Would you rather be ignored or be NOTICED for the special gesture you made? 

Would you rather be criticized or be COMPLIMENTED for trying your hardest?
 
Would you rather be taken for granted or be THANKED for doing a favor? 

Would you rather be untouched by a loved one when feeling sad or be HUGGED? 

Asking, listening, noticing, complimenting, thanking, hugging, are just a few acts of common courtesy that all contribute to quality of family life by causing the giver to act thoughtfully and the receiver to feel treated with consideration. 
  
To give the concept of courtesy more impact, put these questions in another way. What can happen when courtesy is not observed?  How would you like to live in a family relationship where you were continually ordered around, interrupted when speaking, ignored when providing something special,criticized when trying your hardest, taken for granted when doing a favor, and left untouched when feeling down?

For most people, the answer would be: "I wouldn't like living in this kind of relationship at all!"  Lack of basic courtesy can hurt people's feelings. Yet during the more stormy adolescent years, with more frustrations on both sides of the relationship, parent and teenager can omit these little acts of consideration to injurious effect.

Of course, one or the other could speak up about the treatment that is missing, but this is not so easily done.

There is a problem with confronting a lack of courtesy. Each little omission can be hard to speak up about without feeling foolish.  "I don't want to appear oversensitive by making a big deal over something so small!"   So lack of courtesy is often let go without comment, the slight disregarded and the emotional injury suppressed left to fester with other similar unacknowledged grievances.

Too small to mention but too hurtful to ignore, however, over time these omissions can have a cumulative emotional effect. They can build until they become "the last straw" (that finally breaks the proverbial camel's back.)  "That's it, I've had it! You never listen to a word I say! You never credit anything I do! I'm fed up with being taken for granted!"   
    
Such complaints suggest the larger issues that courtesy, or lack thereof, can signify and thus explain why continued discourtesy can get people so upset. When courtesy is missing, symbolic qualities in the relationship can be sorely missed. 

For example, a lack of listening can signify a lack of ACCEPTANCE: "You're not open to hearing what I have to say!"    A lack of simple thanks can signify a lack of APPRECIATION: "You don't value anything I do!"   A lack of touch can signify a lack of AFFECTION: "You don't love me anymore!"  Or a lack of compliments can signify a lack of APPROVAL: "Nothing I do ever pleases you!" 

The observance of courtesy behaviors contributes much to quality of family life just as omissions of courtesy can erode that quality in painful ways.  Therefore, it can help to let other people in the family know what courtesy behaviors mean a lot to you. 

Says the parent: "It's important to me that you make an effort to be on time because that shows that you RESPECT me and the agreements we have made."  Says the teenager: "When I finally do what you wanted me to get done, it's important for me to be told that you APPRECIATE what I did."

And when denied a simple courtesy, brave whatever foolishness you feel and speak up.  Says the parent: "I know you're not that late, but when you're going to be delayed more than 20 minutes getting home after being out, please give me a call so I don't worry that you're not all right." Says the teenager: "I know I didn't get it done right away, but I did get it done and I'd like to be told that you recognize that I did."

Courtesy matters because it conveys caring in a host of little ways, because omissions can hurt, and because these specific acts are laden with symbolic meaning. Acts of courtesy count for a lot.

In some cases, parents extend more courtesy to people at their workplace than to family at home.  One parent explained it this way. "With customers and people at work, I have to make a special effort to get along for the sake of the job. Being nice to people comes with the job. But with family I can just relax, let down, and treat them any way I feel because they'll love me no matter what." This assumption is not necessarily so.

Consider the supper table where a tired father is berating his two adolescent sons to vent his irritations after a brutal sales day with difficult clients. Then the phone rings, the man answers it, is warm and friendly and concerned, even charming and humorous. After hanging up, one of the boys asks his dad, "who was that?" "I don't know," the dad answers. "Some stranger, maybe a new customer."

That's when the son asks a telling question: "How come you treat someone from work you don't even know better than your family at home?"

When it comes to courtesy, President Kennedy's notion of "grace under pressure" is a worth considering.  Particularly at home, when under duress or facing adversity, strive to keep your courtesy up when life has got you down.  At such hard times, small acts of consideration can really mean a lot.

In families, if parents will model treating each other and their adolescents as GUESTS IN THE RELATIONSHIP, the code of common courtesy is likely to be upheld. After all, don't loved ones deserve the best you have to give?

For more information about my book about adolescence, "The Connected Father," see: www.carlpickhardt.com

Next week's entry: When social cruelty in adolescence isn't stopped.