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Adolescence
Adolescent Secrecy and the Game of Hide and Seek
Problems with concealment and discovery of secrets in adolescence
Posted July 25, 2011
To some degree all adolescents lead three lives. There is the public life that they are willing to share with parents. There is the private life apart that they want respected by parents. And there is the secret life that they strive to keep concealed from parents.
Why concealed? Because growing up occurs partly within and partly outside of what parents approve or will allow. In this sense, adolescence is an outlaw age, teenagers sometimes skirting authority to try forbidden freedoms about which young people believe parents are best kept in the dark, and which parents believe it is their responsibility to know.
It around this third and secret life that a high stakes game of hide and seek is played, and it is played in several risky ways. First there is the case of the teenager who hides his tracks in order to seek illicit freedom. Second, there is the case of the teenager who hides and the parent who seeks to find her out. And third, there is the case where one parent wants to hide from (ignore) what the other parent wants to seek (discover.) Take these variations one at a time.
WHEN THE TEENAGER HIDES TO SEEK.
Here the teenager is both hider and seeker. The purpose of the game is to conceal the freedom he is pursuing. For example, because he is more expert about the Internet than his parents, he has developed covert strategies to visit off-limit sites without being found out, unless he slips up. So it appears he has won this particular game, except such concealment carries a psychological cost.
He can't live partially in hiding from his parents without putting some distance from dishonesty between himself and them. He can't maintain consistent dishonesty without having to be careful all the time, and this attention to detail is stressful. He can't live partially in hiding without some anxiety about being found out. And he knows that when and if he is caught, his parents will feel betrayed and he will be subject to double punishment - for the violation of family rules and for the lying he has done. This is when parents use the correctional encounter to explain all the ways illicit freedom is never free.
WHEN THE TEENAGER HIDES AND THE PARENT SEEKS.
Here the teenager is hider and the parent is seeker. The purpose of this game is to pit the adolescent effort at concealment against the parental effort at discovery. It is a game where nobody wins. For example, the parent suspects something is going on in her daughter's social life since the girl broke up with her old classmate. Now when she goes out with friends, she is careful to dress more grown up. What she's concealing is her interest in dating a much older guy, something her parents have been against.
What happens now is that the game of hide and seek becomes a game of hide and sneak. The teenager pretends, deceives, and denies that there is anything going on. The parent pries, spies, and checks to find out what may be happening. And between texts that were not deleted, communication tucked away in her Facebook account, and a confidential talk with one of the girl's friends, the parent gets the name of this new male interest. Then she confronts the daughter who is outraged at having her secrecy breached, but no angrier than the parent who feels trust has been broken. "I hate it that you played detective on me!" the daughter complains. "Well I hate having to act this way to get the truth," was the parental reply. "I was hoping I wouldn't find out what I did!" This is when parents use the correctional encounter to explain that when it takes deception to catch deception, everyone feels hurt.
WHEN ONE PARENT HIDES AND THE OTHER SEEKS.
Here one parent is more of a hider from knowing all about the adolescent's life and the other is more of a seeker to make sure everything is okay. The purpose of the parenting game is to decide how much to leave the teenager alone and how much to subject his life to question. For example, although the hiding parent will admit their son is going through some emotional changes recently, it's probably just normal adolescent moodiness. But the seeking parent isn't sure and wants to find out if something more serious is going on like early substance use.
What happens now is parental disagreement over whether to be laissez-faire and hands off or interventionist and hands on. The hiding parent says: "If we raise that issue we'll just stir up trouble and create problems where there's nothing wrong to be found. We need to let him alone." The seeking parent says: "It's better to be mistaken than miss a possible warning sign. We need to check him out." This is when parents use the correctional encounter to find a middle way between them so that the question about their son's current state does not become divisive of their marriage. They agree to seek a third party consultation before deciding anything.
No adolescent grows up without secrets at some time, and no parent can know it all at any time. Because the game of hide and seek is endemic to adolescence, parents need to play it carefully and well.
For more about parenting adolescents, see my book, "The Connected Father." More information at www.carlpickhardt.com
Next week's entry: WHY "grown" kids boomerang back home to stay
