The parents I meet that seem to have the most difficulty adjusting when their engaging child transforms into a more abrasive adolescent are those who suffer from triple denial.
First denial: "Those unwelcome changes that happen with other people's children in adolescence won't happen to mine."
Second denial: "I didn't do dumb or wild stuff in my adolescence, so my child shouldn't either."
And third denial: "Adolescence is different today from when I was growing up, so my teenager won't have to grow through what I did."
Denial is the enemy in hiding. It keeps parents from acknowledging the truth of what did happen, is happening, or may happen to their teenager. Like the parents who confessed: "We didn't want to admit that our son was doing drugs and so we didn't, despite all the evidence at hand. The protection of our denial gave him perfect cover to continue what was going on."
Come adolescence, it's best for parents to face the challenges of adolescence head on.
This means accepting that some unwelcome adolescent changes will happen to their child.
This means admitting that just as they acted out, had hard times, and messed up growing through their own teenage years, their son or daughter will do some of the same.
This means understanding how, from one generation to the next, adolescence hasn't changed that much - at least in the basics.
One time years ago at a workshop, to help parents assess their denial, I gave them a survey about their own adolescence to answer for their eyes only, 25 questions I later included in my book about adolescence, "The Connected Father." Here they are.
"To the following questions about your growing up, try to honestly answer ‘Yes' or ‘No.'
Do you remember during your own adolescence:
1.Wanting your parents to stop treating you as a child?
2.Thinking your parents didn't understand you or were unfair?
3.Arguing more with your parents and resenting their authority?
4.Wanting to be more private and talking to your parents less?
5.Becoming more preoccupied with personal appearance and dress?
6.Not liking the way you looked?
7.Feeling unpopular for not having friends or all the friends you wanted.
8.Testing, getting around, and beating the adult system?
9.Putting off parental requests and breaking parental rules?
10.Wanting to stay up later at night and sleep in later in the morning?
11.Not working hard at school or just hard enough to get by?
12.Keeping your parents from finding out what was going on?
13.Sneaking out after your parents were asleep?
14.Getting into more fights with your parents?
15.Lying to parents to do the forbidden or to get out of trouble?
16.Shoplifting or stealing to see what you could get away with?
17.Daring something risky, escaping injury or getting hurt?
18.Wanting to spend more time with friends than with family?
19.Experimenting with tobacco, alcohol, or other substances?
20.Acting more interested in sex?
21.Hating being bored and loving excitement?
22.Going along with the group when that really wasn't what you wanted to do?
23.Making impulsive decisions in the moment that you had later cause to regret?
24.Wanting to engage in adult activities before you were grown up?
25.Doing something illegal to get freedom you desired?"
If you answered ‘Yes' to many of these questions, that may tell you how adolescence hasn't changed, and that many of the ways you felt, believed, and behaved back then, your teenagers will be feeling and thinking and acting now.
So before, in anger or surprise, you explode at your teenager, "You did what! How could you do such a thing?" take the time to ask yourself if growing up you ever did something similar. Do this not to excuse your son or daughter but to see if you can relate to them, their situation, and their state of mind.
I suggest this because in counseling I've found that some of the best parents have good access to their own adolescence, that recall allowing them to empathetically and effectively connect. Here's a paraphrase of one example.
"Well, I never exactly got into this kind of trouble, but I came close on a couple of occasions, so I can remember what that was like. The main thing for you to understand is that there isn't much you can get into now that I couldn't get into, or didn't know about, back when I was coming up. So let's talk about how you feel, what you learned, and what needs to happen now."
For more information about the trials of the teenage years, see my book about adolescence, "The Connected Father." Information at: www.carlpickhardt.com
Next week's entry: When adolescent or parent blows up.
