologically they are many years away from being mature enough to assume the responsibility that comes with making a baby, should that unintended consequence occur, or to cope with the possibility of contracting a sexually transmitted disease at such a young age, or to integrate sexual intimacy with emotional closeness to nurture a caring relationship. So most parents encourage delay in the hopes that a later onset of sexual activity will make it safer to do.
Reaching the age of dating and partying, the high school, late adolescent years, dramatically increases the interest in and likelihood of sexual activity as more socializing between young women and young men is encouraged and becomes the norm.
Thus self-report surveys of high school students like that presented by the Texas Youth Risk Survey for 2009 are pretty consistent. About 50% of high school students polled reported having had sexual intercourse (about the same percent that declared they were a current alcohol user.) From this data, parents need to understand that while a lot of young people in late adolescence elect to have sex, a lot elect not to. Of course, once living away from home during the final stage of adolescence, trial independence (ages 18 - 23), the incidence of sexual activity is considerably higher.
The question is, what frame of reference and what education do parents want to provide their adolescent about managing sexual interest and sexual activity? The answer largely depends on the particular values a parent holds and their comfort dealing with the topic. Parents vary widely in this regard. There are a few parents who shy away from addressing the issue at all, or have "the talk" one time and never mention it again. But mostly what I hear are parents who subscribe to three sources of protective persuasion: EXPECTATION + DISCUSSION + INSTRUCTION = PREVENTION.
The power of declaring their expectation is that parents clearly state what they think is wise, appropriate, or right when it comes to having sexual intercourse. Some parents say, "Oh my teenager won't listen to me." From what I have seen, this is not true. The young person will factor your opinions and convictions into his or her thinking and decision-making. Your beliefs and your values do matter.
The power of engaging in discussion is normalizing the topic of sexual activity in the same way one would the topic of substance use or any other significantly risky adolescent behavior. When this discussion is accepting and non-judgmental and two-way, the parent not just talking but openly listening too, the teenager can use parents as a sounding board and source of advice to deal with the complexities that begin when relationships become more sexually focused. Your opinions can be helpful.
The power of offering instruction is equipping the young person with strategies for managing sexual feelings in relationships and safely using protections should the decision to have sexual intercourse occur. You don't have to agree with or approve of your adolescent's decision to become sexually active to provide information about contraception. Your concern for safety is what counts.
Most parents don't like it that they have to raise adolescents in a sexually active world any more than they like it that they have to raise adolescents in a drug-filled world, but that's how the world is. Although they cannot control the teenager's choice of sexual behavior, they can inform that choice, and they should because the popular media are already romanticizing and glamorizing sex in very seductive and sensational ways.
The media does not model sexual restraint, and adolescents are impressionable. They are influenced by what they see, and what they see places a high premium on being sexually attractive as a young woman and as a young man, but offers very little guidance about how to manage sexual interest once it has been attracted or aroused.
In addition, little distinction is made between lust and love, between conquest and caring, which can muddle much adolescent thinking already going on. For example some boys, focused on performance and intent on proving themselves, see scoring sexual intercourse as a win for masculinity, an act of conquest that has been achieved. Or some girls, focused on relationship and intent on intimately connecting, see experiencing sexual intercourse as an affirmation of femininity, a statement that caring has been established. Thus there are implied arguments for intercourse that parents need to dispel: "If we truly care; that means we should have sex," "If we have sex; that means we truly care." No, both premises are false.
Becoming sexually active is complicated because the motivations for doing so vary, each leading to a different focus of discussion with your adolescent. Some of the sexual circumstances I have heard described include these:
1. Having sex as a rite of passage. A young person does "it" to be able to feel and say they have now crossed this bridge into adulthood, certifying young manhood or young womanhood. "I got it over with." (Having sex doesn't mean you are adult, prove that you're a man, or make you a woman.)
2. Having sex because one was under the influence of alcohol or other drugs. A young person insists on or allows what they would not if their sober judgment was unaltered and intact. "I didn't know what I was doing." (Many first sexual experiences are alcohol or other drug affected. Sober dating is the safest of all.)
3. Having sex because one was swept away by romantic feelings. A young person lets a magic moment make having sex feel desirable and right. "It was all so dreamy." (It's safer to plan to have sex than to let infatuated and excited arousal decide.)
4. Having sex as an expression of caring. A young person engages in sexual intimacy to enhance emotional intimacy. "Having sex together brings us close." (If you truly care about each other, then care enough to use adequate protection.)
5. Having sex because it is pleasurable to do. A young person sees hooking up as a significant source of recreational experience. "It's just part of having a good time." (What seems casual for one person can be serious for another.)
6. Having sex because it feels obligatory. A young person feels he or she ought to have sex to meet commitments to the relationship. "I did what I felt I should." (Having had sex with someone before does not oblige you to do so again, and love does not require having sex.)
7. Having sex because one is afraid to say ‘no'. A young person submits to external pressure of persuasion out of fear of rejection or to internal pressure of insecurity out of fear of failing to measure up. "I didn't want to be criticized for holding back." (Never have sex when you are afraid not to.)
8. Having sex because of coercion. A young person is emotionally or physically forced to do what they don't want to do. "I gave in because I was made to." (To have sex against your will is rape.)
Having sex in adolescence is not a simple act, although it may feel simple to do at the time. In fact, it is a very complicated act, and parents can offer help sorting out what that complexity is.
For more about parents, adolescents, and the subject of sex, take a look at a recent book that is very informative and provocative: "Not Under My Roof - Parents, Teens, and the Culture of Sex," by Amy T. Schalet, University of Chicago Press, 2011.
For information about my books, see: www.carlpickhardt.com
Next week's entry: Adolescence and the anger prone parent
