Adolescence is fraught with dangers.
Wanting to act more independent and to spend more time out in the world, the young person must contend with the temptation of new freedoms, the desire to act more grown up, the push of impulse, the pressure of peers, and increased exposure to the unexpected.
While parents cannot actually control the adolescent's choices, they can inform those choices, and they should. After all, part of the parent's job is to fill in the blank map of future experience with cautionary information to combat youthful ignorance for safety's sake.
One way to make these cautions more convincing is for parents to tie warnings given to lessons they have learned from their own painful experience. "As a star athlete in high school, special treatment kept getting me out of trouble. After high school was when I learned the hard way that rules weren't just for other people; now they applied to me."
One of the most important dangers parents need to warn against is misinformation from peers since it is so readily believed. What parents know is always in competition with "facts of life" promoted by peer "authorities."
Consider a few examples: "You can't get addicted to pot," "You can't get drunk on beer," "Oral sex is safe," "The girl can't get pregnant if the guy pulls out in time." Good luck to young people who heed this advice from friends.
One way to assert wiser influence is to provide some common sense warnings for the young person to factor into his or her decision-making. Here are a few such cautions you might want to consider as you develop a list of your own.
About DECISION-MAKING: Don't act impulsively and rule judgement out. Don't act so fast you don't have time to ask the basic safety questions: "Why do I want to do this?" "What dangers are possibly involved?" "Is it worth the risk?"
About PEERS: Don't do in the company of friends what you would not feel was okay to do on your own. Don't betray what you believe in order to socially belong.
About the INTERNET: Don't post anything on the Internet you don't want to last forever for anyone to see because posting is permanent. Don't text, post, message, email anything to anyone or about anyone that you would not feel okay saying to them face to face.
About MONEY: Don't borrow what you don't have or you will owe more than you can afford to pay. Don't buy to keep up with others or you will let them determine how you spend.
About SEX: Don't believe you can have casual sex because any sex carries the risks of harmful consequences, even "protected" sex. Don't assume sex means you have love, that love means you should have sex, or that having sex once obligates you to have it again.
About EMOTION: Don't let your feelings make your choices for you instead of taking time to think. Don't ever let unhappiness convince you to engage in self-harm (find someone, preferably a trusted adult, to talk to instead.)
About DRUGS: Don't assume alcohol or other drugs are safe because by altering your judgment and perception any substance use can worsen your decision-making. Don't use alcohol or other drugs to fit in, to create social comfort, to keep up with the competition, to prove your reputation, to escape from feeling bad, to find a way to feel better, because all these motivations can lead to problem use.
About DRIVING: Don't drive drunk or high and don't drive people who are drunk or high; neither one is safe. Don't operate a car without both hands on the wheel and both eyes on the road -- so no cell phone talking or texting while you drive.
About DARING: Don't deny danger for the sake of appearing to act brave. Don't assume that harm can only happen to others and not to you.
About SCHOOL: Don't discount the importance of studying now because it will cost you opportunity later on. Don't cheat on schoolwork because you will end up cheating yourself out of your education.
About COMMUNICATION: Don't lie to others because you will put yourself is a false position, arouse distrust, and live in fear of being found out. Don't lie to yourself because you will deny a useful truth and continue to follow the error of your ways.
About REBELLION: Don't reject what is in your best interests or what matters to you just for the sake of saying "no." Don't oppose a rule or break a law to show how tough and independent you are.
Now, come up with a list of warnings of your own. Do such warnings work? Well, they don't do any harm and they do create the opportunity for the young person to think ahead. While many parents don't listen to their teenagers, most teenagers do listen to their parents so it is always worthwhile expressing an adult perspective.
And even if only one of these warnings is heeded just once, that much danger or actual harm has been averted for the moment.
For more about moderating the dangers of adolescence, see information in my book on adolescence, "The Connected Father," at www.carlpickhardt.com.
Next week's entry: Adolescence and the problems of puberty.
