There's an awkward passage in the relationship between parent and teenager at the end of high school that usually creates some additional tension between them at a time when no more strain is needed. I call it "the summer of freedom come" and it often unfolds like this.
Between graduating high school and moving out to start a job or going off to college at summer's end, there is a period of several months when the transition into more grown up living begins.
Since their son or daughter is still living at home, parents may think that nothing has changed and that normal household family routines and restraints should continue to apply as usual.
For the older adolescent, however, flush with excitement over being out of school and impatient for the full measure of freedom just ahead, it feels like everything has changed and that the time to answer only to oneself has finally arrived.
"While you live at home, you must still follow family rules!" insist the parents who expect past household membership arrangements to continue until the adolescent actually leaves.
"I'm about to be on my own so I should be able to live at home independently!" objects the older adolescent who wants to redefine as more adult now that departure time is almost here.
It can be a contentious time. How much should parents hold on and how much should they let go? How much compliance should the adolescent permit and how much should she protest? On both sides, some compromise is usually the answer, parents letting go more than they are comfortable with and the adolescent complying more than he or she would ideally like.
The transition ends with a changing of the guard over the adolescent's life as traditional oversight and responsibility is shifted from parent to teenager. What has shifted?
AUTHORITY: the teenager answers more to her own direction and to parents less. Parents have to let go of being in charge. The time of bossing the teenager is coming to an end.
SUPERVISION: the teenager provides more oversight over himself and parents do less. Parents have to let reconnaissance go. The time of checking up on and nagging the teenager is coming to an end.
ORGANIZATION: the teenager depends more on herself to structure life and on parents less. Parents have to let their management agenda go. The time of setting priorities for the teenager is coming to an end.
EVALUATION: the teenager judges his own conduct more and looks to his parents to do this less. Parents have to let go setting standards and faulting performance. The time of criticizing the teenager is coming to an end.
DISCIPLINE: The teenager becomes more self-corrective and accepts correction from parents less. Parents have to let go of setting conditions and applying consequences for violations. The time of punishing the teenager is coming to an end.
INFLUENCE: the teenager learns more from life experience and less from what parents want to instruct. Parents have to let go "knowing" what is best for the adolescent. The time of lecturing the teenager is coming to an end.
In each case -- by relinquishing authority, supervision, organization, evaluation, discipline, and influence -- parents are giving up some traditional standing in the relationship so the adolescent can take more charge. Now begins the adjustment of equitizing standing in their relationship so they can enjoy each other adult to adult in the years ahead.
Not uncommon in this summer of transition is the older adolescent pushing for some emblematic freedom not allowed before. It can simply be attending the long goodbye of endless parties to say farewell before the old gang of friends splits up and go their separate ways. It can be undertaking some new experience that is more challenging and confidence building than they have done before. It can be setting their own curfew as they are soon to do. It can be going on a road trip with good companions.
Whatever the emblematic freedom request is, it is usually jarring to parents. Should they say "you're not old enough to do that yet" when in a matter of months their son or daughter will not have to ask?
Given this reality, many parents find it worthwhile to treat this summer as a "training run" for what's to come, a time to approximate the liberation just ahead. Why? Because if more discretionary choice proves troublesome, at least parents are around to help sort out lessons for self-management that can be learned.
After all, it's easy to abuse so much freedom. Excitement can lead to unwise risk taking. Celebrating can lead to excessive substance use. Over activity at the expense of adequate sleep can lead to exhaustion.
For other parents, it can be hard to witness the exultation, intemperance, and expansiveness that the first flush of independent living often brings. That's why they keep a tight hold on the teenager during the summer of freedom come right up to the actual departure point. As one dad put it, "I don't want to have to watch my teenager break out of the barn." Ignorance may not be bliss, but what happens out of parental sight is at least out of parental mind.
Surely relinquishing hold is one of the hardest parts of parenting. "The summer of freedom come" tests both parent and teenager -- the parent about how much to let go, the teenager about how much to let loose.
At this late stage of adolescence, it is usually easier for the teenager to let go of parents than for parents to let go their child.
For more about the entry into the final stage of adolescence, see my forthcoming book, "Boomerang Kids," (August 2011.) More information at: www.carlpickhardt.com
Next week's entry: Adolescent secrecy and the game of hide and seek
